If you keep thinking that and keep beating yourself up for it too, you probably have ADHD and depression to boot. Get diagnosed if you can! I still haven't been as great as I've wanted (currently, mainly cause I lost my pyschs cause insurance, unemployment and covid but whatevs) but I've gotten to the point where I know what steps to take to not totally hate myself, my life, be totally unproductive and can see positive in life. You'll be still be down occasionally, and won't change overnight, but you can learn to build a set of support pillars so you won't deep into that terrible pit of self despair and hopelessness again. You'll know what you need to do to pull yourself out of shit moments. You'll give yourself the tools to finally make some change. You'll still fail a TON and maybe feel like shit, but you'll understand how to get through it to find happy and will hopefully never be as bad as your worst diagnosed depressed moment on a personal level.