I mean this in the most respectful way possible but have you considered therapy, especially CBT? That is a lot of very intense negative thoughts you believe very strongly about yourself. It might be nice if you had someone in real life to bounce them off of, who could gently challenge them in real time, or help you see those thoughts are not integral to who you are. Maybe you've already done that and this isn't helpful at all but it was just a thought
You can do a good bit of CBT work without a therapist. Essentially it's becoming aware of cognitive distortions and combatting those thoughts over and over until it becomes automatic. You already have a voice in your head that shit-talks you all the time - doing this builds a counter voice that defends you and speaks with compassion.
I have also had a lot of difficulty with traditional therapy. I'll edit this comment in a sec with a link to a folder of some of the books I have used to treat myself. Feeling Good is a well known one about CBT, but tbh I have not read it, I learned CBT elsewhere and have found the trauma books in this folder more helpful long term as I have pretty serious mental illness.
I mean this in the most respectful way possible but have you considered therapy, especially CBT? That is a lot of very intense negative thoughts you believe very strongly about yourself. It might be nice if you had someone in real life to bounce them off of, who could gently challenge them in real time, or help you see those thoughts are not integral to who you are. Maybe you've already done that and this isn't helpful at all but it was just a thought
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You can do a good bit of CBT work without a therapist. Essentially it's becoming aware of cognitive distortions and combatting those thoughts over and over until it becomes automatic. You already have a voice in your head that shit-talks you all the time - doing this builds a counter voice that defends you and speaks with compassion.
I have also had a lot of difficulty with traditional therapy. I'll edit this comment in a sec with a link to a folder of some of the books I have used to treat myself. Feeling Good is a well known one about CBT, but tbh I have not read it, I learned CBT elsewhere and have found the trauma books in this folder more helpful long term as I have pretty serious mental illness.
edit: Here is the folder