I was raised Catholic, not hardcore Catholic or anything, but Catholic.

So like all religions, I was told that my existence/life, just by virtue of existing, ultimately had a higher purpose/meaning.

As I got older, especially high-school and after, I increasingly became agnostic (An agnostic theist to be specific) and eventually stopped identifying as Christian all-together. And now, these last few years, I've been transitioning from that to full-on atheism.

I'm not 100% there though, and I'm not sure I ever will be. Because no matter how hard I try, there's this part of me that simply can't/won't fully accept the possibility that my existence/life really and truly is pointless, even though I know that's the most likely scenario.

It's like being given the softest, warmest blanket you've ever felt in your life, the idea that you're here for a reason and that after it's over you'll get to see and be with all the people you've loved and lost in your life forever...

...and then having it ripped from you and thrown outside into a blizzard, that it was all a lie.

And no matter what I've been told by others to try and replace that blanket, whether it's been stuff like "You give your life meaning." or "Just have fun while you're here.", none of it has actually made me feel better, no matter how hard I try.

It's like some Lovecraft shit: I've seen the horrible truth, but my mind simply cannot fully comprehend/accept it, and thus I'm slowly going mad from the revelation.

If I had been raised atheist from birth, I think I'd be handling all this better. It's the fact that I once believed existence/life had an ultimate meaning, and had that taken away from me, that's creating this conflict.

If I had never been given that blanket and known it's warmth, and was instead just born into the blizzard, I'd be better off right now.

  • Jorick [he/him]
    ·
    4 years ago

    You can be a nihilist, and be revolutionary. When you have literally nothing left to lose, because simply nothing matters, you become very reckless. I'm not saying this is healthy, but yea. I've been looking for a cause to live or die for, and fighting this system doesn't sound like a bad idea, considering how horrible it is for billions of people. I was born in Europe, had access to a decent education and so on, trying to find a way to fight for socialism is the only way I can get any meaning out of all this.

      • Jorick [he/him]
        ·
        4 years ago

        As long as you know your own reasons for believing into it, then it's alright. Most of us were absolute libcucks a few years back, some of us even were fascists, and we all came to the same conclusion as you did. When political ideas seemingly cannot make for a better society and mankind, then you should feel no remorse for ditching these ideals for better ones. I simply won't forget how hard I turned left when I got convinced first-hand that capitalism was pure horror, and simply wouldn't be reformed into something better. It's not like I didn't try sticking to my old beliefs, but there are only so many pictures of starving children and billionaire yachts you can observe before drawing some conclusions of your own.