This should be fucking obvious but an argument I just went through on Twitter (gods I really should just not get on twitter) tells me that even left-leaning people for some reason sometimes think they are owed this information simply because they are interested in flirting.

Transpeople have no obligation to out themselves. even if you have or are going to kiss, or date them.

To think otherwise is to assume you are owed knowledge about their body. To get upset after they do tell you is to assume you were entitled to continue the relationship, or that they were trying to manipulate you.

If you have hangups that would prevent a relationship it's on YOU to be upfront about them or to accept the potential disappointment with grace.

  • Ryaina [she/her]
    ·
    3 years ago

    They get so fucking obtuse about it when you point out that not telling them right away does not equate to deceiving them.

    CisHetronormitivity means most people have never had to explain their existence just to flirt, so they don't even understand what they are asking.

    Should ace people tell you upfront they are not and will likely never be interesting in sex? even though they may want to pursue a relationship that doesn't include sex? would you be equally upset?

    It's like they assume anyone they are attracted to they are entitled to get a shot at.

    If your ego is so fragile that not meeting your relationship expectation can make you feel mad, betrayed, or deceived you have some issues to work out. Other people are not here for your gratification.

    • machiabelly [she/her]
      ·
      3 years ago

      lmao I'm just trying to imagine how robotic our conversations would have to be for the ace point to make any sense at all. Excuse me madam but I believe that you view me as a potential sexual prospect, I regret to inform you that I am sex repulsed. As wonderful as I'm sure it would be to have you in such a setting I feel that I must make it clear that your vague advances and lingering glances will not lead to a satisfying conclusion. Do you enjoy board games?

      • Ryaina [she/her]
        ·
        3 years ago

        XD. there is a spectrum to being ace too so it's conceivable that a person would want to flirt without the sex.

        least, that's my experience

      • MerryChristmas [any]
        ·
        3 years ago

        I like that little rhyme at the end - vague advances and lingering glances.

      • MerryChristmas [any]
        ·
        3 years ago

        Okay but on date one, date two, hell, even date three, your romantic interest may not want to have sex with you regardless of whether or not they're asexual. Your date may never want to have sex with you, or they might initially want to have sex and then change their mind. Maybe they want to wait six months because they got burned by a recent ex. I don't think someone should have to tell you whether or not you're going to get laid in order to accept or ask you out on a date.

          • MerryChristmas [any]
            ·
            3 years ago

            I understand and that's totally valid - it's just that everyone gets emotionally invested on a different timeline, especially when their safety could be put at risk. I think deciding when to disclose that information should be done on a case-by-case basis.

    • eduardog3000 [he/him]
      ·
      3 years ago

      Should ace people tell you upfront they are not and will likely never be interesting in sex? even though they may want to pursue a relationship that doesn’t include sex?

      Uhh, yes? That's a pretty damn important aspect of a relationship.

      • PowerUser [they/them]
        ·
        3 years ago

        I don't think she's suggesting it as something to drop after you've been married for twenty years, but also not something to have to give to people unsolicited regardless of whether you are starting to pursue a relationship or not.

        • eduardog3000 [he/him]
          ·
          3 years ago

          If you are pursuing a relationship with someone, it's a pretty important detail. Not like the first thing out of your mouth, but pretty damn early in the dating process.