Lately I've had this thought like, you only desire (or allow yourself to desire) the things you believe you could reasonably get. Like I used to think I was a pretty frugal person that didn't like to buy a bunch of junk, but when I actually had disposable income I found I did have a lot of frivolous things I wanted to buy. Like I was just saying I didn't like frivolous things as cope when I couldn't have them. I think my gender stuff is like that, I think because I wouldn't ever afford all the surgery and medications and doctors, not to mention dealing with the anxiety and social aspects of it, I just don't allow myself to feel that way and suppress it. I just think like, who would I even be doing it for, maybe that's just something you should accept and be okay with. Like if I, as a man, was losing my hair to male pattern baldness I feel like the response most people would give is "why are you taking drugs to change something like that, why not just accept it?" or "you know plugs don't even look that good, it's just facsimile hair, you'll waste your money and it won't feel the same and people will be able to tell the difference". Then I think like, even if I had been born one way I'd still just be trans in the other direction, like I just wouldn't comfortable in any body. If the tech was there to put your brain in a computer and leave your body behind I'd be one of those people.