WE BEAT THE NEWS MEGA
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Oh. Oh this is going to fuck me up big time. Let's fucking go this'll be fun
Chapter 2
Fuck I felt all of these. I haven't felt half of these feelings in years but reading them each just felt like a punch in the gut when I remembered. Especially the first and last, although I felt both of those still less than a year ago.
Yeah definitely noticing, very rad.
Chapter 3 (CW: Suicide)
That sudden shift of Maria's thoughts towards something suicide-adjacent to avoid thinking about something she doesn't want to think about is... Very close to home. I've definitely done it, but the particular example here also just reminds me of the ideations I used to consistently have during classes when I started thinking a little too much about myself. I'll spare you the details.
Um Maria, have you met book snobs? They love that shit. Or at least the theatre-adjacent ones do. Also she just like me frfr.
I don't know if I really relate to her emotionlessness and masking, but that's because I think getting on estrogen has mostly helped my old depression symptoms so I can't really relate to them still being there like hers are.
Maybe also just me being more neurotypical than she is meant to be. I can still relate to them to an extent but now that its been a few months the feelings almost feel a little alien to me. Odd.Actually wait I just realised this is just a more deadpan version of the thing I do when arguing sometimes where I switch into humour to cope instead of actually engaging with the situation. Somehow never thought of it that way but it makes sense.spoiler
SHE JUS LIKE ME FR FR, Maria is def not a theatre kid though lmao.
Haha look at that, you got got!! A neurodiverse read of Nevada is pretty interesting though, many layers at play.
Her bike messenger shit makes me think that Maria Griffiths is transfem Ramona Flowers also. No I will not be taking questions.
Chapter 7
Oh she absolutely is, I was already mentally imagining her with the same hairstyle, albeit not dyed
God the play-argument between Kieran and Maria about Joyce and Acker is so literature student-y. Literally shit I'd argue about before class lmao.
I quite like this passage, while I'm probably closer to the fuck yeah! point than not nowadays, it does touch on why it took me so long to get there and I like that. I don't really have much to add honestly, I just like it.
I know you discussed this one a few days ago but I didn't say my piece on it since I hadn't read the book. I feel like the analogy is definitely half baked but there is that certain sense of 'Yeah!' when initially reading it. But I think in the context of modern philosophical theories of mind and metaphysics, even mental-oriented ones, it's just overly basic and doesn't consider the further implications of what it's saying since it's more oriented around being quippy and easy to remember. In other words it's perfect characterisation for Maria! She's not me, with my weirdo philosopher brain, she's a tired, emotionally dead woman who can't even finish a damn zine. She cares more about the immediate vibe that something seems right to her rather than actually developing a rigourous understanding. And that's a great character to read! I love it.
spoiler
Her hair is actually like down her back and blood red, which is funny. My internal Maria has Ramona's short black cut.
Is that what lit students do? Scary ass...
I think maybe a lot more transfemmes are closer to the Fuck Yeah! Zone nowadays, I moved from Sad Nerd town to here tbh. It's one of the cooler and funnier passages.
YES OH MY FUCKING GOD, okay roll with me right, "Maria is kind of a dishit and Imogen Binnie knows this" has been my new working theory for why this quote kinda sucks. She's just like that. Bitch just read Gender Outlaw wrong. And she IS such a good character to read!!!! She sucks and I love her, she's so good fjjgjfhfjfbd
There is a reason this book sunk its dumbass talons into me and became my entire personality :>
Nooooo the reply I was drafting and adding to for like 8 chapters got deleted. Gonna just rewrite the important emotional bit and skip the rest of the funny replies
Chapter 15
We love our dipshits don't we folks?
Okay for the actual serious emotional bit. It's weird to think about Maria's transition ages compared to mine. We've known we're trans for about the same amount of time at 4 years, but she's been on hormones for seemingly that whole time whereas I only got on them less than a year ago. And yet I feel like I've matured out of being like her. I certainly used to be quite similar, but I've kinda moved past it I think. But despite that she's still ahead of me in the other way, the big hormones-y way. And that's so weird. And it's extra weird that there are just, people out there, even in this megathread, who are also like that. That there are trans people who didn't experience repressing for 3 years before getting the chance to take HRT, before getting the chance to wear any euphoric clothing. And then thinking about that it feels like there's a disconnect between myself and other people because of it? But I'm able to empathise and relate to people despite that disconnect in experience. But now I'm realising I don't think I know anyone older than me who went through this same sort of transition experience. The two elders I knew before Hexbear were either a rich kid who transitioned very young since she was also intersex, or a puppygirl who I think is still repressing to this day and didn't ever really act like an elder. And here I can't think of anyone who has had similar circumstances to me that isn't younger in their transition. Or maybe I'm too focused on my particularities to really see how other people have gone through similar-but-different experiences here. Idk. I don't really have a particular point here just this book is making me think about that disconnect in a way I haven't before.
The other serious bit. Maria talks about how she needs to do stuff with her hands to focus, is that a neurodiverse thing? I always thought it was but I just realised reading that that I'm not actually sure. It's one of the things that made me start to suspect I'm on the spectrum last year though since I do that exact shit, it's half the reason I don't watch movies much cuz I can't focus without some active physical component to the thing I'm doing.
Clearly Maria needs a Hexbear Trans Megathread in her life.
More seriously I can sometimes feel that last bit about big sistering being exhausting, but I love to do it anyways. It makes me feel more like me when I try to be a compassionate inspirational figure. I know I'm not really, since I'm actually really mean and awful, but it feels like who I want to be, who I should be. And it makes me happy to push myself to be that, even if I suck at it.
/thread
Of course she fucking hates Serano posters. She is exactly that sort of person
spoiler
I felt this hard, my timeline is very similar to yours it sounds like. Though, when i started reading the book I was trying to reach for any sign or confirmation that, yes bitch you're trans.
And then I repressed for 4 more years.
I reread it again earlier this year like 3 months into hormones and there's still a part of me that just can't grasp moving as fast as she did.
spoiler
Yeah I feel that any quicker transition than mine is just a totally alien experience to me. I can understand it in the abstract but I can't really imagine how it would feel. I guess looking at Estradoll, it's not too dissimilar to what starting hormones was like for me, but just sooner and skipping most of the repressed feelings. But those repressions inform so much of why I enjoy being on hormones now so surely there must be some other difference. I can feel that it's there but I also just don't know what it is.
Nooooo Orange Book did not go hard enough
Maria does mention that at 20 she figured out that she was messed up cause being trans is traumatic in our society, so I think she took a long time actually. I've seen users here who speedran everything right up to bottom surgery in under two years though 
spoiler
In fairness I was more running from having to confront changes in my life as a result of being trans, not from transness itself
Once I moved out and also reached an ultimatum in my relationship I stopped repressing because it was do or die.
Anyway I'm much better now, being trans is pretty goddamn rad and I wish (in a healthy way now) I started earlier.
Noooooo huge rip
You read way faster than me, I guess I've been doing laundry and such lol
lfg
I do love my dipshits, I'm not even sorry honestly.
Yeah it's like that, development for trans people really varies. Maria is so stuck in her bullshit that she's basically the same person she was at age 20. Also the narration does say she knew she was trans at age 20, so she prolly spent a long time not being out, I think. The non-represser is me, and the older person who went through repression is my wife =) I love that it's making you think like that, (also I hate rich kids such as the one you mention) but I'm certain there're people here with experiences very similar to yours, more than just my wife. I was surprised to hear from khizuo that ze is in similar circumstances to me at age 17, which is still nuts to me but super cool.
To be real, reading Maria has having autism or more likely ADHD has textual support. Look at her scarfing adderall. Yeah the hands thing is kind of ND generally. Binnie herself is not ND that I know of, but Nevada reads like someone who is audhd or something and doesn't know it, actually.
That first passage you quote fucks hard, I love it. Imogen Binnie go on chapo tbh, I'd die to see that.
Yea,
shooting for what you want to be is a good goal tbh. I feel half duty-bound and half passionately invested in being an elder figure for the dorky babytrans. I'm bad at it too, but I want to help, I mostly like doing it. There was never a decade-long transitioner on /tttt/ or in the discords when I was a damn kid... only, like Torrey Peters says, a bunch of young trans women who, like baby elephants who lose their parents, lash out violently at eachother and behave antisocially. And that shit sucks, fuck that. I want to be part of an alternative to that kind of space.
Yeah that is this entire mega, lmao... and tbh I've also had people throwing Whipping Girl at me, claiming I'm a transmisogynist or whatever, so while Maria is a dork that's almost relatable. lel
Got to chapter 20, think I'm gonna pause there but I don't have any particular comments for the past 5. Thank you for posting about the book it is good, knowing me I'll probably finish it by Friday.
Also I do just read quite quickly, my usual pace is like 50-60 pages an hour but I'm a bit slower with this one on account of all the typing
Sadposting
Yeah I'm sure there are other people that had to repress for a long time but... Idk. I think I am just hung up on the particulars a bit. Like I don't know anyone else who got outright kicked out specifically for being trans. I know there are plenty that exist since it's a stereotype for a reason, but I don't know any one person who went through that who would be able to tell me that hey, it gets easier at some point, just keep going ahead and it'll be okay. Fuck, I'm making myself cry.
Yeah okay, that makes sense. Good to know.
Trying to be an alternate to that kind of space is good. While I wasn't on /tttt/ so much of trans reddit is babytrans dominated that I think I understand what you mean about not really having such people when you were starting out. Frankly the two elders I mentioned basically did fuck all, the rich one tried to help me but she was /tttt/ rotted to the core and even back then I knew that was a bad thing.
FUCKIN AWESOME HAPPY TO HELP
convincing somebody to read Orange Book is one of the highlights of my posting so far. Also damn is that ever fast.
big sad
It's weirdly not that common online, I got kicked out by my mother's husband for being trans though. I guess maybe not explicitly, but he always hated his wife's weird queer, never once came close to respecting me. Couchsurfing sucks, and getting kicked out for being trans after repressing so long sucks worse.
It actually does get better though, I promise
Yeah, that's... yeeeesh. It might be presumtuous to elect myself elder I guess, but I want the beloved babytrans here to have anybody to look to, other than like Idk, some brainrotted rich kid. Obviously we don't have that here and I'm far from the only long-transitioner, but yknow. All the incredibly nice stuff you and everyone else said when I was whining the other day firmed up my resolve about this, if I can be any sort of a positive example or voice of reason or whatever for nerds who are just starting out, I fucking have to. I needed me as I am now when I was 15. At least you knew being brainrotted was bad back then lol, I was kind of innoculated by reading Nevada but I hated myself a lot for a long time...
Thank you
Ash, certified wifedyke
Over 20 years for me
That must've sucked, I'm sorry.
I guess there are also just more people here who've had to that I just, didn't notice due to being self-centred.
Nah you're fine most people don't really talk about it
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