I’m training to be an amazon driver lmfao, but I’m actually sorta looking forward to it cause it means I don’t have to spend all day interfacing with customers. I never actually stated my gender identity anywhere but I still pretty much look like a dude and everyone just defaulted to he/him for me and I don’t bother correcting them.
Thing is, even though we’re in Los Angeles, about as Progressive as you can get, and I literally did a module about inclusion and respecting transgender coworkers as part of my training, I’m an at will employee and therefore all the assurances that it would be illegal to fire me because of protected status means nothing because my contract explicitly says I can be fired at any time for any or no reason.
The other thing is though, I’m a big softy and tomorrow and Thursday I’m gonna be riding along with someone all day so they could show me how it works, and in general all the people I’ve met with like the dispatchers have been super friendly and nice, and dammit I just like Making Friends rather than just doing the bare minimum socially but staying otherwise distant. Also it’s just a bit sad every time I get misgendered
So yeah. Should I follow the cynical instincts instilled in me by this site and stay closeted?
I transitioned on the job starting in 2019 and it went well. I found that taking it slow and getting to know people before opening up to people was the safest way to do it. People are less likely to be mean to you if they have a preestablished relationship with you I find. That being said you need to do what feels safe for you. If it isn't too personal a question, are you planning on medical transition any time soon? and do you have a tans support group/network you can rely on? Feel free to DM me if you have any questions you would prefer not be in public chat.
I've been on hormones for a few months already, but like I said I still look kinda masculine, especially cause my facial hair is dark and grows fast. And I have almost no friends IRL but I do have my discord with like 30 friends all of whom are not cishet
Ok cool, I ask only because that puts a timer on things. At a certain point things are gonna start to show, I am thinking if two things specifically. There are ways to hide hrt's effects, but they can take some doing.
Ok so all this is just my opinion, ultimately how you handle things is up to your comfort and safety. I would get a feel for your coworkers and bosses, gross I know but friendly management can make things much easier, having supportive coworkers is super important as even a couple of them can ward off bigots and assholes. I would not rush too quickly for 2 reasons 1) most cis are still really ignorant of trans people 2)the hate machine is ramping up because it's an election year. Just because a person is ignorant doesn't mean they won't be supportive, only that they may need some gentle work and education. As for the second thing, this us an unfortunate fact of life for out queer people, we are a political football and right now people are mote than a little keyed up. Usually the hate tends to ramp down once they don't need their hogs as riled. All this being said, the most important thing is your safety, I say this not to deter you or scared you just to encourage you to be judicious and prepared. In my experience like 99% of people are cool, but you don't want to run into that 1%.
I would also seriously consider looking into local trans support groups. Online help is great, but I found irl support to be indispensable. Being able to get a irl trans friends to go with you shopping or going out is really helpful and affirming. Plus I met some of the coolest people I my life through support groups; hell its how I found my polycule. It can also be just super practical. Most trans support groups have institutional local knowledge of the best local business' and orgs that are friendly and cheap; plus access to under the table hormones if need be. That being said some groups can be super toxic so bail if you feel you need to, you can get by on internet support alone, it can just be harder.
Lastly, unless you like the facial hair I would get on that asap cus it can take a long time. Like I am a basic binary white bitch with brown hair with hella dysphoria, so it wasn't a question for me I lazered the shit out of it; and it has still taken 2 years. Shaving will get annoying, and not to get into passing discourse, but it is much easier to deal with the cis if you don't have to worry about it. Though you do you in the end, that's what transitioning is all about, if you like it and wana rock a beard as a lady more power too you.
I hope i was helpful. And as I said feel free to reach out if you ever need to talk.
I'm lucky enough to have decent insurance through my dad (who doesn't know I'm using it to transition, lol) but I can't start lasers until I've been on HRT for 6 months (I'm... 2 or 3? in rn). Fucking hate shaving cause I have really sensitive skin; even every other day is irritating, and I don't even look "fresh faced" after I'm done, never mind by the next time I can :(
Edit: also, I have no idea how to find a trans support group, but considering
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Security
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COVID
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I don't have a car
I don't think joining one is in the cards any time soon
Transitioning without letting family know is hard, I was lucky to have a supportive family, but I know some girls who really struggled. I have never heard that about laser vis a vis laser, I started basically at the same time I did HRT, who told you this? Most support groups are virtual now, but the fact that they are regionally based means its possible to meet up with people you meet there with some reasonable safety, though the car lack is a serious hiccup; this stupid fucking car society. The least I can say is that it is a way to get plugged into a local support network, even if you don't find yourself availing the support group aspect of it a ton. There is something to be said for being able to put out a call and have someone local be able to give you a lift on short notice or a couch to surf on, I see at least one request like this a week come through the listserv for my local group and they almost always get some support.
I feel you about shaving so hard, I had a massive denial beard before transitioning that my father always bragged about "thanks dad...." There are ways to better get a smooth shave if you need to, shaving after a hot shower can help expose more of the shafts of hair, as well as shaving twice, once with the grain and again against the grain of hair. Some foundation then can do the job of covering any subsurface coloration or afternoon shadow. Unfortunately the only real solution is to burn the little fuckers out like the facial kulaks they are. So I would definitely look into why whoever told you to wait did so.
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Tell them you’re a #girlboss and are going to privatize social security and be a landlxrd when you grow up :)
Its a tough one. Maybe wait and see which ones seem the most receptive. If you stay closeted perhaps talk about the issues facing you without mentioning that they effect you and measure their responses, and if they seem cool and big-hearted you can come out to them privately.
I’d say stay closeted but I’m a coward with very few friends so I’d value the friendship and social aspects over the correct gender. I’m also cis and have no conception of any experiences from your perspective so maybe don’t listen to me.
Healthy cynicism good. But do what will make your life best/most liveable :stalin-heart:
Edit for humor, might delete later if inappropriate:
Or, you could go the ayytalian route and say “ayyyy, I’m genderqueer ova heeeere”
My point being if you say you have they/them pronouns (are genderqueer) that might be an easier path to not get explicitly misgendered.
Fuck me. I’m probably giving questionable advice from a trans rights perspective, but that’s what I would do if it were me
Main issue with that, at least for me, is that I can’t really be “friends” with someone if I have to hide who I am and let them unknowingly upset me all the time
I get that.. Check my edit for another maybe not great idea
I saw it and didn’t really have anything to say. I don’t identify as genderqueer necessarily and if I’m gonna be asking for people to use unintuitive pronouns for me, they may as well be my proper ones
Thanks comrade. Do what’s right for you obviously. I have little conception as a cissy. Hopefully trans friends here will chime in
I think that if you feel more comfortable with she/her, then you should ask them to call you she/her.
Easier said than done, I know. But if being misgendered is making you uncomfortable then I think you should correct them. Life is stressful enough at the moment without the extra layer of having your identity questioned.
They’re all really young and mostly nonwhite so the Actual Chud possibilities are low; my main worry is just being let go from the job entirely rather than mixed reactions from coworkers since I’ll be spending all day driving alone anyway
Amazon
Edit: technically not even amazon but a third party logistics company that works only for amazon, so both amazon and a small business tyrant lol
off topic, but this brings up a very good vocabulary word
In economics, a monopsony is a market structure in which a single buyer substantially controls the market as the major purchaser of goods and services offered by many would-be sellers.
I don't think this is an everything/nothing situation. I'd probably correct / inform the people who seem friendly who you care about - people you interact with who demonstrate signs of humanity. But there's a limit to how deep you can plant your roots in an organization with such high turnover.
I'm a just cis guy who doesn't know anything, but I might try to go by a general rule that it's probably good for people you deal with on a name to name basis to know, but impossible / not worth it to remind everybody in the organization.
At will doesn't mean what people think it means. At will means you can be fired for no reason. It does not mean you can be fired for any reason. There are a whole host of reasons that are illegal to fire someone, and claiming you coincidentally didn't fire them for an illegal reason isn't some magic loophole either.
HOWEVER, whether these rules have teeth and will protect you, personally, depends on where you live, your own circumstances, your employer, etc etc.
I really can't say what makes sense from a practical perspective, but I think it's important for people to know that, legally, they do have rights and options, even if our de facto caste system means that many people won't actually be protected by those rights in practice.
Are you out to close friends or family? Is there someone at work you feel particularly confident would support you in coming out to other coworkers? Coming out isn't necessarily an all or nothing thing, and you're gonna run into bigots eventually. It's good to have some meatspace support when that happens. The only reason I ask is because sometimes and in some situations, things can get a lot harder when you have the courage to live authentically.
Coming out, both times I did it, has been one of the best decisions I've ever made. That doesn't mean it isn't without hardship. Sometimes you lose people in your life or people treat you unjustly because of who you are. Sometimes you thought those people were your friends or allies. It's important to realize when that happens that they weren't, and that the entire dynamic that changed was premised on your willingness to play along with their incorrect notions of your identity. In those cases, it's very comforting to have other people, especially other queer folks, who can understand and support you.
It's really exciting that you're beginning to feel comfortable enough to be yourself around the people in your life, and I hope you get all the love and support you deserve for that. However you decide to proceed, I'd looking forward to hearing how things went. :trans-heart: :trans-heart: :trans-heart:
