Hey this is the second personal/depressing post I make here, I know there are infinitely more appropriate resources, but I really like this community and aside from my actual psychiatrist who I only get to see every two weeks, no one - from the national suicide hotline to my university’s student support - has been able to make me feel the slightest bit better. So I guess I’m resorting to venting in an anonymous platform, don’t even need replies just want the notion that at least someone is hearing me out.
I have Borderline Personality Disorder along with other 8 more specific commorbid mental conditions. Ever since I can remember I have struggled in very much every realm. I experience feelings of emptiness followed by fleeting moments of euphoria that always culminate in the worst imaginable pain. I have been on medication for a few years now and although it helps with my anxiety and motivation, it doesn’t really do anything for this piercing sense of loneliness that at the end of the day I can’t escape.
I feel alone in this world, I have some friends and I have a good relationship with my family but it’s like no one aside from literally just my parents really cares all that much for me (its my fault don’t get me wrong) and even if they did they wouldn’t really relate to me anyway. I have met people who do though, and I fell in love with the two of them.
The latest was the one I felt most strongly for. They are, were my life. We dated for many months, but ultimately he left me too. It was about a week ago when we broke up and I am still in denial. I have been crying all day every day since then. I am in college, away from home, and having mostly online classes so I barely even talk to anyone or leave my dorm. I’m majoring in neuroscience at an Ivy so it’s also not like I can slack off all that much with school work, however I don’t care. I have been doing the bare minimum throughout the entire term, and really don’t even know why I continue too , because in the end my life will always suck and without them in it I couldn’t care less about anything else.
I can’t seem to find any solace, they are the cause of my suffering but also the only ones who I feel could comfort me. In fact I constantly yearn for them, to the point where it’s just unbearable, and goes beyond all past heartbreaks I have had. I feel like they knew me like no one else does and I miss the comfort of interacting with someone who I was aware had just the right perception of me. I keep rethinking phrases of theirs almost catatonically, and nothing seems to be able to take my mind off of the moments we spent together.
I don’t wanna live anymore, this pain is too strong. Even if I do come to meet someone else I know that deep inside there will always be a disturbing idea in the back of my head that that was not the ending I dreamed of for my narrative. I will always be condemned by a life of dwelling on what ifs and living for the fantasy of what could have been.
Fuck that. I’m leaving earlier.
it doesn’t really do anything for this piercing sense of loneliness that at the end of the day I can’t escape.
When I feel this way, I think about everyone else out there feeling similar, without any knowledge or connection to each other. Points of light, isolated from each other. We’re all alone in this together, and in a sense, that makes me feel less alone.
I've worked in a psych ward, what you are describing is very normal for young adults with BPD. You can get through it. This year has been difficult for people with mental health issues because of the forced social isolation. You've had it especially difficult with your boyfriend leaving you. People with BPD have unstable relationships and it seems like this has been an issue for you for most of your life. Try to remember that none of this is your fault. BPD is a disease, it is not your conscious mind that is pushing people away nor is it that people don't want to care about you, it is BPD doing this. Since you're on this website, you also know that capitalism causes alienation so you would definitely know that the world we live in has a major influence over our mental health. If you can, try to talk to your parents about this. You've done extremely well to get into neuroscience and you can continue to achieve many things in your life. While you are grieving over your breakup, try to be easy on yourself. Go back to basics and take things slowly.
Thank you so much, I am so glad there are people here who have experience with/knowledge of BPD as it is the type of illness that completely distorts the lens through which one sees the world and consequently the situations we experience/put ourselves through. Unstable relationships, emotional intensity, feelings of emptiness, attachment anxiety, pain so much fucking pain, it is all so exhausting honestly. Of course you also brought up an excellent point that is that the system is as much at fault for my mental health issues as is my biology. I’ve lived my whole life under global capitalism, and only a few years ago did I get into politics and realized there were other options out there and that the society that I was born into, devoid of empathy, true human connections, intellectual gratification and of anything that could possibly bring a meaning to one's existence, wasn't all there was. Overall, you are right I am going to take it easy on myself and try my best to overcome this with the resources I have available to me.
I'm really happy to hear you're taking steps to get on your feet again. That alone is enough to show that you are on a good path. Just from your posts here it seems to me that you're bright and switched on and you've got a good understanding of your own situation and illness. All of this means that even though it might not feel like it, you are in a good position to get through this. It won't be easy and things may get difficult at times, but you've got this. Don't be afraid to reach out if you need.
(its my fault don’t get me wrong)
Don't believe that, it's not your fault. I guarantee there's people in your life who care about you
Well, first off, I'm going to need to congratulate you for going for a pHD, you clearly are smart and talented enough to reach that level (and such a field also). But to delve into your words, I'm gonna say it there, boy oh boy do I fucking know that feeling of existential loneliness, the feeling I'll die alone, and that life is utterly meaningless. Dating has spectacularly backfired, and amplified my misanthropy problems, as well as the feeling of worthlessness and inadequacy. The thing that helped was to stop using dating apps, it's not like I'm gonna get laid in these times, and it'll be better for me not to swipe on empty profiles or shallow ones. Finding someone takes time, and in fact, it also holds true for friendships. I feel better alone (even if I'm lonely) than with people who don't really care for me in the end, and while friends don't seem to be the problem here, your breakup obviously is. I'm gonna put it this way, this isn't the worst case scenario comrade. The worst case scenario is the one where he desn't break up, you live 20 years with him, and get kids, and it turns out he stopped loving you 20 years back, making it so half of your life has been a lie. You have an entire life in front of you to find someone worthy of your love, passion and understanding; and while I never managed to get into a relationship because of what I mentioned previously, I know from my instinct that we, as humans, crave this because it gives us meaning in an otherwise meaningless life. Finding someone worth waking up to, finding something worth defending is what gives meaning is the way to live a fulfilling life.
And while I currently don't want to live anymore, I stopped living 10 years ago. And yet, I still have some hope that I will find something to give me purpose, and someone to enjoy life with. The 30s are coming very very fast, and there's no way things don't get "interesting" in general. Staying alive to witness history out of curiosity is also something that prevents me from taking my life, aside from the biological fear of death.
TLDR : you're not alone in this situation, hang in there; I'm fairly certain you'll find someone since you were able to in the past; and you seem attractive enough in the broad meaning of the term. Loneliness is a bitch, but you only need to get lucky once to find your half.
Wow thank you so much for taking the time to type all of that out.
Firstly I’m not a PhD student, I wish, I’m in my first year of college lol.
You’ve honestly perfectly described how I feel, I’m very sorry to hear you relate to it. I often think that the only things that seem to make life seemingly worth living are essentially finding a sense of personal identity, which includes molding your values, beliefs, interests and acquiring all the knowledge that goes along with that, and subsequently sharing who you’ve created for yourself with others. And thus far I have had a hard time with the second one. But you’re right we can’t give up, it is important to be aware of the hopeful undertone to life, and to find comfort in the idea that somehow some way something out there wants things to work out for the best. If they left it was because it wasnt worth it.
It’s hard comrade, but we’ll get through this. I am in pain, but it won’t last forever as you said, congratulations on learning to live with the loneliness. I know one say you wonr need that skill anymore though. Stay strong, comrade, keep up the good work. 💜
Hey friend, you matter. Your life matters. You and your experiences add to the vibrancy of our world and we would not be better off if you weren’t here. Managing a mental illness is hard. Going through a breaking up is fucking hard. But you know what? You’re strong enough to handle it. You’re smart and capable and young and I am so sorry that you’re in so much pain right now.
Please don’t leave.