I think I'd be a Hired Goon. A bit more specific in purpose to Hired Thug but not so committed to be a Henchman.
I'm the guy who stands next to a red barrel shooting a gun, crouching behind it to reload with my head exposed. It's the only red barrel in the room. Maybe it's full of health potion juice or something.
Low tier Grunt/Sentry huh? Maybe see if you can work uo to Guard? You still get killed but later and cooler and you get to seize people pretty often.
I've already reached the height of my profession. I'm guarding the room full of barrels right before the final villain's chambers. They trust me with their life even if I'll never make miniboss because I look like a harbour seal when I do pushups.
If they get to you all other barrels have been compromised, you're the last hope to keep at least one breeding pair of barrels alive.
:rat-salute-2:
The explosives are in small crates scattered around the floor, mixed in with pistol and ammo rifle of all sorts. There are large trucks marked "AMMUNITION" which I'd stand next to if I didn't see a red barrel around.
Just the red ones. The blue ones are full of first aide kits that instantly heal bullet wounds.
I'm the scientist who says "but it isn't ready yet!" right before the boss turns the machine on anyways
I'd be the absolutely loyal yet completely stupid meat head who talks in a shitty Brooklyn accent
"Ay, you got it, Boss"
Are you the bigger deep voiced kind or the smaller nasally voiced kind?
"My voice is deeper than the river we gave that snitch the concrete shoes in! Hehehehehe!"
Every half decent goon should have a good "It's the Bat!" shout ready to go at a moment's notice
"Not if I give him wunna DEEZ" (Pulls out some brass knuckles and clumsily shadow boxes)
The goon who keeps kissing his boss's ass until he starts to think you're being condescending and says "I KNOW I GOT IT. I'M THE FUCKING BOSS! OF COURSE I'D GET IT!" then kills you
I'm the guy that gets a big, overwhelming promotion when an earlier henchman fucks up and the boss kills him for it
I'd be an incredibly smug and sarcastic assistant to a mad scientist. Why I'm loyal to the death to a man I clearly have so much contempt for is never disclosed.
Oh, and since it seems to be vaguely on topic, here's the The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord , or the overlord list as it was called.
"I will not turn into a snake. It never helps."
From waaaay back in 1994. Before the dark times. Before the smartphone.
this is the best thing ever i've been laughing for 20 minutes
Like an evil version of Chief O'Brien from Star Trek.
Well not really evil, just working for the the bad guys. If the heroes come through I'm pointing towards the boss's lair and telling them to get out of my engine room.
one half of the bumbling pair of idiot goons who always get into crossdessing schemes, but inexplicably fail to be killed
Member of elite minion squad with sexy, form-fitting uniform. We don't actually accomplish all that much on-screen but we sure look cool.
Anonymous masked kind. Possibly with giant ninja claws and crawling around like a monster for some reason.
That's why one always drops down super loud right behind the protagonist so they know s fight is starting.
I always thought the Fixer was the coolest criminal job. Call me the Wolf and I'll come clean up your bodies and give you a cover story.
Nightmare job for me. I have to be focused and make decisions and if I fuck up other people face nasty consequences? The anxiety would make me implode like a neutron star.
I bribe cops too. "My guy on the force says arrest warrants are coming down from City Hall this weekend."
You need some official document forged? I can do that too.
Being a lawyer is the most direct path to being a fixer, yes. The other is P.I. which I always thought was cool, but it's not like the movie. PIs are all cops basically.
I would hench so long as it is against Dr Thaddeus Venture
The villain's techperson's grunt, basically my day job but more interesting
Tough luck, that a real easy position to get killed just for delivering bad news.
A giant methane production machine. We are going to fart the earth to death!
the brother-in-law. I amuse his sarcastic older sister and prevent her from interfering in his intrigues and machinations.
for this, I am granted some sinecure over a small, bureaucratic fief that comes with land, title and maybe a dozen men at arms of my choosing, mostly foreign mercenaries who help me train in tracking, stealth, languages, and small unit tactics.
I never really do anything though in the larger drama, except stare out at the cold, rocky sea and contemplate my lack of ambition over a joint with some curried potatoes or maybe a dry red.
