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For once it's not Beatnik who is going to be getting 100s of replies. RIP my inbox
I'm so lonely and sad all the fucking time. And rightfully guilty about a ton of things. Everything is so difficult. I know it's difficult for everyone and everything is relative but my whole life i've had at least massive guilt and sadness buzzing in the background, even when I was genuinely happy. I try not to hate myself, but all the techniques I've learned about self acceptance and self love in therapy, books, support groups, etc - they all seem like just ways of tricking yourself, or coming up with convoluted reasons why You Are Valid. I don't value the same things others value. I measure success, happiness differently than someone who has bought into the capitalist system or for people like most people I have ever met - haven't ever questioned it. That's lonely. And sad. I feel it all the fucking time.
I don't know what's causing your guilt friend, and I wouldn't know the right words to say anyway, but that stuff about feeling lonely - I feel that shit all the time. I hate that your acceptance of this 'work til you die' mentality is tied to your maturity somehow... Like sure, I would like to do professional shit, have a few nice things, fucking move out of my parents' home, but I really hate all the shit you have to put up with just to survive in this world. Whenever I talk to people about how we could try a better way, everyone looks at me like I'm crazy.
When going to school was still a thing, I'd break out of autopilot some time during my rush hour commute and always be struck by how miserable, pissed off, and isolated everyone looked in their cars. It's one of those many moments in my life where I think the price of "success" isn't worth it in the slightest.