Welcome to the first Fake News megathread, your biweekly coverage for the latest news exclusive to the imperial core. We want this to be a spot where anyone can come in, shit out a little snippet of an article you think is funny and collaborate with other dorks of equal caliber.
Sensitive documents have leaked online over the Nintendo game Splatoon 2. The highly classified documents which shared details of Israeli losses during their incredibly unpopular war with Hamas appeared as a drawing inside a speech bubble thought up by a player character who has now disappeared.
The speech bubble contained a link to a pastebin with one paragraph of text identified to be a leaked message from a Hamas group chat; “sensitive documents - born to die - world is a f*** - 200 trillion dead IDF soldiers - kill em all 2024 - I am based man.”
The IDF press team told Fakenews reporters “These numbers, although false, give an insight into the Hamas recruitment model. We know they've been using online games as a way to spread their propaganda and this game is no exception. We have asked Nintendo to shut the servers until the conflict in-game doesn't reflect the situation in Gaza.” A Nintendo spokesperson has denied any involvement on working with the IDF and claims “We will not be shutting down the servers and believe this was not a genuine leak.”
When asked if they condemn Hamas, representatives for Nintendo responded “We condemn video game piracy.”
In other news, my cock fell off due to severe cold weather. I was with my camera crew preparing to capture footage of a 62 car pile up on the expressway, unfortunately for me, moments prior to this a truck sped past and moistened my bottoms. I was freezing but reporting the news was and is always my top priority in any situation. Once I got to my trailer I took my pants off and with it my flaccid dick which was froze attached to my jeans. Now I have to tell my primary partner that my dick wasn’t cut off during a session with one of my doms but instead it froze off. Yeah, I’m not going home tonight
Harbor Freight has been forced to halt sales of many of its most popular hammers after it was discovered that some of the packaging contained the phrase 'perfect for swinging at Paul Pelosi's face'.
A spokesperson for the company claims a rogue employee inserted the phrase into the packaging templates without anyone else's knowledge. When asked if this employee was linked to Hexbear, the spokesperson broke down in tears.
Headline news:
Finnish Scientists Discover You Don't Have to Rub Vics VaboRub Across Your Whole Chest, Just Your NipplesPosting corporate media articles about AES states in the fake news megathread as a bit.
BREAKING NEWS: Secret documents have been unearthed that implicate Hexbear user Melina as an ANTI-OWL CONSPIRATOR. When asked to comment, Melina laughed and said "fuck owls!"
Tom Hanks Dies in Embarrassing Accident
Los Angeles, California – Tom Hanks, a local man, died in an embarrassing accident on Tuesday. According to witnesses, Hanks was attempting to retrieve a dropped item from underneath a parked car when he slipped and fell, hitting his head on the curb. He was pronounced dead at the scene.
Hanks's death has been met with shock and disbelief by his family and friends. They described him as a kind and gentle man who would never intentionally put himself in harm's way.
"This is such a senseless tragedy," said Hanks's sister, Jane Hanks. "My brother was always so careful. He would never have done anything that could have put him in danger."
Police are still investigating the incident, but they believe that Hanks's death was accidental. They have ruled out foul play.
Hanks's death is a reminder that accidents can happen anywhere, at any time. It is important to be aware of your surroundings and to take precautions to avoid injury.
In lieu of flowers, the Hanks family is asking for donations to the National Safety Council.
Write fake news articles I can use or I’m banning everyone
Dawn is actually behind the global petro industrial complex in order to sell more dish soap. They do it thru cute ducks.
BREAKING: BERNIE SANDERS VOTES YES ON SOULSHREDDER DRONE DELIVERY TO ISRAEL
National Observer
Washington, D.C. - Bernie Sanders will vote yes on a Bill delivering Soulshredder drones - named after the iconic antagonist of Marvel's™️ Man Man - to Israel. These weapons are capable of blowing up weddings from up to 2 kilometer distance. Asked by National Observer's DC correspondent Joseph "Joe" Gabbles if he was a communist lover of Babylon's enemies, Sanders assuaged fears that he was actually standing for something and replied: "As people might know from my presidential campaign, I am an adherent of the great american tradition of ruining things by putting america into them. Thus my american socialism is completely national and doesn't not aim to disrupt the flow of plunder into this great country."
Meanwhile in the house of representatives, Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez was seen crying as she voted for the package. Observers described Nancy Pelosi waving her fasces (acquired on the occassion of Italian history month) at the upstart politican.
The package will also include a bill to turn the homeless into canned food and raise minimum wage for longterm government employees in select districts in 5 states by 1% over the next 12 months. Donald Trump was unavailable for comment, as he was passing out from Ketchup and Hamburgers at the "Triumph of the Will: remastered edition" filmset.
it is! you should be proud of yourself, you aren't a civilian anymore
