What do I do hexbears?
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If you give yourself constipation it'll take even longer to shit when you finally do work again. It's a win-win.
Go in to work; tell them you forgot your jacket. Hit the head.
Or, if you want to step up your game...
Sneak in before or after work hours and drop a deuce in front of the boss' office. Leave a note with demands and sign it "The Phantom Shitter."