As of late, I have had a bug in my mind that has been just eating away at me. The feeling that my somewhat atypical experience makes me feel fake. The accusations of us users here being "fake transfolk" is not exactly helping matters for me either. It really boils down to a few bullet points that I can hopefully outline in a coherent fashion.
I have moved with incredible speed throughout my transition thus far. I am in my mid-30s. I started questioning my gender in mid-late 2019. My egg finally cracked in June 2022, at the age of 32. I started HRT a short two months later in August of 2022. Since then, I've changed my legal name and gender. I have also started the process of bottom surgery and am currently scheduled to have the procedure in April. That is 22 months from egg cracking to bottom surgery.
I never really questioned my gender during my childhood. I read a lot of stories about transfolk who have known for a very long time. Like, most seem to fall into the realm of having known since prepubescence or somewhere in the years of puberty. Now, I had a very...special...time as a teenager where I don't remember a godsdamned thing about any of it. To put it in short, I was thrown out of the house at 15 and was forced to take care of my dementia laden grandparent. Either way, I'm pretty certain that questioning my gender in any manner wasn't a part of it.
I honestly just feel like any and all signs I had pointing to the fact that I was trans all my life feel fabricated on my part cause I feel like I'm chasing a fad so to speak. Trying to fit in with my friends and my family. This thought isn't entirely unwarranted. I'm pansexual and came to realize this back in 2007. I knew this, yet still exclusively called myself gay at the time because I thought it would help me find friends. I just wonder if this is another of those cases.
I will post some positive reinforcement at the very least. As noted, signs did exist of me being trans dating all the way back to the age of 4. I used to pretend I was pregnant alllll the way back then when playing with my sisters. Something I did quite often if my memories serve me well. I never really cared for toys as a child as I preferred video games back then. I did, however, want toys geared towards girls back then, like Polly Pocket. Even to current me, those things were dope as hell and I wish I had one. Moving past the dark years, I wanted to dress in skirts in my late teens and try walking in high heels. I played girls in video games starting in my mid-20s. I openly wished to have breasts shortly thereafter. I m also on record at the time of saying "Y'know, I wouldn't mind having a vagina. I don't think I'd care that much if I lost my dick."
Ultimately, I feel as though maybe I'm just psyching myself out because I have a major life change coming up in a scant couple months. Even with all this on my mind, I still think it was the best decision I ever made for myself as of current. I can't imagine a life where I would go back to being a man. I can't imagine losing all that I've gained thus far. My body, my voice, my emotions. All of it. I don't want to lose it. At the end of the day, I'm just afraid I'm going to look back at all of this in 10 years and say "Boy I sure made a colossal mistake right there." My experience being atypical makes me think that maybe I am just riding a fad so to speak. After all, I never came to this realization until recently, so late in my life.
When it boils down to it, I'm not really looking for validation or any of that. I get enough of that from my partners. What I want is a raw opinion and some discussion into the matter. If you feel as if you wish to respond, feel free to ask me any questions you so desire. So long as they're not identifying, I don't mind sharing most information about myself. I'm an open book. Either way, thank you for making it through this post. It is greatly appreciated that you took the time out of your day to read me rambling on in a word salad only fit for a big trough.
TL;DR I'm extremely insecure about my transness due to atypical life experiences compared to the community at large and am scared of making a big mistake.
Not atypical. But your feelings are valid and grounded in your material reality.
A couple notes: bringing this up is at its core, is trying to find further justification for something you want - which is to be a woman in every way possible. A cis person doesn't want to change their gender, a cis person doesn't feel comfortable even with the idea of transitioning let alone following thought on it. As trans people we can be scared and have doubts, we're only human and it's a big life change in an unsupportive world. What's more, cis people don't look for clues and signs that they're trans. You're reaching for as much justification as you can get because we live in a world that wants to deny us an existence, and our culture really does that to all kinds of people - that's an ill of the culture, not you.
Further, not remembering chunks of your childhood is symptomatic of trauma. This trauma can be something that was directly done to you, but also being raised as the gender that you're not is also traumatic but much harder to see than a flagrant abuse.
Talk with a therapist if you can get one! Either way, we will of course be here to lend an ear wherever we can!
I really should find a way to properly process the trauma that I dealt with as a child. I have some memories of the time between the ages of 14 and 17, but not very many. I know vaguely what happened during that time. Unfortunately, that was almost 20 years ago, so even if the memories are there, they might fade to the point where I won't be able to properly deal with them. I really should look into a therapist though. If only it weren't absurdly difficult to find one for LGBTQIA+ issues near where I live.
I definitely am just kinda fishing around for justification for being trans as well, but part of me also wishes I weren't. Life for me has gotten so terrifying and so fucking difficult since I made that jump to start HRT 17 months ago. Constantly having to worry about passing, how I look, how I sound, if my boobs are growing properly, if my beard is finally gone or not, if my clothing choices make sense, if some random chud is going to clock me and start shit with me, just everything really. It's just so much and takes such a mental toll on me.