No for real, I'm bored. Ask me stuff lol.
I'm trying to not lose my mind debugging this stupid Android app. I'm jobless and don't know what I'm doing with my life.
Recently got diagnosed with ASD at 40. I'm severely depressed and suicidal. I listen to shitty music, read theory and pretend I understand it, oh and I'm super hungover because I suffer from alcoholism. I'm an open book so please don't doxx me <3.
I quit drinking a year ago after a, thankfully, failed suicide attempt left me in the hospital. Things are better now, somewhat, some days are better than others. I tried the 12 step thing and it didn't really work for me but I met some cool people who really vibed with it. I will say I found the NA meetings to be a lot better than the AA ones. Just less preachy and a younger crowd.
I just wanted to throw that in there and say hang on, buddy. You're never as alone or as despicable as you think you are people don't always express themselves as much as you may need but they care about you more than you think they do and you do deserve it.
As for a question, do you play video games? I've been playing Persona 5 lately and I'm really enjoying it
So oversharing but you started it lol. I tried to kill myself back in maybe 2010 with sleeping pills. I'm too much of a wimp to cut or use a gun. I came close again a few years ago because I was going through a mental shift with where my life is and couldn't handle it. I started working on my letter. It was gonna be in three parts. I almost started writing part 2 this morning and was gonna post it on Lemmy but went with this AMA instead in hopes that it would be therapeutic. Which turned out to be the case.
I haven't done AA or anything but I have a friend on a horror movie discord that we shared a few nights together just getting fucking wasted and talking about life. I didn't realize she was as bad about it as she was until she said she was going to meetings to try and fix it. She fell off once but def no judging. She's back on and shares he coins/tokens when she gets a new one. I should check in on her. Last we talked she said she had to learn Java for a school project and she's coming from Assembly 💀
I do go to therapy now but for mental health. I recently got fired from my very well paying job because I suck at programming. I have taken a ton of self eval test online and they all pointed at me being on the spectrum. Those and reading /r/askreddit threads pretty much proved I was probably on it. I told my therapist that I wanted to know. I had asked my doctor a few years back if I could get a diagosis and he said I was "too old" which is the biggest bullshit I've ever heard. In the end, I have severe depression, mild anxiety, ASD, and probably a sprinkling of ADHD. I don't know what I expected from an ASD diag but I told my therapist maybe closure or peace, but now I feel more lost than ever and that if I would have had a diagnosis as a kid, maybe my life would have been different? I donno... I had to learn to be fucking empathetic. Like all my life, I was like "sure sometimes people die" and didn't understand why people were sad about it outside of the fact that maybe that person won't be a static thing in your life anymore? My wife is extremely empathetic and I didn't really consider that was an issue with me until we started dating.
That ramble was maybe me leading to a recent thought that I think my drinking is tied to my ASD as a coping mechanism.
My drinking is mostly under control right now but yeah if it gets 2 bottles ow whiskey a week bad again, I might look into getting proper help. I said in another comment that if weed was legal here I probably wouldn't drink but then I'd just be a pothead, right?
Anyway...
I grew up with video games. Our first system was an NES. We also had a Genesis, SNES, N64, PS1, PS2 and even an Atari 2600 and one point or another. I really latched on to old school JRPGs in the SNES. Final Fantasy, Chrono Trigger, and then Suikoden and Xenogears. Played my share of Residet Evil and Armored Core too. I have 3 handheld emulators with something like 2000 game roms on each. If you like retro gaming, it's pretty fucking sweet. Check Out Anbernic or Miyoo for something affordable.
I promised a friend that I would give Persona a try since Switch got a few of the games ported but haven't gotten around to it.
Right now my fav genres are metroidvania, first person puzzle platformers(think Portal), and factory games. If Dyson Sphere Program or Silksong doesn't get a release because of what Unity pulled I am gonna personally burn the CEO's house down.
Oh, also Antimatter Dimensions and other incremental games in that style just make my brain go burrrrrrr.
Share as much as your comfortable with if you want to. It doesn't bother me and no one here would make fun of you over it. I like pretty much all the games you listed. Did you know the creator of Suikoden has a new game coming out next year?
It helps me to find things to look forward to sometimes. Whatever's happening right now I'd hate to miss complaining about how much that disappointed me and boring people with in depth comparisons to previous games and why Suikoden 2 was the peak of the series. It sounds like your doing what you need to do and have caring people around you. I'd try not to go down the road of thinking about how your life could have been, it doesn't lead anywhere. Maybe things would have been better, maybe you would have been so productive that Elon Musk stole and misused your ideas to turn himself into AM and torture you for eternity. There's no way to know.
I have a bad tendency to lay awake and think of all the things I've done wrong and its a long list, I was the worst kind of addict for a long time and I hurt a lot of people, so now I try to make myself think of something I did right when I catch myself doing it, it helps sometimes. Maybe try that.
Be careful with the booze, my man. Its so easy to think everythings okay until one day its suddenly not. If you've got it under control why not try stopping for a few days? It doesn't matter if you can't keep with it, its worth a try, maybe the next time you can go longer. What positive benefit are you really getting from it?
Please, please don't think I'm trying to lecture or judge you. I would never do that. You've just said a lot of things that really resonated with me and I thought I'd share some of the things I tell myself. Sorry for the rambling post.
Tldr: I love you
Did you know the creator of Suikoden has a new game coming out next year?
I sure did but didn't know it has a Steam page until now. Wishlisted! I wanna do another playthrough of the first 2 games at some point.
I am actually doing little checks with my mental state for times when like my wife takes the kids somewhere and tagging along, which isn't something I normally do since I'm super introverted but I really don't want to be alone with my thoughts that much right now. It's been pretty dark lately. I might start trying to think of things to look forward to and what I've done right. My therapist gave me a Locus of Control homework paper that is all about what I can and can't control and how I can phrase things more positively. I can roll your suggestions into that maybe?
Be careful with the booze, my man.
One of the last times I got real drunk, I poured the rest of the bottle out the next morning. It was a horrible hangover and really for nothing. I just wanted to get smashed. I have a case of Founder's Centennial IPA and once that's gone I'm gonna probably focus on not coming up with excuses to drink. I donno. I think realistically reserving it to having a beer or 2 at the brewery with friends is a good goal?
Please, please don't think I'm trying to lecture or judge you. I would never do that. You've just said a lot of things that really resonated with me and I thought I'd share some of the things I tell myself. Sorry for the rambling post.
You are perfectly fine, homie. I tend to do a wall of text style comments on Reddit and that carried over to Lemmy so I am not in any position to say anything lol. I appreciate you taking the time with me.
I think I am gonna overshare more on here and Lemmygrad going forward. I have a lot of shit on my mind and no one to really talk to. My wife's eyes glaze over whenever I bring up keyboards or theory... I don't think I blame her though.
Did you know the creator of Suikoden has a new game coming out next year?
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I appreciate your reply. I come from a family of alcoholics and I think I'm partly just being stubborn. I'm not really sure how to even go about it. I sort of figured I would try and tackle the ASD, mental health and employment things first and then evaluate. Idk...
Tbf, I have gotten better regarding the drinking since I basically removed myself from my entire family. They were never really there anyway. Just toxic on top of more toxic.
question 1: how do you take your oatmeal?
question 2: where do you stand on the sino-soviet split?
Oatmeal: peanut butter, agave, mixed seeds, sliced almonds, granola, and occasionally mixed berries
Sino-Soviet split: I had to look this up lol. I might need to read more on it to give a fuller response.
But also Khrushchev was a putz.
Oatmeal: peanut butter, agave, mixed seeds, sliced almonds, granola, and occasionally mixed berries
This revisionism cannot stand comrade
On a scale from kindergartner to furry commissioner, how well can you draw? Please provide a portrait of Marx for your portfolio if you can.
On a real note, when I was a kid, I used to want to draw comic books and would sketch different Marvel characters. A lot of people would accuse me of tracing though. I eventually gave it up because I hit a wall and wasn't improving.
Right now I'm gonna go with pre-k level. Here is my amazing attempt at Karl, using GIMP and my mouse:
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I used to draw a lot in school too. Every one of my notebooks were filled with doodles and so were the margins of my homework half the time. I think I'm as good as you are now, though haha
I should note that I drew that with a mouse and my non-dominant hand and also am very proud of it.
Can't be too careful. You wouldn't want the feds to do forensics on your drawing
Of course I'm a fed, I'm not from this instance am I? :amogus:
furry commissioner
I read that as "furry commissar". That'll be my job after the revolution.
Probably Avatar: LAB. I like One Punch Man and Gurren Lagann but not a really big anime fan. I grew up with DBZ, Simpsons, and old Saturday morning cartoons though.
Outside of cartoons though, The Expanse is one of the best tv shows ever made. If you even remotely like scifi, it's worth a watch. I do have a soft spot for The Office even though it's cringe. I watched it a lot with my wife so it's become one of our things.
I have a book of poetry published, and a tiny Android app published but those weren't hard to get out there really.
Uh...
Ok, I go with this since it's a hobby, but I build keyboards for fun. I am typing on a keyboard that I built from almost scratch. It's a Ferris Sweep. I use a custom firmware for it that let's me program it however I want. I write code and can play games on a keyboard with only 34 keys. Not only that but my "programming layer" is a custom project that I developed over a span of maybe 4 months through trial and error. My keymap uses Colemak-DH, and the board uses a column stagger format that I objectively feel like is the more correct format that humans should type on. I took a 3 month time period to relearn to type all over again so I could use a column staggered Colemak keyboard. It's been one of the best thinkgs I think I've done to improve myself too. I could never touch type and now I can't type by looking at my hands. It wouldn't even matter because I use blank keycaps lol.
Everyone was all about the Pandas and I found Oreos on Drop on sale, saw the spring weight and it was a no brainer. Big ass tactile bump and light springs but heavy enough to return properly is fantastic. They sound amazing too.
I was following the development of the Sunsets since they were first announced and pre-ordered and felt it was time to learn to solder. They are a bit wobbly but having a nice solid tactile feeling on such a low profile caseless board is awesome.
I don't fully understand half the terms you just used, but that sounds cool
It's honestly ok lol. If you can avoid it, don't get into the mechanical keyboard hobby. Find a board you like and then just leave. Don't even look back. You will actually turn into a pillar of salt.
have you tried roasted sunflowerseeds , Eating them is extremly stress releasing because they are so very complicated to eat.. they "give you something to do" while watching something passsivly..
Great driving snack! Salt and vinegar or cracked pepper are probs my favorite. I used to not be able to correctly crack them with my front teeth because I used to have my labret pierced and developed a stim/habit of chewing on the post and gradually filed one of my front teeth down to a slanted point. I got it capped a few years ago and can eat seeds again.
omg , america has them with vinegar , land of consumer choice ! .... i only know of "salted" & ""xtra Salted" (choose extra salted btw)
They have so many stupid flavors and it's part of my waking up to what our consumerism has actually become. Taco, pizza, ranch, bacon, dill pickle, hot sauce, etc. Honestly you aren't missing out on most of them but S&V is the shit.
I really like the sentient tofu one. Idk what it's called. The smug debate guy one always makes me laugh.
One of the first thing I did when you guys federated was steal the PPB drawn one and add it to my discord server lol.
Also I don't care if they are broken and super large on Lemmy for whatever reason, I love that they are in everyone's faces.
Part of the reason I made this account is to have access to the emojis, ngl.
Joe BidenI actually don't really have a favorite dinosaur. I didn't know this until very recently but part of being on the spectrum is having a hard time answering what your favorite xyz is. I've spent way too long trying to come up with a canned response for favorite horror movie or metal band and realized people aren't actually wanting an essay as a response.
I guess my generic response is the baby from the tv show "Dinosaurs" because he was there for slapstick and I dig that.
If I had to pick an actual real dino, maybe T-Rex?
What did you experience when you were 4-6 or so that you remember vividly, if anything?
What impact has that event had on you, do you think? (Including having no vivid memory from that time)
Around that age is when I started playing with Legos. We grew up poor so had to use our imaginations a lot and I think I really learned to use it as a form of escapism from building stuff and making my own stories up since we didn't have like cable tv and had to rent VHS tapes from the video store in town for real entertainment. The stories I made up would be super involved and they would evolve over the years. It's probably the last real good memories I have of my brother before he turned into a total chud.
I can also remember my first suicidal thoughts around that time. Maybe closer to 8 years old I guess but I remember riding in the car and looking out the window and having thoughts that I could open the door and just jump. I figured those thought would eventually go away and didn't realize until later that it's probably tied to my depression. Like I just don't want to be here anymore but I'm too afraid or weak to end it all I guess. I kept those intrusive thought memories with me all my life. They still come but I have a wife and 2 kids now and they love me and I love them back and donno if I can do that now. Now I feel like I am just suffering through but here for them.
I guess the impact of all that is that it probably played a major roll with me becoming a nihilist or absurdist(not sure which, maybe it's a bit fluid) but even though I have severe depression, they have become my purpose. The thoughts are not gonna go away.
If we can develop giant robots for stuff like farming, that would be great. If they become sentient and turn us all into batteries, we probably deserved it and that wouldn't be so bad either.
What are your favorite alcoholic beverages? Have you tried AA or anything similar, and if so how did that go?
I haven't done AA but if I get bad again I might consider it. For now I'm actually going through a lighter phase because I have a vape pen and would rather weed be legal here because it would let me cut way down on drinking as a release/crutch. I can get stoned off my balls and wake up and be fine but alcohol hangovers are another story.
In the befortimes(I'm vegan btw) I really dug milk stouts but now my main focus is on any craft beer that doesn't use lactose or other animal parts in their brewing. IPA from across the hop spectrum are good. I like more fruity and juicy hops now and less metallic/pine-y. So the current trend is great.
Outside of beer, vegan friendly red wines are awesome. Ménage à Trois Merlot and Cabs have been my go-to over the last few years. Apothic makes some great wines in the same price range but sadly not vegan. The best I've had was a $70 bottle from my MiL's cousin's vineyard out in CA. It was aged post purchase for like 12 years and they were gonna just throw it out. I was like "hell nah, gimme that" lol.
I Also like whiskeys, bourbons, and scotches but am not super knowledgable. I guess I like peaty stuff? That's what my whiskey nerd friends have deduced at least.
Forgot to finish my beer thought. Aside from IPAs, I like sours, gose, belgian style ales, some porters, and there ain't nothing wrong with a kolsh on a hot day. I will drink most beer but tend to stay away from macros unless I am super broke and having a bad day.
My roux never get even remotely that dark. I am an impatient man.
Yeah well you're also not a segregationist like him so, pros and cons.
I grew up listing to Manson, Coal Chamber, Fear Factory, Slipknot, SoaD, and basically a lot of nu-metal before getting into death metal and hardcore. But that was mostly aimlessly going to shows and music stores in my teens with my metal head friends.
Over the years I eventually settled on Deathcore after if finally came into it's own. Listened to a lot of Carnifex and Despised Icon back in the day but now the scene is going through a golden age because of bands like Infant Anihilator, Lorna Shore, Worm Shepard, Signs of the Swarm, etc, straight up pushing the boundaries of heavy music. I'm a total slut for an earth ruining breakdown too. Downtempo Deathcore really gets this but then occasionally a band like Larcenia Roe shows up with with their song Nose Tork and that ending just destroys.
I'm also really into Utempo Hardcor/Gabber/Rawstyle and can throw on mixes and just focus for hours. It's good stuff. There is a curator on Soundcloud named break2thecore that is always posting mixes and I mostly live vicariously through them. If you check them out just a CW: they have a select list of artists that use barely clothes tattooed girls for their mix covers. I can't complain because tattoos and piercings are hot.
I occasionally move into some dubstep, horror synth, trapcore/"screamo-rap"/whatever it's called. And recently hyperpop and hyperpop adjacent stuff.
Recent artists I've been listening too are Siiickbrain, Banshee, Cassyette, Scene Queen, Ashnikko, Kim Dracula, Hot Mulligan, La Dispute,
My canned response for favorite band is La Dispute. But I do really like them.
I got a discord friend that is super into folk stuff and "atmospheric/ambient black metal" stuff. I've given the latter a listen but it wasn't clicking so much outside of just being background music. I've always let myself move with the music and if it wasn't moving I couldn't really focus as much, I guess. Upbeat and a ton of change-ups really keep my attention. I dig rap where they can really flow but outside of pop rap from the last 20 or so years I don't know much.
You Make Me Sick kept coming up in my mixes and every time I was like I should give her a listen. Spotify's alg let me know her album dropped a few weeks ago so I gave it a full listen through. It's good!
I get what you mean about needing upbeat music, i just need some ooomf!
https://inv.tux.pizza/watch?v=xnpfTpkr6to Does this do it for you?
Ask and you shall receive
Seriously though, I need my music to have some power in it when I'm in the mood for something heavy (which is quite often)
https://skyqode.bandcamp.com/album/defiance if you want more (I fucking love this album)
I post stuff in the music comm from time to time, so you may come across more stuff I like that way.
oooh its not my usual thing, but im always trying to expand my taste.
Same here. Always on the prowl for some good music I've never heard of.
i could do a great workout to this!!!
ShowSwoletariat of the world unite!
