So I went into this book knowing that it was a book that was more geared towards a transfemme audience (which I was totally down for, no problems from me on that.) Thus I guess I didn't expected to go "she's just like me fr fr" with Maria. I also went into this book knowing how much we talk about it here (though I avoided all the spoilers, so yay me) and I wasn't sure if I had much to add to the conversation. I'm still not sure, I don't think I'll be saying anything novel. But here I go, here's some of the stuff that I thought about and that we discussed in class today.

... I must concede, Maria is indeed like me frfr. I mean not literally, there are a lot of differences in our lives, and I know that I am within the demographic of vaguely transmasc-ish nonbinary that she's (understandably due to transmisogyny) critical of. But the way her dysphoria/dissociation is described, the way it affects the people around her, the way she moves into the world like she's constantly running away from it — that hit way too close to home. There was a part in the book where she mentions both Fugazi and the Bouncing Souls both within two chapters, and I felt directly called out because I listen to those bands — it was like Imogen Binnie reached right into my playlists to pluck that directly from behind my eyes.

I think I brought up two points in class that became small topics of discussion, so I'll put them here.

1. Maria and the concept of finding personal authenticity alone vs. in a relationship. Maria talks about how she's never been single since she came out as trans, how "she's only been a woman in the context of relationships" (60-61). And yet within those relationships, she is completely isolated from her partner, retreated into her own world, and definitely not communicating. When Steph breaks up with her, she is elated to be single. Someone else in the class brought up that this is a huge contrast to Piranha, who is single, generally hates going out, and yet has no problems communicating her boundaries to Maria. There's this push and pull in the novel's first half of what kind of person Maria is, within vs outside of relationships; and whether or not her being single is going to help her find herself and learn to deal with the bullshit that comes with being trans. Or if her little adventure in Steph's car is going to just turn out to be yet another sojourn of self-discovery that ends up leading nowhere, as Steph thinks it will be.

Honestly, reading the way Maria and Steph's relationship was described felt like I was getting punched in the face, because it precisely reflected my relationship with my ex-girlfriend. I entered a relationship around the same time I came out as nonbinary, and we dated* (*we were not specifically romantically together the entire time) for over two years before she broke up with me. I was trans and she was cis, I had horrible mental health and dissociated heavily to deal with it, and after a while she was left with a partner who was quiet and uncommunicative and, after a while, didn't seem to be all that into the relationship. I am happy that she broke up with me and I hope she's doing better now. Idk, personal anecdote I guess; that part of the book hit hard for me.

2. What it means to be real, to be present, to be "authentic" in the context of being some sort of punk rocker. As someone who is myself into punk rock, goth, general subculture music shit — I know that this appearance of punk rock as the most "authentic" kind of music is as constructed as anything else. I mean, it's absolutely a place where people find community and self-expression, but that's not limited to punk rock. And Maria knows this too — as I was talking about this, my professor pulled out a quote:

"It's a problem: you grow up reading about punk and grunge and earnest dude rock in all the magazines and internalizing the idea that artifice is totally bullshit, man, and we wear these clothes because they're comfortable, not for any kind of fashion statement, and we're just trying to communicate, not be cool, and then you transition and realize, oh shit, there's going to have to be some intentionality in the way I present my body and my actions... Like, it would be nice to believe that you could just exist, just be some true, honest, essential self. But you only really get to have a true honest essential self if you're white, male, het, and able-bodied. Otherwise your body has all these connotations and you don't get the benefit of the doubt." (133-134)

Maria discusses the way many people put on punk rock personas to project an image of being real and authentic, especially privileged white kids. The base of capitalism, and the superstructures of white supremacy, ableism, patriarchy, cissexism, anti-fatness, etc. — what does it mean to be your real authentic self under that? Is it even possible? Is punk rock just a coping mechanism for all of it, a pretense of authenticity to deal with the fact that it's impossible to self-actualize as a person under capitalism? I wonder what Marx would think of punk rock, lol.

It's funny — I've always personally thought of my punk rock self as a persona that I put on and take off. As much as I'd like to pretend it is, punk and goth music does not make up all of my listening; maybe about half of it. I love the music, and I love the fashion (and subculture is very much about fashion, despite what gatekeepers will try to say), but it's also an aspect of me that I project outwardly in order to occupy a specific space. Add onto the fact that I am trans, that I am Chinese, that I am COVID-conscious (which means I can't participate in these scenes physically), and I know the fact that I am not afforded the same image of "authenticity" that white, het, able-bodied men in the scene are. There is a part of these scenes that will forever see me as a poser, because how dare I occupy the same space as them, when they're white men who are just "in it for the music", and I'm a queer person of color who enjoys fashion? They literally gatekeep the image of authenticity, because despite wanting to present themselves as being opposed to the superstructure under capitalism, in many ways they fit neatly into it.* And the US literally blasted punk rock over the iron curtain, to try to bring down socialism.

*Side note: individual local scenes are very different, and there are many punk and alternative music scenes which are made up of primarily POC and/or queer people. As previously noted, I can't physically participate in these scenes because the lack of COVID safety in them literally gatekeeps me out of it; but scenes made up of POC are probably different in some ways from scenes made up of mostly white people. And there is a lot of genuine anti-capitalism in punk. It's all very scene-dependent, but I guess I'm mostly trying to make a point that the image of punk as the most "authentic" form of music is just constructed.

Uh idk if this made any sense. Anyways. Orange book is fun.