I know it’s a at best a useless mindset, as nothing will make me somehow magically get a new chance at those years. But it’s still a strong feeling and it’s still there.
I’m doing my best to push through it, I’m out there talking to people, but there’s usually a point where we are sharing personal anecdotes and I just feel my stomach tightening, as I barely have any of those. I have no experiences which means I have no identity which means I am uninteresting.
I’ve heard people talk confidently and dynamically about the most boring shit. My boss will tell elaborate stories about his morning commute or why he buys the energy drink he buys. Then I try to tell a story about like… shooting a movie and trespassing in a busy train station to get the shot we needed and I can’t hold anyone’s attention.
I’m not convinced you need any life experiences to have an identity or share a story. This of unfortunately not a solution.
I took a storytelling class at one point that helped with this. Oration is a whole skill for sure, independent of content.
You only get one skeleton, do you really want to go to your grave without the kind of perplexing skeletal injuries that will make an archeologist happy to find your bones?
I’m doing my best to push through it, I’m out there talking to people, but there’s usually a point where we are sharing personal anecdotes and I just feel my stomach tightening, as I barely have any of those. I have no experiences which means I have no identity which means I am uninteresting.
Most people stop learning in whatever thing they're interested in after about a year. You're not 10 years behind other people, you're closer to 2-3 years. I used to think that I was hopelessly behind other people when it came to dating but most people only learn how to date for a year or so. Then they just glide on what they know for the rest of their lives. It's the same for pretty much anything else. Once people stop learning passively, they usually stop learning.
It's the same for you. You're not 10 years behind, you're only 2-3 from being just as experienced as the average person.
I'm becoming old, bitter, and insane about it.
Like i'm also still engaged in a search for medical interventions that will let me get back out in the streets causing problems, but that hasn't borne fruit so for the time being angry and bitter and unhinged is what i've got
i had such a whirlwind of both "too many experiences" followed by a horrible crash and the worst run of luck imaginable that ruined my life before 22 that i am so fucking happy to just be safe and friendless and loaded with a nice protective cocoon of social anxiety.
the streets fucked me over so hard i was not prepared
People love talking about themselves. You can get pretty far by just listening to people.
At the risk of sounding cheesy as hell....there's this story i read a long time ago as a child and it really stuck to my ribs. It was in some Christmas compilation but it was sad as shit, but anyway this tree is in a forest, and it's unhappy because theyre smaller and further than the other trees and the squirrels make keep em awake. It's cut down from there and made into a Christmas tree all done up pretty, but the candles burn and too many people gather around and lil tree spends their time reminiscing about the time spent in the forest. You can see where this is going, it ends up as firewood, and as it burns it recalls everything it had experienced, sorry that it was over. I think what struck me most was how the lil tree never learned anything, even at the very end.
Besides the very saccharine lesson to focus on the present rather than dwell on what you may have lost to time, lil' tree also never thought they were worth anything. The prettiest tree in the forest, a beautiful centerpiece, a home and storyteller to mice, a source of warmth and light. Because it only saw itself, it never understood that others saw it differently even as they showed it in their actions.
So like i use this as a lesson I'm still trying to learn, not one i deserve to teach. But you don't have to prove yourself to the people that already want you around (im assuming this is about personal relationships not like work stuff). Just because you think you're uninteresting doesn't mean they do, feel me? I for one seriously doubt you have an anecdote about an interest that would bore me and i don't even know you yet
Holy shit, this post is gold. I need to internalise this, I need to internalise this, I need to internalise this, I need to internalise this...
To add something a bit more constructive: I always feel deeply sad about the stories where "they never learned," probably because it's so relatable. What a tragedy to go so long and never figure it out. I want to learn, I want to change, I want to be better.
Yeah, it really drives home the fact that lesson is one we all struggle to internalize. Most of us will never know what we mean to other people, especially when it's so hard to see the good parts of ourselves. The lil tree shows us that by acting just as we do, and the writer leaves it to the reader to see what they missed. It was probably the first story i had read that was like that so was powerful for young me.
Not powerful enough to internalize it tho lol even after all this time.
I thought of an example that shows i'm still working. My uncle suggested recently i come to a gathering of mixed family and friends. I said (i love my self deprecation) "i dunno i don't think I'd have anything to bring to the table" and he looked at me like i was an idiot replying "yes, cuz that's why i asked you to come"
It took me a long time to get that i don't have to bring anything but myself, or said a different way, that it was my company itself he wanted. That that was enough. and i still kinda don't get why that would be. That idea that is possible still surprises me when I'm presented with it every time.
Kinda reminds me of this one:
I have this idea that people are like shooting stars: fleeting and short-lived in the grand scheme of things, but they can be meaningful for the people lucky enough to catch them. I want to a bright-shining shooting star that gives people hope and lifts their spirits by being a positive role model. I feel like I have so much potential for that if I could work myself out.
Well the good news is (in my opinion) you don't have to work yourself out before you try to help other people, cuz in my experience the number one thing people want is understanding and empathy not someone with answers, yeah? Anywho that's how it's worked out for me.
Oh, absolutely. People are never "complete", and nobody's perfect. The "clean your own room first" notion is often a mere excuse to ignore your criticisms.
What I meant with it is that I feel like I have so much potential within me, but things like a fragile self-esteem and various insecurities prevent it from coming to full fruition. With more life experience, mental balance and some support from others, I could reach full self-actualisation and focus more on helping/inspiring others and taking initiative, rather than just getting by. I see things slowly changing, I have a lot of hope for myself as long as there's change.
Assuming you're talking about people traveling and dating and doing stuff with friends in their 20s while you hung out indoors on the computer or something:
I've experienced this with shorter periods of time (on the scale of a year or so) and the main way to move past them is to actually change your life in the way you want. If you're still in the period/mode of doing nothing then you stay stuck worrying about it. If you change your life and start doing things you don't worry about it so much, it just recedes into this amorphous time in the past when nothing happened. Life can be quite long. Are you changing your life to experience those things you want to experience now?
If you'd like some solidarity of experience from another group outside the norm, look up queer temporality.
I think the only thing that you can do is go out and try to do shit now, hopefully a few years of it and you'll have the anecdotes and that feeling doesn't set in. Also you might be surprised what people find interesting tbh. When I'm forced into making conversation my go to is talking about moving out here without much of a plan and people always seem impressed and then start asking about where I used to live. You may not be giving yourself enough credit
At least you're talking to people tho couldn't be me hahaaaaa
I've felt like this in different periods throughout my adult life and honestly I don't think I've ever really dealt with it. It kind of just fades away until the next time I get obsessively introspective about where I am in life.
i feel the same way, a lot.
in conversation, you could always fall back on your media experiences. So SO many people just talk about movies and music, games too.
also, did you know that when you read interesting things from interesting people, those interesting ideas become part of you? that's how I enjoy thinking of it. so if you read interesting things from interesting and obscure people, especially historical people, then you will have things to talk about (often very shocking things), and also become wise. In many ways, those experiences have become yours. that's what i tell myself, when i get sad about how little i've done with my life so far...
also refocusing your mindset. dont think about how interesting or uninteresting you might seem to the person you're talking to. think about how interesting THEY are!
There's several methods to handling this. First, you already have the insight and possess a level of introspection where you've reflected on this aspect of yourself enough to understand it is a flawed mindset. I would argue you didn't waste 10 years because it appears during that time you've developed a level of wisdom and maturity many people never do.
Second, in dealing with lack of experiences and struggling with identity, the best I can do is offer some advice that I hope you find helpful. Identity is a tricky thing because of how abstract it becomes the moment you really try to analyze the concept. For a long time I felt like a void of personality due to feeling no strong sense of identity to things that people I saw identified with. I wondered why they found meaning in these things while I couldn't. But I soon found its because their constructing an identity around employment, commodities, sports, etc., and that I was looking in the wrong places trying to answer "who am I?" I don't have a great answer to identity crisis though. Ultimately, try not to worry about "what's my identity/personality," let people piece it together themselves, either through conversation or by whatever symbols you may use to express yourself. Just let go of trying to define your own identity, let your understanding of yourself and your experiences define you. Which brings us to your reported lack of experiences.
Luckily, a couple things that can be done to help with that. The most immediate one, and it seems you are actively doing which is great, is to go make experiences. By meeting people, carving out opportunities, getting lucky, and so on. But "experiences" in terms of having a repertoire of personal anecdotes comes with time, and well, experience. You'll get there. No need to look backwards because these experiences are in your present and future.
The next thing you can do is a mix of changing mindset and finding the "experiences" you do have, or rather reframing your view of yourself and the last 10 years. Did you read? Did you learn? Did you cook something new? Did you go on a walk somewhere, take a hike, change a tire? Did you play video games, or watch TV? There's a plethora of things to draw from in any of those areas in terms of being able to converse and share experience. Like having an opinion about why you liked/didn't like something and talking about it. You can talk about any of it! Someone has a story and it reminds you of something from a book you read, talk about it.
Last thing, and I don't recommend this but you'll find a lot of people do this. Just lie. Half the stories you hear people telling about themselves, their "anecdotes", are bullshit. Its either highly exaggerated or they're just stealing a story they heard from someone else. Maybe they read it in a reddit comment. Some people will just collect 'bits' and then deploy them out in conversations, but its really just an act. So, you could also develop an 'act' of stories that you make yourself the main character of and use that to fill in the last 10 years. But I don't endorse this method for reasons I feel need no explanation.
Regret feels a lot like grief, in my experience, almost like a lighter shade of mourning what could have been. Acceptance is probably the hardest part of it, and it takes a different kind of mindset to reframe the way you look at yourself and what you have experienced. Hindsight after an extended period of surviving rather than living is probably one of the most difficult things to process emotionally, because you can look back and see the things that could (or should) have been different but there's no way to make changes. It's lonely, and the struggle is internal, making it hard to share and describe to others. It's okay to say "I got nothin" in those situations, though, or even sharing things that you wish you had done instead. Technically that's still sharing your experience without having to delve into that feeling of nothingness. You never know, someone might just say they feel the same, or even offer to make new experiences with you moving forward. I think being honest is the best way to genuinely connect to others. We're all walking our different paths, and moving at different speeds. Go easy on yourself comrade, it sounds like you're making good strides even if it feels like you're lagging behind.
I've lost a decade of my life too, and I know how that feels... I don't care for conversations or what people think, but I suffer a lot from that hole no one else understands. I hope you find a way to feel better about it.
why did you lose 10 years of your life?
i'm in my 4th decade now and i'm looking forward to not living beyond like 65 if i can help it
