Hey this is the second personal/depressing post I make here, I know there are infinitely more appropriate resources, but I really like this community and aside from my actual psychiatrist who I only get to see every two weeks, no one - from the national suicide hotline to my university’s student support - has been able to make me feel the slightest bit better. So I guess I’m resorting to venting in an anonymous platform, don’t even need replies just want the notion that at least someone is hearing me out.

I have Borderline Personality Disorder along with other 8 more specific commorbid mental conditions. Ever since I can remember I have struggled in very much every realm. I experience feelings of emptiness followed by fleeting moments of euphoria that always culminate in the worst imaginable pain. I have been on medication for a few years now and although it helps with my anxiety and motivation, it doesn’t really do anything for this piercing sense of loneliness that at the end of the day I can’t escape.

I feel alone in this world, I have some friends and I have a good relationship with my family but it’s like no one aside from literally just my parents really cares all that much for me (its my fault don’t get me wrong) and even if they did they wouldn’t really relate to me anyway. I have met people who do though, and I fell in love with the two of them.

The latest was the one I felt most strongly for. They are, were my life. We dated for many months, but ultimately he left me too. It was about a week ago when we broke up and I am still in denial. I have been crying all day every day since then. I am in college, away from home, and having mostly online classes so I barely even talk to anyone or leave my dorm. I’m majoring in neuroscience at an Ivy so it’s also not like I can slack off all that much with school work, however I don’t care. I have been doing the bare minimum throughout the entire term, and really don’t even know why I continue too , because in the end my life will always suck and without them in it I couldn’t care less about anything else.

I can’t seem to find any solace, they are the cause of my suffering but also the only ones who I feel could comfort me. In fact I constantly yearn for them, to the point where it’s just unbearable, and goes beyond all past heartbreaks I have had. I feel like they knew me like no one else does and I miss the comfort of interacting with someone who I was aware had just the right perception of me. I keep rethinking phrases of theirs almost catatonically, and nothing seems to be able to take my mind off of the moments we spent together.

I don’t wanna live anymore, this pain is too strong. Even if I do come to meet someone else I know that deep inside there will always be a disturbing idea in the back of my head that that was not the ending I dreamed of for my narrative. I will always be condemned by a life of dwelling on what ifs and living for the fantasy of what could have been.

Fuck that. I’m leaving earlier.