As of late, I have had a bug in my mind that has been just eating away at me. The feeling that my somewhat atypical experience makes me feel fake. The accusations of us users here being "fake transfolk" is not exactly helping matters for me either. It really boils down to a few bullet points that I can hopefully outline in a coherent fashion.
I have moved with incredible speed throughout my transition thus far. I am in my mid-30s. I started questioning my gender in mid-late 2019. My egg finally cracked in June 2022, at the age of 32. I started HRT a short two months later in August of 2022. Since then, I've changed my legal name and gender. I have also started the process of bottom surgery and am currently scheduled to have the procedure in April. That is 22 months from egg cracking to bottom surgery.
I never really questioned my gender during my childhood. I read a lot of stories about transfolk who have known for a very long time. Like, most seem to fall into the realm of having known since prepubescence or somewhere in the years of puberty. Now, I had a very...special...time as a teenager where I don't remember a godsdamned thing about any of it. To put it in short, I was thrown out of the house at 15 and was forced to take care of my dementia laden grandparent. Either way, I'm pretty certain that questioning my gender in any manner wasn't a part of it.
I honestly just feel like any and all signs I had pointing to the fact that I was trans all my life feel fabricated on my part cause I feel like I'm chasing a fad so to speak. Trying to fit in with my friends and my family. This thought isn't entirely unwarranted. I'm pansexual and came to realize this back in 2007. I knew this, yet still exclusively called myself gay at the time because I thought it would help me find friends. I just wonder if this is another of those cases.
I will post some positive reinforcement at the very least. As noted, signs did exist of me being trans dating all the way back to the age of 4. I used to pretend I was pregnant alllll the way back then when playing with my sisters. Something I did quite often if my memories serve me well. I never really cared for toys as a child as I preferred video games back then. I did, however, want toys geared towards girls back then, like Polly Pocket. Even to current me, those things were dope as hell and I wish I had one. Moving past the dark years, I wanted to dress in skirts in my late teens and try walking in high heels. I played girls in video games starting in my mid-20s. I openly wished to have breasts shortly thereafter. I m also on record at the time of saying "Y'know, I wouldn't mind having a vagina. I don't think I'd care that much if I lost my dick."
Ultimately, I feel as though maybe I'm just psyching myself out because I have a major life change coming up in a scant couple months. Even with all this on my mind, I still think it was the best decision I ever made for myself as of current. I can't imagine a life where I would go back to being a man. I can't imagine losing all that I've gained thus far. My body, my voice, my emotions. All of it. I don't want to lose it. At the end of the day, I'm just afraid I'm going to look back at all of this in 10 years and say "Boy I sure made a colossal mistake right there." My experience being atypical makes me think that maybe I am just riding a fad so to speak. After all, I never came to this realization until recently, so late in my life.
When it boils down to it, I'm not really looking for validation or any of that. I get enough of that from my partners. What I want is a raw opinion and some discussion into the matter. If you feel as if you wish to respond, feel free to ask me any questions you so desire. So long as they're not identifying, I don't mind sharing most information about myself. I'm an open book. Either way, thank you for making it through this post. It is greatly appreciated that you took the time out of your day to read me rambling on in a word salad only fit for a big trough.
TL;DR I'm extremely insecure about my transness due to atypical life experiences compared to the community at large and am scared of making a big mistake.
As others have pointed out, your experience is actually highly typical of the community at large. As in, you hit all the marks of actually common trans biographies. The thing is, if you feel that you're speedrunning your transition and that you aren't ready for bottom surgery yet, it's ok and valid to postpone and make another appointment at a later date, or to call it off entirely. You can progress through this at your own pace, it's your decision which steps to take and it doesn't make you less trans or less of a woman when you're unoperated, the only question should be what kind of body you want to live in and that just varies a lot from person to person. I know several people who went off testosterone HRT and still identify as nonbinary and are still gender as fuck and active parts of local queer communities. I just met another one yesterday at my local dyke bar, bowl cut, miniskirt and complete bear mode body hair, pronouns any / all, but statistically they count as a detransitioner when the reality is simply that they've gotten all they want out of T and are fine with that. The idea that we need to follow a pre-determined checklist of necessary transition steps and must not deviate from it, the threat that backing down, reversing, stopping or just pausing aren't acceptable options, that's such a pile of horseshit. This isn't how our lives play out irl, people are messy and complicated and we're allowed to have messy and complicated relationships to our gender and to our transition.
I'm not so concerned that I'm not personally ready for it, but rather that I don't deserve it. As noted, I'm moving super quickly through this whole thing and I know that there are a ton of folks out there who have been waiting for so long and have known for so long. It's a matter of I feel guilty that those other people are getting what they need over me, someone whose egg cracked a mere year and a half ago. I just feel...fake. I hate feeling like this. I don't want to feel like this. I don't like the doubt. It's really unsettling and just fucks with me fully.
Also, I refuse to detransition. I'd rather die. Hands down. I want to keep moving forward. It's why I refuse to cancel my surgery. It's why I do my damnedest to give my injection every week. I don't wanna go back. I never want to be a "man" ever again.
I feel you, i wasn't suggesting that, either. Just saying that constantly pushing forward isn't something that should be expected of trans people.
I also get the doubt and how that fucks with you pre-surgery. Like, i know i need to get something done every time i have sex, and 90% of the time when i look at my junk it's "wtf even is that stuff", but i still worry if it's the right decision from time to time even though it's super fucking obvious that yes, yes it is the right decision. I think that's normal, just as it's definitely normal to feel like a fake trans person even though you're very obviously not fake, i hear that all the time from people who are very clearly super mega trans 3000.
That really helped. Not gonna lie. I suppose this is what I needed to hear this afternoon. It genuinely makes me understand that I’m just…scared. What you experience is pretty much what I experience. Almost word for word really. It is also reassuring to hear that a lot of other people go through this; Not just me.
I know I can keep going and moving towards the real me. I am genuine. Not a fake like my damn brain is making me feel like. This happened because I am trans and not for any other reason.
Thanks to you and the others here, I can be reassured that I’m not truly atypical, but just another face among the crowd and that truly makes me feel better. Thank you. Seriously
I'm really, really glad to hear this! It means a lot that i could help.