i always suck at most competitive things. be it chess, or smash bros, or anything, i always feel like im so bad at it, and when i eventually lose i end up being really fed up with myself, cry, and not improve.

it's particularly bad when there is a rating somewhere telling me im going way down, and it feels so insulting. once i lost like half a dozen matches in smash and it put me at a score of 40'000, which means im at the bottom 40'000 people in the world playing. i've seen people with scores of 4M, so the game just told me im in the bottom 1% of players, which wow thanks.

i also played a bit of chess recently, cos i wanted to get into it. i did it with my brother who is a bit better at it, and got me to a slightly higher ELO score, and now im playing with people which are much better than me, but even then the computer at the end tells me stuff like "your accuracy on good moves is 4%" so i feel pretty bad.

if it was just with games, i'd be fine with it (even tho i percieve them as fun so it's kinda bad i cant play those). it's that i feel like everything around me is so competitive, jobs, art, school, everything, and i feel like im totally unfit to do any of those things necessary. all the weird capitalist struggle to survive, the pulling yourself up your bootstraps, haing to compete in the market, all that stuff makes me so anxious about my future that i wanna cry rather than having to deal with it. not that crying fixes anything.

kind of the reason why i want to be a teacher, since they dont get to do much competition after they've been hired, although i guess there is some competition in the hiring process. something for me to be anxious about next i guess.

EDIT: oh heck i forgot pokemon!! i was never good at it and tbh to be good at online pokemon you gotta use the same two things with maybe a bit of variation; using a non standard team is so punished. i never got more than 1200 ELO on showdown. the community is fun but i cant bear just having to sit and get beaten everytime

    • Katieushka [they/them,she/her]
      ·
      3 years ago

      i see what you're saying but i also feel like whenever i try to do something artistic (at which im not at all trained) i end up feeling like i'll never be as good as anyone and will forever be pathetic with it. (sorry for being a doomer rn)

      • PouncySilverkitten [none/use name]
        ·
        3 years ago

        If it makes you feel any better (it probably doesn’t), I have some formal art education and yet I struggle with the same feelings of inadequacy. I don’t feel like my training was good enough, I feel like the habits I learned were all wrong, and I’m afraid I’m using my tools incorrectly. Sometimes I avoid producing anything because I’m afraid I’ll be disappointed in the outcome. I’m aware that this is all silly and that producing pretty much any kind of art badly is better than not doing it at all. But it’s still hard to overcome, and it’s not helped by how easy it is to see the work of immensely talented and hardworking people online and get discouraged.

        I wish I had an answer for how to move forward effectively, but the best I’ve been able to do for myself is to force a little bit of work at a time. Even if it’s just making a bunch of new sketches I never finish, at least I did something more than before.

      • Smeagolicious [they/them]
        ·
        3 years ago

        The art you posted is really good! It's such a waste that a lot of people drop artistic pursuits because they think they'll never be as good as other people, or not good enough in general. Please don't stop creating because of this!

        Sometimes you just gotta be very self-centered when it comes to your art. In my opinion, you should do it for your own sense of progression. You will see yourself improve if you keep up with it - that's a fact - and that experience of looking back, even over short term progress, and seeing improvement is so satisfying. You should almost never compare yourself and your work to others, unless you're trying to learn from an example you find compelling. And even then, it's about taking what lessons you need and accepting that you will need time and work to refine your creations.

        Hell, pursuing nearly any art form is impressive - art is so disincentivized in capitalist society today that it's honestly heartening seeing anyone, especially beginners, creating anything. Whether music, poetry, visual art, or really any creative expression.

    • WhatDoYouMeanPodcast [comrade/them]
      ·
      3 years ago

      I feel the opposite of this. I was very shy growing up. I gravitated towards thing that were right or wrong regardless of what anybody tells me. Lifting for example, there's nothing else to consider besides whether my deadlift comes off the ground or not. Nobody else needs to approve - it either moves or it doesn't. And eventually I found BJJ which is my favorite thing in the world. Somebody can be higher ranked than you. They can be more athletic, bigger, and stronger with a more impressive pedigree. They can be giving you a bunch of advice even. But if you try something that works, then they either have to defend or they lose. This one time, a more put-together person once brought their spouse and children to a competition and had them cheering as we sparred. I was losing badly and the time was running out. I reached for a wristlock and to their shock, yielded and I ended up winning. It's self-expression for me. The idea that you could win a physical confrontation by being sly and employing misdirection made me fall in love. That was important for me. I have a hard time with organization, teamwork, aesthetics, and rhythm, but when it comes to 1v1 on an even field, I found it much easier to be engaged. I like to think about/ask why they behaved this way. What advantages are they reaching for? What system are they operating in? What tells do they see me make?

      I think it's great and should be celebrated when you have a muse you can turn to. When stress and awful things come your way, expression is the best thing you can turn towards.

      Edit: the ultimate point being that if you're not competition minded, it may just be the way you are. It came very naturally for me. Death to any system that would see you diminished for not being like this or that.