also seconding what Ideology said, and adding that your description is super similar to me, so feel free to send any questions if that helps. Regarding the paralysis for me I eventually decided to trust in my instincts instead of trying to rationalize everything, but that had to do with how strong my conscious-level self repression was. Letting my emotional instincts open up then let me start recognizing bits of euphoria and dysphoria and start addressing those individually without worrying if they aligned with any kind of social gender i had in mind, which works well for me. Also nice account name, nightshades are my favorite group of plants.