Drank two nights in a row for the first time in awhile and feel bad about it

Over the last couple months, have been doing a lot better overall, but it never feels like enough and each falter feels worse when I've trying to be committed to being sober

Idk, I'm angry at myself and disappointed and don't know what to do with that

I'm making so much effort to improve myself and it's just like it all feels pathetic and useless sometimes

I feel really lonely and upset with where I am in my life and just wish I had a partner and some close friends and there's just nothing for me other than masochistic exercise and cats

Don't get me wrong, I love both of those, but it still feels really hollow sometimes

Idk

People need other people sometimes and I happen to be a person and unfortunately don't really have anyone

catgirl-cry

  • LocalOaf [they/them, ze/hir]
    ·
    24 hours ago

    stumbling again tonight tbh pain kiryu-pain

    alcoholism relapse specifics

    went to the liquor store after the gym, had kinda a rough day but that shouldn't be an excuse

    my "no spirits" caveat shifted to "hey, 70 proof is less bad than 80, right?"

    got a tasty blueberry vodka, a specific little bottle of a certain brand as a joke because I'm a huge dork and thought it was funny, and an 8 pack of Guinness extra stout

    Idk if I can ever be a teetotaler, but part of me is a real perfectionistic ascetic and is livid at myself

    Another part of me loves and hates how good it feels after struggling my ass off trying to white knuckle sobriety to let my hair down and kick back a few

    I'm not getting shitfaced and intend to go dry after these are finished and want to try making it through 2025 sober, but I'm very conflicted about being angry at myself but also genuinely having a great time rn getting a little drunk

    As always, I blame all my psychological bullshit on my dad lmao

    • MoonElf [she/her, comrade/them]
      ·
      21 hours ago

      Hey you're doing your best and this is what that looks like right now and that's okay. Sometimes self care looks messy from the outside.

      You didn't deserve to be treated poorly by your dad. You didn't deserve to be traumatized by his shitty parenting. You do deserve love and respect as you try to cope with the fallout of his lack of empathy and respect.

      I'm really proud of you for caring about yourself and setting healthy goals. I see you making progress towards those goals even as this burden you carry tries to pull you down. We are all imperfect humans doing the best we can, baby!