I was shooting heroin and reading “The Fountainhead” in the front seat of my privately owned police cruiser when a call came in. I put a quarter in the radio to activate it. It was the chief.
“Bad news, detective. We got a situation.”
“What? Is the mayor trying to ban trans fats again?”
“Worse. Somebody just stole four hundred and forty-seven million dollars’ worth of bitcoins.”
The heroin needle practically fell out of my arm. “What kind of monster would do something like that? Bitcoins are the ultimate currency: virtual, anonymous, stateless. They represent true economic freedom, not subject to arbitrary manipulation by any government. Do we have any leads?”
“Not yet. But mark my words: we’re going to figure out who did this and we’re going to take them down … provided someone pays us a fair market rate to do so.”
“Easy, chief,” I said. “Any rate the market offers is, by definition, fair.”
He laughed. “That’s why you’re the best I got, Lisowski. Now you get out there and find those bitcoins.”
“Don’t worry,” I said. “I’m on it.”
I put a quarter in the siren. Ten minutes later, I was on the scene. It was a normal office building, strangled on all sides by public sidewalks. I hopped over them and went inside.
“Home Depot™ Presents the Police!®” I said, flashing my badge and my gun and a small picture of Ron Paul. “Nobody move unless you want to!” They didn’t.
“Now, which one of you punks is going to pay me to investigate this crime?” No one spoke up.
“Come on,” I said. “Don’t you all understand that the protection of private property is the foundation of all personal liberty?”
It didn’t seem like they did.
“Seriously, guys. Without a strong economic motivator, I’m just going to stand here and not solve this case. Cash is fine, but I prefer being paid in gold bullion or autographed Penn Jillette posters.”
Nothing. These people were stonewalling me. It almost seemed like they didn’t care that a fortune in computer money invented to buy drugs was missing.
I figured I could wait them out. I lit several cigarettes indoors. A pregnant lady coughed, and I told her that secondhand smoke is a myth. Just then, a man in glasses made a break for it.
“Subway™ Eat Fresh and Freeze, Scumbag!®” I yelled.
Too late. He was already out the front door. I went after him.
“Stop right there!” I yelled as I ran. He was faster than me because I always try to avoid stepping on public sidewalks. Our country needs a private-sidewalk voucher system, but, thanks to the incestuous interplay between our corrupt federal government and the public-sidewalk lobby, it will never happen.
I was losing him. “Listen, I’ll pay you to stop!” I yelled. “What would you consider an appropriate price point for stopping? I’ll offer you a thirteenth of an ounce of gold and a gently worn ‘Bob Barr ‘08’ extra-large long-sleeved men’s T-shirt!”
He turned. In his hand was a revolver that the Constitution said he had every right to own. He fired at me and missed. I pulled my own gun, put a quarter in it, and fired back. The bullet lodged in a U.S.P.S. mailbox less than a foot from his head. I shot the mailbox again, on purpose.
“All right, all right!” the man yelled, throwing down his weapon. “I give up, cop! I confess: I took the bitcoins.”
“Why’d you do it?” I asked, as I slapped a pair of Oikos™ Greek Yogurt Presents Handcuffs® on the guy.
“Because I was afraid.”
“Afraid?”
“Afraid of an economic future free from the pernicious meddling of central bankers,” he said. “I’m a central banker.”
I wanted to coldcock the guy. Years ago, a central banker killed my partner. Instead, I shook my head.
“Let this be a message to all your central-banker friends out on the street,” I said. “No matter how many bitcoins you steal, you’ll never take away the dream of an open society based on the principles of personal and economic freedom.”
He nodded, because he knew I was right. Then he swiped his credit card to pay me for arresting him.
Oh cool, now Karen will have the death squads on her uber eats app to call on any black person that comes within 500 miles of her home.
Plot twist: she called the death squad on her delivery person
Only in America do you get app/subscription based death squads :amerikkka-clap:
At least watching them and their presumed knockoff having a gang war over the petty shit of their conflicting user bases should be fun...right? :jokah-messy:
turning a big dial taht says "Dystopia" on it and actually never looking back at the audience
This reminds me of that old green text about ancap utopia
i can't believe the New Yorker published a piece plagiarized from 4chan
Ooh app-based vigilantes that are just asking to get :xi-gun: down in self-defense.
Which one of you nerds rolled the nat-1 to get this event?
Kropotkin pointed out in the 19th century that humanity was technologically advanced enough to guarantee everyone a decent standard of living without everyone having to spend most of their time working.
How is it that since then we have another 100+ years of development and we get shit like this.
Because capitalism/feudalism is better for the ruling class. If you're an actual literal king, or a multi-billionaire CEO, communism does not yield a higher quality of life for you, personally. So, being of the mind that you, personally, are the center of the universe, you pour your resources into opposing communism and protecting your position. Given the vast resources and power you hold, you are able to accomplish quite a lot in this regard.
We live with all the worst parts of 80s dystopian movies without the cool neón high rises and 60 ft tall nekkid hologram ladies smh my head
I was shooting heroin and reading “The Fountainhead” in the front seat of my privately owned police cruiser...
Its acronym is LAPS...
I refuse to believe this is reality someone please wake me from this absurd nightmare.
This gotta be illegal. How would this fall into "private security"?
Would be so demonic if they are actually succesful in getting this off the ground. An even less democratically accountable police force operating solely on the profit motive.
I don't see why people would use them though, since calling the Cops is free. Maybe they'd lobby to defund the police? But then they'd have to go against police unions. How would cities side in that scenario? I'm inclined to think its with the Police.
it's probably not for you and me, just business owners who want someone to deal with homeless people quicker that cops.
