This is not as bad as I was imagining. She's very vague about the details, and doesn't herself seem to consider it assault. Obviously the boyfriend has reacted rather shitty thus far, but she doesn't want to leave him. The commenter seems like a chud, but he his at least answering her based on that reality. (Most other comments seem based around trying to get revenge on whoever sent the video. Not a bad idea, but that's not helping her right now.)
I'm probably gonna get downvoted for this, but it seems like it's been maybe only a day. Sometimes people react very shitty, and a situation like that is hard not be reactionary in. The "other men, but not him part" is very very oof, and not a little bit cruel. But the idea that dealing with both such a revelation and the actual recording of it should come easy and naturally is crazy. Everyone is not either a saint or a demon. Sometimes you say shitty things that you really regret later, sometimes you're not there for people you really love when they need you. I know I've been guilty of both of those. If you have yet to be, feel free to downvote me, and best of luck in keeping it up. Regret sucks.
"She was on drugs and underage… not thinking of it as assault is a defense mechanism."
Possibly but that's still how she's considering it. In terms of answering her on reddit with very little information, I think it is totally fair and appropriate to respond to people on their own terms, and not demand that they adapt yours.
" “other men, but not me” can’t be overlooked as just oof"
I meant "oof" as in it obviously would hurt to hear. As I said, it is undeniably cruel. But why say such a cruel thing? Because he's evil? Possibly. But she loves him and thinks of their 4 year relationship as wonderful. It is totally possible that he said it out of a place of pain; saying a reactionarily painful thing to express the hurt you are feeling. Is he wrong to be focusing on his pain instead of hers? Yes. But I don't think that means we need to deny that he is also experiencing pain.
Sure, if he decides that his reaction in the immediate aftermath of this discovery is, actually, the right one to have, he's a terrible person. But reacting badly in and of itself doesn't make you a terrible person.
"If this were my partner..."
I sincerely hope so, but it's not so you don't know. I think you need to temper your confidence, but it's clearly worked for you so far so I'm sure you won't. I do hope you're never tested beyond your breaking point though.
He got sent revenge porn and wasn't able to focus on how traumatic that is for her, only how uncomfortable it made him. There is no "revelation", this is a sexual offense. Anyone who reacts like the bf is a bad person, no need to sweeten reality. Misogyny from a man isn't a character flaw or only a "little" cruel, lol.
At this point I shouldn't be surprised at rape culture and people ignoring women's trauma for men's comfort, but oh well.
I said it's not a little cruel, i.e. it's more than a little cruel. And it is a revelation for him, even if you're rightfully more empathetic with her.
A bad reaction doesn't make a bad person. The reality is that people are more complicated and less saintly than that. I do you wish you luck with continuing your apparently unbroken streak of never having reacted badly to anything or ever hurt anyone though.
I can't say I have witnessed a traumatic event of a person I know (much less a romantic partner) by making it about myself, even less my dick. Is that too much to ask from people now lmao.
Can't say I care about misogynist men more than I care about women suffering from patriarchal violence. You sound like a chud. "Oh, he can't help it. Men are just like that.". You call it a "bad" reaction but you don't call it a misogynist reaction.
Are you just unfamiliar with feminism? Being a misogynist does make you a bad person. If you have internalized shit you have to work on then… do your job. I won't sweeten it for you.
Edit:
I do you wish you luck with continuing your apparently unbroken streak of never having reacted badly to anything or ever hurt anyone though.
Lol, what makes you think I wouldn't want to be called out for misogyny or hurting someone? Do you think I'm harsh but never self-criticize? That's not how this thing works.
OK, it's a misogynistic reaction. Now what? We live in a misogynistic society, and obviously this guy also grew up steeped in it as much as anyone else. That doesn't make him a misogynist. Maybe he is, but we have only this one piece of evidence against him, and her saying he's "never been anything less than supportive" for four years in his favor.
If I sound like a chud, you sound like a reactionary essentialist. I don't know if you're young, inexperienced, or simply hold a very dualistic view of the world, but not everything is black and white. People are not simply good or bad. Sometimes people need forgiveness, and part of the process of forgiving is understanding why they did what they did. Sure, maybe he will stick with this reaction, end the relationship, and go on being shitty. But since it seems like this had just happened, and based on the length of their relationship, discussion of marriage, etc. I think it actually far more likely that he will apologize and come back. All the advice telling her that he is a misogynist and to move on is premature at best, and will only cause her more hurt and shame in the long run, since she is obviously set on continuing the relationship with him. Literally the only question she actually asked was, "What do I even say to him to try and fix this?"
Which is why I find your invocation of "feminism" so ironic. Despite being a feminist, you seem to think that what women need is more people telling them what to do and think. If she had brought this story forward as a reason for wanting to leave this man and was looking for confirmation that she was justified and not crazy, then fine. But I fail to see given the actual context how telling her that she is wrong followed by what she should actually want to do and be doing is feminism (or even productive for that matter). I prefer a kind of feminism that involves listening to women, being supportive, and dealing with them on their own terms. I don't know her, him, or them as a couple; all I have is her short post. Why would I presume to know what was best for her, especially when that kind of advice was not even what she was asking for? Which is why I said I appreciated the highlighted reply for at least attempting to respond to her actual question. Most everyone else seems to be gleefully offering her revenge plots against the sender or counseling her to leave her boyfriend a la father knows best.
In any case, your argumentative style that relies on personal attacks and putting words in my mouth does you no favors. It's clear you have no intention of engaging with me honestly, nor any real interest in listening to me or my opinions. I leave a response here only for internet posterity.
Despite being a feminist, you seem to think that what women need is more people telling them what to do and think.
Literally when did I even comment on whether she should leave the relationship or not. This is not Reddit, you are not OP. Why would I?
I prefer a kind of feminism that involves listening to women, being supportive, and dealing with them on their own terms.
And this makes you unable to call out misogyny? Damn. Feminism is not when women and non binary folk do something. Your first comment wasn't feminist and none of your replies have been feminist. So where does this come from?
Whatever, no mention on why you said this dismissive cringe:
I do you wish you luck with continuing your apparently unbroken streak of never having reacted badly to anything or ever hurt anyone though.
But yeah sure, I "have no intention of engaging with (you) honestly" here.
"no mention on why you said this dismissive cringe"
Again, your dishonest argumentative tactics are not helpful. You are not responding to every line I have written but you expect me to do so for you. Hardly fair. But I will continue to generously humor you and explain that it was a blithe comment about how your attitude seems to indicate you've never had to forgive someone you love for anything serious, nor need such forgiveness for yourself. Otherwise I would expect you to be more understanding about how otherwise decent people can do shitty things. I am sorry if I offended you, though you betray yourself in hyper-focusing on the one thing I said that even could be interpreted as offensive, whereas you, on the other hand, have said a laundry list of far more offensive things to me that I have somehow managed to brush off.
"Literally when did I even comment on whether she should leave the relationship or not."
I'm hoping you're being disingenuous here. You have called her boyfriend a "misogynist" and a "bad person" whose problems go beyond "character flaws." Yet you are going to impossibly claim that you don't think she should leave him? If so you are being pedantic, as the only option you are leaving open is for her to choose to stay with someone she now knows to be a bad person and a misogynist. What kind of choice is that? Whether yours is literally one of them or not, the chorus of voices on reddit are only going to serve to shame her should she not illogically choose to continue her stable, long-term relationship.
"And this makes you unable to call out misogyny? Damn. Feminism is not when women and non binary folk do something. Your first comment wasn’t feminist and none of your replies have been feminist. So where does this come from?"
I barely can grasp at an understanding of what you are saying here. In the very first line of my reply I agreed with you that misogyny is playing a part here. I disagree with your labelling of him as a misogynist, and further don't understand how you believe it to be helpful to the conversation and what you hope to achieve by doing so.
Where does what come from?
I am sorry you don't consider me or my replies to be feminist, but don't worry, that was already clear from your wild accusations two posts ago. Fortunately for me you are not the pope of feminism. For my part I haven't found your replies to be particularly feminist either, though I don't know how simply stating that is helpful.
I'm not being disingenuous, I genuinely think that what I believe she should do doesn't matter. Because, this is not Reddit and you are not OP. I don't see it as pedantic.
I can only comment on the actions of a misogynist man who witnessed a traumatic event for his girlfriend and made it about his dick.
how you believe it to be helpful to the conversation and what you hope to achieve by doing so.
What conversation? You want to answer OP's post ("I want to keep my relationship") and I don't. I want to be more mindful of the way misogyny hurts women. Your original comment sounds dismissive of the way this is misogyny and sexual violence:
Sometimes you say shitty things that you really regret later, sometimes you’re not there for people you really love when they need you.
Forgive me for thinking it's an inappropriate response. So:
He got sent revenge porn and wasn’t able to focus on how traumatic that is for her. (…) I shouldn’t be surprised at rape culture and people (linked Reddit comment) ignoring women’s trauma for men’s comfort, but oh well.
Edit: why the fuck is this thread still going on. It has no substance.
"I genuinely think that what I believe she should do doesn’t matter. Because, this is not Reddit and you are not OP."
So if you're only judging her in your mind, and disagree with saying these things to her directly on reddit, then I don't even know why this entire page exists.
" why the fuck is this thread still going on. It has no substance."
I'm judging her bf and the redditor who commented. I don't judge victims and survivors.
and disagree with saying these things to her directly on reddit
I think getting her in contact with rpe and revenge porn survivors would be more helpful than excusing her bf. I would have commented that.
then I don’t even know why this entire page exists.
Well you see. A few months ago, a subreddit for a popular left-wing podcast was banned from reddit. This subreddit was called ChapoTrapHouse after the pod and was a place were leftists would post memes. The ban was meant to-
This is not as bad as I was imagining. She's very vague about the details, and doesn't herself seem to consider it assault. Obviously the boyfriend has reacted rather shitty thus far, but she doesn't want to leave him. The commenter seems like a chud, but he his at least answering her based on that reality. (Most other comments seem based around trying to get revenge on whoever sent the video. Not a bad idea, but that's not helping her right now.)
I'm probably gonna get downvoted for this, but it seems like it's been maybe only a day. Sometimes people react very shitty, and a situation like that is hard not be reactionary in. The "other men, but not him part" is very very oof, and not a little bit cruel. But the idea that dealing with both such a revelation and the actual recording of it should come easy and naturally is crazy. Everyone is not either a saint or a demon. Sometimes you say shitty things that you really regret later, sometimes you're not there for people you really love when they need you. I know I've been guilty of both of those. If you have yet to be, feel free to downvote me, and best of luck in keeping it up. Regret sucks.
deleted by creator
yeah the “other men, but not me” thing was so fucked up I can't even describe how angry that made me to read.
Possibly but that's still how she's considering it. In terms of answering her on reddit with very little information, I think it is totally fair and appropriate to respond to people on their own terms, and not demand that they adapt yours.
I meant "oof" as in it obviously would hurt to hear. As I said, it is undeniably cruel. But why say such a cruel thing? Because he's evil? Possibly. But she loves him and thinks of their 4 year relationship as wonderful. It is totally possible that he said it out of a place of pain; saying a reactionarily painful thing to express the hurt you are feeling. Is he wrong to be focusing on his pain instead of hers? Yes. But I don't think that means we need to deny that he is also experiencing pain.
Sure, if he decides that his reaction in the immediate aftermath of this discovery is, actually, the right one to have, he's a terrible person. But reacting badly in and of itself doesn't make you a terrible person.
I sincerely hope so, but it's not so you don't know. I think you need to temper your confidence, but it's clearly worked for you so far so I'm sure you won't. I do hope you're never tested beyond your breaking point though.
He got sent revenge porn and wasn't able to focus on how traumatic that is for her, only how uncomfortable it made him. There is no "revelation", this is a sexual offense. Anyone who reacts like the bf is a bad person, no need to sweeten reality. Misogyny from a man isn't a character flaw or only a "little" cruel, lol.
At this point I shouldn't be surprised at rape culture and people ignoring women's trauma for men's comfort, but oh well.
I said it's not a little cruel, i.e. it's more than a little cruel. And it is a revelation for him, even if you're rightfully more empathetic with her.
A bad reaction doesn't make a bad person. The reality is that people are more complicated and less saintly than that. I do you wish you luck with continuing your apparently unbroken streak of never having reacted badly to anything or ever hurt anyone though.
I can't say I have witnessed a traumatic event of a person I know (much less a romantic partner) by making it about myself, even less my dick. Is that too much to ask from people now lmao.
Can't say I care about misogynist men more than I care about women suffering from patriarchal violence. You sound like a chud. "Oh, he can't help it. Men are just like that.". You call it a "bad" reaction but you don't call it a misogynist reaction.
Are you just unfamiliar with feminism? Being a misogynist does make you a bad person. If you have internalized shit you have to work on then… do your job. I won't sweeten it for you.
Edit:
Lol, what makes you think I wouldn't want to be called out for misogyny or hurting someone? Do you think I'm harsh but never self-criticize? That's not how this thing works.
OK, it's a misogynistic reaction. Now what? We live in a misogynistic society, and obviously this guy also grew up steeped in it as much as anyone else. That doesn't make him a misogynist. Maybe he is, but we have only this one piece of evidence against him, and her saying he's "never been anything less than supportive" for four years in his favor.
If I sound like a chud, you sound like a reactionary essentialist. I don't know if you're young, inexperienced, or simply hold a very dualistic view of the world, but not everything is black and white. People are not simply good or bad. Sometimes people need forgiveness, and part of the process of forgiving is understanding why they did what they did. Sure, maybe he will stick with this reaction, end the relationship, and go on being shitty. But since it seems like this had just happened, and based on the length of their relationship, discussion of marriage, etc. I think it actually far more likely that he will apologize and come back. All the advice telling her that he is a misogynist and to move on is premature at best, and will only cause her more hurt and shame in the long run, since she is obviously set on continuing the relationship with him. Literally the only question she actually asked was, "What do I even say to him to try and fix this?"
Which is why I find your invocation of "feminism" so ironic. Despite being a feminist, you seem to think that what women need is more people telling them what to do and think. If she had brought this story forward as a reason for wanting to leave this man and was looking for confirmation that she was justified and not crazy, then fine. But I fail to see given the actual context how telling her that she is wrong followed by what she should actually want to do and be doing is feminism (or even productive for that matter). I prefer a kind of feminism that involves listening to women, being supportive, and dealing with them on their own terms. I don't know her, him, or them as a couple; all I have is her short post. Why would I presume to know what was best for her, especially when that kind of advice was not even what she was asking for? Which is why I said I appreciated the highlighted reply for at least attempting to respond to her actual question. Most everyone else seems to be gleefully offering her revenge plots against the sender or counseling her to leave her boyfriend a la father knows best.
In any case, your argumentative style that relies on personal attacks and putting words in my mouth does you no favors. It's clear you have no intention of engaging with me honestly, nor any real interest in listening to me or my opinions. I leave a response here only for internet posterity.
Literally when did I even comment on whether she should leave the relationship or not. This is not Reddit, you are not OP. Why would I?
And this makes you unable to call out misogyny? Damn. Feminism is not when women and non binary folk do something. Your first comment wasn't feminist and none of your replies have been feminist. So where does this come from?
Whatever, no mention on why you said this dismissive cringe:
But yeah sure, I "have no intention of engaging with (you) honestly" here.
Again, your dishonest argumentative tactics are not helpful. You are not responding to every line I have written but you expect me to do so for you. Hardly fair. But I will continue to generously humor you and explain that it was a blithe comment about how your attitude seems to indicate you've never had to forgive someone you love for anything serious, nor need such forgiveness for yourself. Otherwise I would expect you to be more understanding about how otherwise decent people can do shitty things. I am sorry if I offended you, though you betray yourself in hyper-focusing on the one thing I said that even could be interpreted as offensive, whereas you, on the other hand, have said a laundry list of far more offensive things to me that I have somehow managed to brush off.
I'm hoping you're being disingenuous here. You have called her boyfriend a "misogynist" and a "bad person" whose problems go beyond "character flaws." Yet you are going to impossibly claim that you don't think she should leave him? If so you are being pedantic, as the only option you are leaving open is for her to choose to stay with someone she now knows to be a bad person and a misogynist. What kind of choice is that? Whether yours is literally one of them or not, the chorus of voices on reddit are only going to serve to shame her should she not illogically choose to continue her stable, long-term relationship.
I barely can grasp at an understanding of what you are saying here. In the very first line of my reply I agreed with you that misogyny is playing a part here. I disagree with your labelling of him as a misogynist, and further don't understand how you believe it to be helpful to the conversation and what you hope to achieve by doing so.
Where does what come from?
I am sorry you don't consider me or my replies to be feminist, but don't worry, that was already clear from your wild accusations two posts ago. Fortunately for me you are not the pope of feminism. For my part I haven't found your replies to be particularly feminist either, though I don't know how simply stating that is helpful.
I'm not being disingenuous, I genuinely think that what I believe she should do doesn't matter. Because, this is not Reddit and you are not OP. I don't see it as pedantic.
I can only comment on the actions of a misogynist man who witnessed a traumatic event for his girlfriend and made it about his dick.
What conversation? You want to answer OP's post ("I want to keep my relationship") and I don't. I want to be more mindful of the way misogyny hurts women. Your original comment sounds dismissive of the way this is misogyny and sexual violence:
Forgive me for thinking it's an inappropriate response. So:
Edit: why the fuck is this thread still going on. It has no substance.
So if you're only judging her in your mind, and disagree with saying these things to her directly on reddit, then I don't even know why this entire page exists.
Fair.
I'm judging her bf and the redditor who commented. I don't judge victims and survivors.
I think getting her in contact with rpe and revenge porn survivors would be more helpful than excusing her bf. I would have commented that.
Well you see. A few months ago, a subreddit for a popular left-wing podcast was banned from reddit. This subreddit was called ChapoTrapHouse after the pod and was a place were leftists would post memes. The ban was meant to-
I mean this particular page rather than the whole website....
That's where I was getting at, smh.