this and more vicious self-owns, only in this incredible grass-toucher post (again)
I used to have irl friends but they all turned out to be horrible people or libs or whatever, I used to have leddit but leddit is fucking poisonous, I used to have discord servers and shit but I tend to pass into and out of discord groups with worrying ease, also I cant stop saying "another kkkracka down" at grampa's funeral
now I have bear website and it's the place I want to talk, what the fuck else even is there? where else would even tolerate me? any attempt to reach out and join communities or groups anywhere would probably result in critical psychic damage, also I still will not go into the queer center in town, what the fuck
bear website is the only spot where talking to people has a decent chance of not being a painful affair
hexagonal ursine webzone
going onto the bear site to tell everyone you are spending too much time on the bear site
Going onto the bear website to reaffirm my love and adoration for it being a space where talking to people isn:t a trial and being embarrassing isn't the death of you
I see it this way: the bear website kept me relatively sane in my worst periods. If I only had reddit/twitter/fb/etc my brain would have turned to mush as I lost all hope in humans. It's only because I still have some sanity left that I am now able to make a tentative attempt at making irl friends.
I do not use reddit/twitter/fb/etc, they are mind poisoners
Uncritical support to making irl friends
hexbear is generally nice to have, meanwhile the rest of the internet just feels very hostile. this website is probably the only place im social at to, since like in real life I have a lot of trouble speaking due to having trouble speaking/speech issues. and that is very isolating at times. also it just nice to just vent on here about stuff.
Real world is extremely hostile to my continued existence on many axes. Here there is only a coin flip chance one will be, usually.
The danger of how cozy and safe this space is it becomes hard to leave. Venture forth brave adventurer! There are comrades to be found to form a party so you won’t have to go alone.
I literally will fucking not. I probably couldn't be forced to at gunpoint.
comrades to be found
Just go ahead and tell me where, real quick.
I don’t want to be the weirdo asking where so I couldn’t possibly begin to answer that. You seem to know though based off the knowledge of a local district that’s at least somewhat woke.
I was just trying to be positive and provide supportive affirmation in finding irl people you seem to know where to find.
Sorry if that was unwelcome. My bad.
My town is a fucking hole lmao I live in a retirement town
I absolutely would not know where to find people but even if I did, I am so woefully socially inept that it would be pointless anyway
No apology needed you didnt do anything wrong
Go find a local dive bar that looks queer friendly. I have met so many cool people either playing pool or singing Karaoke. Met some Moroccan dudes at a bar the other day that saw my palestine pins and we all joined arms over shoulders dancing around chanting "free free Palestine" and it was the funnest night in a very long time. I'll probably never meet them again but it was a beautiful moment. I also met a comrade from Colombia at the same Karaoke night and we hung out every night for like a whole week and I promised to help him practice more informal english.
And I don't know if you're interested in bar scenes but there are some very wholesome ones depending where you are.
I unironically and sincerely envy your life. Seems incredible.
Idk what a queer friendly bar is here, I have never been in a bar. There is a queer bar here but it is run by a xenophobe.
To be real talking to people irl will fast result in dropped spaghetti from me
Yeah just gotta learn some good spots and then excuse yourself from any conversation that gives you bad vibes, I also have suffered from severely crippling social anxiety for most of my life due to being bullied a lot as a kid/teen but with some long time spent learning to just dive in and keep my guard up I have learned a lot about how to sus out good people to hang out with. I even crashed some random college party on my way home one night cuz I heard their music blasting and was like hey what's going on over here? over the fence. After I explained that I was just a neighbor and wasn't being crochety about their loud music, I just wasn't ready to call it a night yet, they invited me in and fed me fried rice and grilled chicken.
Now granted I still suffer from severe depression, but going out and taking risks like that has helped me a lot, not just in distracting me from hellworld but reminding myself that they may not be the norm but you'd be surprised how many cool folks are out there. I've even met a lot of boomer comrades just by striking up conversations and listening to older folks.
Also gives me lots of opportunities to evangelize about the immortal science of Marxist Leninism.
It seems to hurt anywhere from a little bit to extremely severely every time I try to do anything though. If I can't even pretend to be a real person online, what's gonna happen irl? Also parties, ech.
Your life sounds awesome though, god I wish that were me
“I go to parties”
“Parties, ech… (…) your life sounds awesome!”
I… if you think their “life” sounds awesome, what part? If parties are “ech”?
No diss or anything, I think staying in and shitposting on the internet is super cool, I do it myself 90% of my free time.
Just… confused about what you like/find awesome in the commenters “life”.
Look right, listen here:
Inside me there are two wolves
"House parties are such horrible college bullshit, fucking loud, sensory overload ass"
"God I wish that were me, witness Nakoichi's utter social freedom and abikity to vibe with people, what a hero tbh"Any more goofy questions?
I mean if you want to give parties a try, don’t go to shitty house parties… go to a good electronic music party with good DJs where the people go for the music.
Always the nicest people, most respectful crowds, real “tribal ceremony” vibes. Wear earplugs, comfy sneakers and clothes etc.
I hate feeling overstimulated as well, and I’m practically anti-social, but going to a good party feels like a spiritual experience tbh. Might be the drugs tho. They do help.
This assumes you'd be treated with basic respect, which over time I have not. I have had people actively ignore me in person to the point of me sitting on my own in a crowd being actively ignored by several people etc.
Literally the meme where the person at the party is on their own in the corner is what I've been personally treated like when I have been in that kind of situation.. Along with using various means of softening the experience (drugs/alcohol) and it's never a good idea.. I've also been around some of the most toxic people and a far more hostile environment that many here would be accustomed to. But I've had that experience of putting myself out there but a lot of the time it's never worth it and I've regretted a lot personally..That’s very true… and I can see how if you don’t have people to introduce you to the right parties and clubs it can be hard to find them. But there are so many people who just love the music, and want to share that with others, and just groove and feel good together.
You just gotta find the right crowd, the people who are there for the love of music. Not the ones who are there (just) to be cool, to gain status points etc.
But there are many many places and parties that are good and people really do it for the love of the music and the culture. It might depend a lot on the city, thinking better, but yeah…
I grew up in Ireland and I've always looked queer, so it made me a target.. a lot of places you'd have to constantly be on your guard for instance and I've seen people get glassed because someone turned nasty on drink/drugs.. so it's hard to feel comfortable even now years later.
I get that… I think I was lucky that my hometown had a bunch of alternative parties and clubs, that had drag parties, hyperpop parties etc. besides also being one of the hotspots of electronic music in my country. It was easy to find a party where people were respectful and welcoming.
I AM realizing more and more that many cities are just shit when it comes to nightlife…
See the vibe I'm getting from a bunch of different places is that I should take loads of fucking drugs. Laura Kate Dale even said MDMA makes you more sociable and open! (At the potential cost of addiction lmao)
I'm not even sure I could internally manage a crowd that big though. It sounds like a fun experience, but Idk if it would actually be.
It can be a smaller more lowkey vibe, doesn’t need to be a crowd. And no reason to do loads of drugs hahahaha moderation is always good. I don’t like getting fucked up, and I hate crowds. My favorite parties have been the ones with less people and everyone is just really loving the music. And a lil bit of md in some water goes a long way. Also, md is one of if not the least addictive stimulant. It’s complicated why but it’s like scientific. but ofc, never do anything without doing research/testing etc.
I’d advise to check on resident advisor, listen to the sets of the djs in the smaller parties, and just try one out that sounds good if you’re willing to. The easiest icebreaker then is just asking people if they like x dj, and talk about how awesome the music is lol
Also, I was very much a hermit growing up, with like one or two friends and all we did was stay inside playing d&d or smth. I hated and judged the idea of parties so hard.
But the first time I went to one, it was an electronic music party and I did x for the first time (long story that involves a breakup). I had this realisation that what people get out of parties and experiences like that is the same thing people used to get out of late night cerimonies around the fire, or the incense filled gothic cathedrals of the Middle Ages, the weed-sauna huts of the PIE. It’s a very hypnotic experience, that really shifts your perspective from “in” to “all”. It’s very communal, and people are united in purpose, in an immaterial purpose. Idk, I think it’s at least worth it giving it a shot. It’s a very powerful energy to hear a sick ass transition and everybody around it vibrates hard at the same time, getting hyped and just sweating it out, getting all in the same rhythm. “
It seems to hurt anywhere from a little bit to extremely severely every time I try to do anything though.
That's rough and I can relate, and obviously if you're more comfortable just hanging out and shitposting with the little gay people in your phone that's totally valid, but it might be worth a shot. Of course if you have a car or anything resembling decent public transit it certainly widens your options.
There is a paradox. If you can't socialize well you can learn to enjoy doing it poorly. I was briefly part of a bdsm wearwolf club. No one there was capable of regular human interaction and we all gave eachother the space to enjoy that. It was nice until us all being antisocial nerds caused drama. So maybe that was too off the grid but there is probably a weird place where we could all fit in the world. You know, exaggerations of capitalism permitting.
tfw no bdsm werewolf club full of socially inept dorksI would like a place like that but Idk where you would get one, or how to enjoy sucking at talking.
It is weird but I feel like I had had the most luck of late finding weird nerds to do nerd stuff with on fetlife. Not for everyone, and actually not as great for dating. Howver they are people that are 1. Used to going to events 2. Nerdy and weird. So in terms of finding a social group it is hard to get both in other places. Like 90% of everyone there woudl be down to play board games if you asked. Failing that the furry community probably has a something close enough you can check out. They are usually good nerds to visit. Then larp groups. Then finally board game shops / hobby shops. Doping on how populous your area is you can have more or less luck. In some places there are juggalos which we have come to learn are officially comrades in good standing.
I am married =) I can confirm that I have met very cool kink people fwiw so you're probably right
Also yeah Idk if furries are around here tbh. What if I just hang out in c/furry a lot, huh??
That is chill. Doesn't work towards the goal getting out and doing the real work of building connections though.
Maybe kinky people are easier to organize because a secton of them are very good at following orders
I feel you. I wonder to what degree posting here is just a bandaid for the fact that ive found out that my friends are almost reactionary without exception.
you are one of the bright posters who help balance out the sometimes painful lemmyverse. sorry to hear the alienation under capitalism is getting to be an acute problem. and that this den of libs is your best option right now. hope you stumble into some more social spaces that make you feel not just tolerated but appreciated.
You don't mean that, you're too nice. I love the libs here.
Tagline machine is fucking possessed and provides appropriate material:
Do not, my friends, become addicted to posting. It will take hold of you, and you will resent logging off!
HUHUHUH, ITS JUST THAT EASY HUH
I have Hexbear and some discord servers too. I dont move on from them easily like you but my friendships are entirly online. My irl freinds werent all garbage (though I will note, I am ok with being friends with a lib who's not too obnoxious about it) but they either lapsed, or yeah they were garbage and I had to dfistance, but also there was my one big irl friend I had left that cut me off for some petty bullshit and yeah Im without real life connections entirly now.
The problem I keep having is that some form of trouble or drama sometimes follows me, (like when I got banned from one server for saying the thing) but more often than not my spaghetti just falls out of my pockets n I run away in shame =) Idrk the political views of the people I used to be friends with, (liberals probably but not offensively so) lost em before that could be a problem
form of trouble or drama sometimes
Do you have a lot of childhood trauma/a background with abuse? That shit can rewire our brains to seek that shit out because we are literaly more comfortable with conflict than with peace.
Maybe, Idk. Depends on what you qualify as trauma or abuse, I wouldn't say so myself.
More often what happens is people see something I have said, decided I am malicious and take the absolute least charitable read humanly possible, deciding that's what I said and I am a wrecker. Better than 50% chance they have decided I am evil when I'm having a horrific anxiety attack mental breakdown. Double bonus points if they decided that I am a transphobe, or ableist, for something I have said about my experience of being autistic ir trans.
When I got banned from that one server, I absolutely knew I was gonna, that's whatever. More often than not it's "That sounds hostile" "I am not being hostile" "You are being hostile and a wrecker and a criminal and an agent provocateur and I hate you forever begone from my sight" which is epic.
By "that one server" do you mean the /r/cth spinoff server that exists because I had similar experiences there of people taking uncharitable interpreations of my statements and ignoring that Im autistic.
Comforting to know that I'm not alone in that one lol I felt very isolated by that experience.
Nah you're among people with similar experience. I've had people fabricate a ton of stuff out of nothing. I've been driven out of places and have people start on me because they misread what I'd said and such. There are countless ableist people online and IRL who will jump through many internalized hoops to demonize you just because of how you speak or for bringing up a topic that they do not like.. Which has the added effect of them disliking you because of this head canon fabricated version. I would rather people tell me if I've upset them but I've found many will harbour hatred and bitterness which simmers then eventually will boil over, often them starting drama and such. This has happened more than a handful of times out of the blue for me as in I had no idea of this or they imagined I had bad feelings or such.. I'm autistic, I'm very straight forward and what you see is what you get.. Many people don't understand this.
Absolutely not, instead the server was a sapphic book club and I got banned for prodding a french canadian for being french canadian :^)
I have learned that anything outside of hexbear is a mistake to engage in. Sorry the unofficial cth server has been shitty to you.
i think you should remain friends with people who don't share your esoteric political views
Yes, and I haven't let saying another kkkracka down ruin friendships yet, mine all got rekt other ways long before that was possible!
I browsed reddit until the api stuff, then I stopped.
I had all this wonderful free time I wasted until I found Lemmy and its various instances.
Now I waste time browsing lemmy
I'm in my 40s, I have zero friends and haven't had any for over 30 years. Acquaintances come and go but no long lasting friendships. It usually ends up a disaster any time I have put myself out there to have people outright ignore or avoid me so I stopped and don't plan or try anymore. I have social anxiety enough it can affect me online in that I go months lurking and talking to nobody. I sit and read conversations to sate any kind of interaction. I doubt anything can change at this point and I've lost all will to anymore.
Waow that's so relatable, it's almost like we're married or something 
Acquaintances do be coming and going, I've passed through like nine or ten different social circles in seven or eight years...
could have written this post myself, every word of this is true for me, too
I occasionally try to hang out with my cool neighbors, but it doesn't work out often, and I still end up with post-hang anxiety
been kinda wondering if maybe there's an OCD component to my thought processes that's getting in the way here, but idk where to even begin to try to deal with that and just don't have the fucks for it currently
anyway - ✨ solitude solidarity ✨ - you've got us, we've got you ❤️
Gang
Dang I wish I had cool neighbours, my condolences that hanging out doesn't work though...
OCD, you think so? Hmm...Solitude solidarity, ty, I love bearsite
re: OCD, some podcaster or YouTuber I was listening to who is diagnosed mentioned that theirs primarily presents as social obsession, and described many things I strongly related to (including having "hangxiety" for days after every social function, not just drunken ones), so I did some searching and read some firsthand stuff on Reddit, and yeah.
I wonder if this is another situation where I am doing something and I think everybody else does this too and just handles it better. Like, I know over-analyzing and extended processing are both autistic traits, but I am beginning to wonder if maybe mine is cranked up to 11 and everyone else is cruising around 5-7.
The hangxiety thing was just one part of it, there were other obsessive thought patterns I related to, physical symptoms I share, and some checking behaviors that I'm also doing. It was a lot to unpack, but I don't have time for that right now, so I stuffed that box in the corner. 😂
I would NEVER socially obsess or over-analyse for extended periods, I would NEVER sit staring at individual messages or thinking about single sentences for... hours, days... 
honestly this place is good to rehabilitate yourself after periods of isolation but you gotta go out there and eat dog shit sometimes. it's part of learning to be more social. real life challenges us in ways that this place can't and that's a good thing
I can't even reliably talk good on bear website =) irl people are 100× scarier and my pocket spaghetti is slippery
