Folks, this is it.
After more than six months on Wellbutrin, being the unfocused mess I've always been, and being treated like a criminal and/or child by the most condescending, inconsiderate psychiatrist I've ever had the displeasure of seeing, I decided to say fuck it and find another professional.
For six months, I've been made to wait by my health insurance provider for an ADHD test that never came. I'm on a mysterious waiting list that moves forward at a pace that is known only to the Nether Gods and in all likelihood I'll never get to do this test anyways. All of this because apparently a psychiatrist does not have the authority to say "hey, I think you have ADHD, let's try a first-line treatment and see if it works for you." Silly me, thinking a psychiatrist would be able to diagnose a psychiatric disorder.
Well, my new psychiatrist decided to try a new approach: I've been on Lithium before, because a GP thought I might be bipolar. It didn't work, because... I'm not bipolar. So let's try ADHD medicine and if it works, then, well... in all likelihood, I truly do have ADHD.
Folks, it seems I do have ADHD. Vyvanse (actually Lisvenx, same medication, different name) works a treat. A goddamn treat, I say.
Yesterday felt like the first day of the rest of my life. Cheesy cliché, I know, but holy fucking shit it feels like an entirely new world has been opened to me. I taught five lessons without feeling like I was going to fall asleep for even a single moment. My mind is focused, and my internal monologue is only one audio track instead of four.
I have energy, I don't feel my eyes trying to shut on their own. I can simply get up and fucking do things. Easy things are easy to do. Difficult things are difficult to do for the correct reasons. I defeated the Fromsoft ADHD field boss: I folded all my laundry and put it away.
How did I spend more than 30 years of my life not feeling like this? How many opportunities did I lose, how many things did I abandon because I felt like I wasn't capable of doing them, not because of my lack of competence, but rather because there was an invisible wall of inability between me and even the simplest task? I now realize how much of a fucking legit disability ADHD is.
This is only my second day on this medication so I'm afraid that things might not always be like this from now on. I'm afraid that this effect may only be an initial honeymoon phase and I'll eventually go back to how I was before. If that ever does happen, though, I'll know that that disorganized mess of a human being is not all that I can be.
I can be better. There is hope.
This has been a life-changing experience for sure, and I hope that every single person who needs ADHD medication does get the opportunity to at least try it once, if only to realize that a better life is, in fact, possible.
I'm on a mysterious waiting list that moves forward at a pace that is known only to the Nether Gods and in all likelihood I'll never get to do this test anyways.
I have found the mechanism for the expansion of the universe, and it's insurance companies stretching space-time to dodge a payout.
Hell yeah. *vanse / Lisdexamphetmine / LDX was also my ADHD awakening. Congratulations on the laundry, it is truly a menace to society and the disordered mind.
How did I spend more than 30 years of my life not feeling like this? How many opportunities did I lose, how many things did I abandon because I felt like I wasn't capable of doing them, not because of my lack of competence, but rather because there was an invisible wall of inability between me and even the simplest task? I now realize how much of a fucking legit disability ADHD is.
It is a deeply sad revelation, that frequently stirs enormous regret and anger deep in me. The only real consolation is, that you could have gone another year, another decade or the rest of your life without knowing. But now you know and you must look ahead.I'm afraid that this effect may only be an initial honeymoon phase and I'll eventually go back to how I was before.
There is an initial honeymoon phase, but that can last quite a few weeks, depending on how you are responding and how you adjust your dosage. There are also some annoying side effects that most people experience and there will be other challenges to overcome. But don't worry about it. If you respond to it well, the stuff likely keeps working. It's just not gonna be revelatory "the first day of the rest of my life" but a more balanced "this is day 258 of the rest of my life, but i like this life much much better". So enjoy the ride and then get to work.
I can be better. There is hope.
So glad you were able to find what works for you. That feeling of experiencing what normal is supposed to be for the first time is indescribable.
I've gotten pretty close but I just can't deal with the profoundly disrespectful behavior of literally every psychiatrist I've ever met, so I just gave up.
There is no hope.
That's so infuriating. I've seen this attitude from doctors to my wife to dismiss her actual physical pain when she told them she had CPTSD. I have no clue why, but it's a thing and if it's not the CPTSD that gets blamed it's her being fat.
CW for misogyny and ableism
Worse even she used to tell them (truthfully) that she doesn't experience pain as strongly as others so if somethings painful for her its agonizing for others, so I think she got put in the "dramatizes" category. One doctor did some weird stuff on her neck to "unblock" a passage to her ear then sent us home because she had tremendous ear pain in the middle of the night. Like yeah dude we came here at 11:30pm with some mild ear pain because this is how we enjoy spending our friday nights. I didn't want to talk for her but I should have. We had to turn around on our way home to go to the emergency room it got so bad and turns out she had pretty bad ear infection. Her eardrum was close to rupturing. I could see that fuckers facial expressions relax when she told him she had CPTSD too, like "oh yeah right, makes sense now".
So I went with her to a lot appointments to back her up. Sometimes simply a man being there already made them take it more seriously. I'm very very glad we found an array of doctors who take her seriously on her own and don't need me to glare at them in order to actually do something, but it helped when needed. It only took one, her gynie I think, she knew what was happening there and recommended some other doctors for other things, who in turn could recommend others and there's like a network of "good" doctors who legit seek each other out so that they can help more effectively together. I'm hoping you find such a doctor who can ask around their network.
🧡
It sucks, comrade. I was lucky enough to find one that actually listens to me, and I hope you find one soon.
CW: ridiculous ableism
On that note, I have a friend who told me about a friend of hers who had the test results and a written statement by a professional saying that she is autistic. She had to change providers and talked to a new "mental health professional" who told her "you're not autistic and I don't care about this statement. I can just as easily write another statement saying that you're not autistic, so what?"
I've always had an axe to grind with psychiatrists. This has literally been the first time I've been listened to. I may or may not have cried a little when the doctor took out his prescription pad and said he would prescribe the meds I need.
I once got a psychiatrist who assumed everything the extremely literal autistic girl said was metaphor and completely made up my patient history. Like a fucking dick wolf script. Now I have to explain to every doctor I see who reads the chart that, no, none of that is true, that dude literally just made up everything he wrote. No I don't want to talk about it, that was a decade ago, shit that didn't happen, and I have real problems I'd like to deal with. No this isn't trauma from the-no I'm just sick of repeating myself, and have real trauma from things that actually happe- No I'm not seeking drugs, I've never done meth; I don't even like stimulants! Another just called to have me locked up because I looked sad. The police came to my house, and I lived in a slum so that could have gone very very badly for more than just me. Probably would have if my other roommate had answered. Oh and once an inpatient one drugged andremovedd me. Might've been lower staff, but the psychiatrist is the one who decided to keep me there, and other patients noticed, so I think its safe to assume I wasn't the first and staff knew.
There is so much risk to talking to one of those slimy pieces of shit, everything they say is lies, and even if youre the most obvious case in the world they can just decide not to help you. They're a fucking blight and I support giving every single one of them the fucking wall.
And thats even apart from most psych meds being trash and most of the good shit for common mental illnesses being illegal anyway.
Tried some over the phone shit. They promised me a conclusion for my time, and just said 'okay let's schedule a follow up' in the last three minutes. You just lucked out.
I'm so happy for you!! Just putting a name to my "chronic failure disorder" was such a relief, but taking medication helped a ton.
This is only my second day on this medication so I'm afraid that things might not always be like this from now on.
For me, there certainly was a honeymoon phase but it never ever got even close to what it was before.
There is a small caveat for ritalin (which I take), and moreso for vyvanse (which my psychiatrist suggested as a vegan alternative but I'm not sure about) in that the effect can diminish over time, or you could completely burn your dopamine and need time to cool off so the nerves can reabsorb the dopamine that vyvanse helped push out and prevented from being reabsorbed. Your nerves need dopamine to signal each other and if there is none left, well, that feeling sucks. For me thinking starts to feel like I'm wading through a swamp or like I'm thinking in slow-motion if that makes sense. What I do in this case with my wife is I slowly repeat what she said back to her until I was able to parse it because
a. it helps me remember the sounds until they're parsed
b. It makes sure I understood her correctly
c. It gives me time to react to what she said while communicating to her that I'm "Processing her request and I'll be back shortly".It goes away by relaxing or better yet sleeping as my nerves reabsorb the dopamine and get ready to signal again.
I can be better. There is hope.
There really is folks!! If you feel somethings off, it's not you, something is off.
I wrote this comment with everything a new ADHDer who has just started on stimulants should know quite a while back. At the risk of sounding self-congratulatory, I think it's worth reading.
I don't mean to piss in your cereal but #5 in particular is worth being aware of.
Congrats on getting there. I know what it's like living life on hard-mode. There should be some sort of special achievement award for getting through your 20s with undiagnosed ADHD, because that shit is hard.
seconding this – you'll find me in the replies, wishing I had all that knowledge when I started meds
your knowledge is an incredibly valuable resource for this community ❤️ thank you!
I've barely been posting in this comm recently. I'm worried that people are gonna start thinking I've become neurotypical or something
Thanks for the kind words of support. Edit: Oh shit, I just realised the comment you responded to reads just like some listicle advertisement "You won't BELIEVE #5!!"
Thanks! I had read your comment before, but read it again. I do think that I'm having some initial euphoria as per #5, particularly in the hours shortly after taking the medicine. Part of it might be a physical reaction to the medicine itself, but I'm sure that a considerable fraction of it is simply how happy I am feeling! I take it early in the morning and I think the way I feel later in the afternoon is probably closer to how I hope I'll be feeling long-term, calm and more collected, which is a very good thing indeed.
Your list is very helpful, and I think that the item that now catches my eye the most is #10, because it's exactly what I noticed potentially happening to me. I feel like I'm more focused, but I've already noticed that I'm essentially the same person, which means I do run the risk of spending too much time reading up on 40k lore rather than doing something useful. It is, however, much, much easier for me to redirect my attention now. The medicine gives me a greater ability to focus, sure, but I find that the most relevant part is how it allows me to redirect said focus.
I spent a ton of time reading organization tips and "life hack" type advice that was utterly useless to me before starting my medicine. I'm going to give it another go, because I'm sure they'll work much better for me now.
Maybe I'm just a bit risk-averse but I figure there's no harm in giving you a heads-up that how you're feeling now might only last another couple of days or so before you settle into a new normal. Definitely a better normal but not as euphoric. The worst case scenario from this is that I'm wrong and you're happy because now things make a lot more sense to you, life isn't such a struggle, and you've got some meds that work well to help you out. That sounds like a winning situation.
But if I didn't give you the heads-up you might have crashed out a bit and wondered what went wrong or, worse yet, tried to chase the euphoria by increasing the dose over and over. That can lead to some problems. I'd rather you be a little disappointed in my judgement than to feel disappointed in the meds because they suddenly "stopped" working or to end up on too high a dose.
which means I do run the risk of spending too much time reading up on 40k lore rather than doing something useful
I mean, nobody's ever been on their deathbed lamenting the fact that they spent too much time enjoying their life but I can understand what you mean so don't let me encourage habits in you that don't serve you.
I'm really pleased to hear that you're finding it easier to redirect your focus. That must be such a relief.
It absolutely is! And thanks again for your kind and insightful comments!
Just wanna say I remembered that comment exists and I went back and read it when I first started on Vyvance like a bit over a month ago and it really helped prepare me lol
Another ReadFanon banger :3
That autism thing is so real, I've had my ND friends tell me I "seem autistic" for years but I didn't actually think it was even a possibility until after I started on the meds lol
Just wanna say I remembered that comment exists and I went back and read it when I first started on Vyvance like a bit over a month ago and it really helped prepare me lol
This makes it all worthwhile. I'm always glad when people find my input helpful, it means it was worth me putting words to thoughts.
There's a few tips in there that just aren't widespread enough knowledge and a few can really screw you up if you're unlucky or you aren't aware of them.
Lemme guess - there was at best just two things from that post that they made you aware of when they started you on Vyvanse, right?
It is both agonizing and liberating to finally get the correct meds for this condition.
This is only my second day on this medication so I'm afraid that things might not always be like this from now on. I'm afraid that this effect may only be an initial honeymoon phase and I'll eventually go back to how I was before. If that ever does happen, though, I'll know that that disorganized mess of a human being is not all that I can be.
For me at least the euphoria has worn off but the effects are still potent. I don't have a steady unexplainable feeling of anxiety. I don't NEED caffeine and alcohol to function.
You will not be the same as before, you might have some coping mechanisms that you'll still do, you might develop new ones. It takes a while to adjust.
Dec 10th I have a medication consultation I wish to gain that insight you have, hunter
Am soooo glad you found something that seems to be working for you
In addition to all the other replies I just wanna say, cuz this is something I also worried about when I started, that I've been on Vyvance for a little over a month and I still get the ADHD-helping effects quite strongly lol. It varies ofc depending on how well I've been treating myself, like getting enough sleep and exercise, eating well, etc
I don't feel like that... tingly, mood-lifting, stim-high feeling* as much but I'm still so surprised by how well I can focus on stuff now. The side effects (like me slightly chewing holes in my mouth the first few days wtf lol) were kinda scaring me but they mostly disappeared, especially after I quit caffeine which I had been using excessively for many years (one of the worst drugs imo, you maybe get like 2 hrs of anxious energy out of it on a good day in exchange for never sleeping well). For so many years I had just accepted my brain was just totally cooked forever and I was destined to just be tired and spaced out most of the time. Okay though, tbh, it doesn't always mean I'm focusing on what I should lmao, but I can when/if I need to now (a lot of this energy has ended up going into projects lol). Also I have a control over eating that would have seemed impossible to me 2 months ago, for years I struggled with binge eating but now I can prepare a meal of an appropriate size, eat it, and then just... stop when it's enough, consciously, and I'm already losing weight. Similarly to your experience, it took me a while, years in my case, to get diagnosed and then medicated by finding a doctor who actually listens to me and isn't just mean. I have also been misdiagnosed as bipolar lol, by someone who wasn't even qualified to do it and after I had already been diagnosed with ADHD
Idk, maybe I'm still in this "honeymoon phase" too but it feels... sustained so maybe this rly is just how it is :3
Also that "stimulants can bring out your autism more" thing is real lol. Idk if I'm just noticing it more or if it's actually """"worse"""" now but yeh hehe, I actually like it cuz I've been so out of touch with my feelings and masking behaviors for many years
Also also, I'm sure you're good but pls make sure to stay on top of your needs cuz I have this ability now to just push through things like being hungry or thirsty or tired even when I should take a break and address them. Idk if that's what it's like for "normals" but... yeh. Is good, even if you're working on some task, to just take a break and chill and listen to and address your needs like our comrade @ReadFanon@hexbear.net said or you will crash rly hard lol, as happened to me a few times
*:
cw: drug abuse (by definition I guess)
Obviously I DONUT encourage this and advise great caution and not doing this until you're on the meds for a while and have figured out how they affect you consistently or even ever but.........
I'm pretty sure I could get that feeling back as strongly if I wanted to and made a hedonistic recreation day out of this one day by taking a double dose, then skipping the next couple of days lol
Gotta say though, my desire to use drugs for fun and background-pain-radiation-relief is lower than it's been in a long time since going on Vyvance cuz I feel like the world isn't as(emphasis) completely overwhelming
Hell yeah comrade! I have a similar story. I was diagnosed by a psyc who couldn't have cared less many years ago, was prescribed Ritalin and it never felt like it did anything. So I stopped taking it. I lived like that for another 7 years until I was cracking at the seams. I went back to my GP, asked to get back on medication, and Vyvance was their suggestion.
It really felt like the sky is the limit that first day. Hell that first week. You do eventually come down from that feeling but you can still get shit done. The thing you're left with however are all the bad habits, rituals, routines, and bagade that's a reflection of decades of living with ADHD.
