This should be fucking obvious but an argument I just went through on Twitter (gods I really should just not get on twitter) tells me that even left-leaning people for some reason sometimes think they are owed this information simply because they are interested in flirting.
Transpeople have no obligation to out themselves. even if you have or are going to kiss, or date them.
To think otherwise is to assume you are owed knowledge about their body. To get upset after they do tell you is to assume you were entitled to continue the relationship, or that they were trying to manipulate you.
If you have hangups that would prevent a relationship it's on YOU to be upfront about them or to accept the potential disappointment with grace.
To make this extra fucking clear, Finding out someone's body isn't what you expected does not mean you have been tricked. It should not be abnormal to find out unique things about a person. finding out someone is trans should be no different than finding out that they have a glass eye, or they are double-jointed, or they are deaf in one ear, or any number of other conditions.
Normalize trans people, don't categorize our bodies as "special" or "other".
100% agree. Cis people get so fucking angry that you don’t tell them. It’s not hard to just move on if that’s not your thing. I always tell people I approach, but when someone flirts with me first and finds out after that I’m trans and gets angry, like why are you so fragile that you’re furious you found a trans person attractive?
Fucking babies, get over it
They get so fucking obtuse about it when you point out that not telling them right away does not equate to deceiving them.
CisHetronormitivity means most people have never had to explain their existence just to flirt, so they don't even understand what they are asking.
Should ace people tell you upfront they are not and will likely never be interesting in sex? even though they may want to pursue a relationship that doesn't include sex? would you be equally upset?
It's like they assume anyone they are attracted to they are entitled to get a shot at.
If your ego is so fragile that not meeting your relationship expectation can make you feel mad, betrayed, or deceived you have some issues to work out. Other people are not here for your gratification.
lmao I'm just trying to imagine how robotic our conversations would have to be for the ace point to make any sense at all. Excuse me madam but I believe that you view me as a potential sexual prospect, I regret to inform you that I am sex repulsed. As wonderful as I'm sure it would be to have you in such a setting I feel that I must make it clear that your vague advances and lingering glances will not lead to a satisfying conclusion. Do you enjoy board games?
XD. there is a spectrum to being ace too so it's conceivable that a person would want to flirt without the sex.
least, that's my experience
I like that little rhyme at the end - vague advances and lingering glances.
Okay but on date one, date two, hell, even date three, your romantic interest may not want to have sex with you regardless of whether or not they're asexual. Your date may never want to have sex with you, or they might initially want to have sex and then change their mind. Maybe they want to wait six months because they got burned by a recent ex. I don't think someone should have to tell you whether or not you're going to get laid in order to accept or ask you out on a date.
I understand and that's totally valid - it's just that everyone gets emotionally invested on a different timeline, especially when their safety could be put at risk. I think deciding when to disclose that information should be done on a case-by-case basis.
Should ace people tell you upfront they are not and will likely never be interesting in sex? even though they may want to pursue a relationship that doesn’t include sex?
Uhh, yes? That's a pretty damn important aspect of a relationship.
I don't think she's suggesting it as something to drop after you've been married for twenty years, but also not something to have to give to people unsolicited regardless of whether you are starting to pursue a relationship or not.
If you are pursuing a relationship with someone, it's a pretty important detail. Not like the first thing out of your mouth, but pretty damn early in the dating process.
honestly. people should just accept trans bodies. Whether we pass or not they put us in a category of "other" which is part of why they get upset when they find out and feel decieved. If being trans was no different than any other condition, regardless of appearance or stage of transition it wouldn't be a problem.
If you're attracted to someone then you're attracted to them. If they remove their clothes and you are no longer attracted to them, you politely shut down the encounter. How is that so hard for people to understand?
Trans people are the gender that they say that they are, please act like it.
This may be the case for you lot. But I personally demand that a potential partner presents their entire history, both medical and personal, to me on the first date. :)
I have a questionaire for that and any potential suitor has to fill it out and mail to to my lawyer for review.
Can you imagine going on a date with a guy and only finding out later that he doesn't have an appendix shudder.
Imagine marrying a guy for his organs without demanding a full physical.
Ain't even getting in bed with a bloke unless I know he has a kidney to spare.
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Can I use this opportunity to add that it's also sort of insulting when people assume someone is cis just because they don't recognize them as trans? Guessing someone's gender identity based on their appearance is not cool, even when you're just trying to dunk on some Twitter CHUDs. To me, it always felt like these sort of callouts reinforced the idea that you're only the gender you identify as if you "pass." Ultimately, it's like you said - no trans person owes it to you to let you know that they are trans.
I'm not all that sure of my gender identity and I'm not very active in trans communities so maybe I'm sticking my nose where it doesn't belong - this is just something that always made me personally uncomfortable. I'm happy to listen to other perspectives, though.
If you have hangups that would prevent a relationship it’s on YOU to be upfront about them
:10000-com:
It seems like a rude thing to do tbh to just expect people to share really private stuff about their sex, gender and genitals
but idk maybe im built different
I can't speak for everyone but I suspect most absolutely would want them to know as it can both be relent
if we get conformable enough / know them well enough to trust them with that information.
Trans people put a target on their back every time they share who they are. tell the wrong person or let the wrong person overhear and we can get anything from hatemail to fired to much worse. and even with those who take it relatively well the information can entirely change how they treat and interact with you.
if we find someone to peruse a relationship with, and learn enough abouttthem to trust them thenthey will ffind out.
thats said. for more casual friendships or can be entirely irrelevant information. we don't have to be and often find want to be defined by being trans. Being on the autism spectrum can be a bit different because it's not always something that can go unnoticed. but if I'm just making friendsiI don't needto sshare something that personal when it hasssuch large risks.
tldr; it's a deeplyppersonal and often risky thing to share that is nnormally irrelevant
You've accepted autism as a factor that will affect your relationship with others. For trans people, they (often) don't see trans as the identity that shapes their relationship. That identity is male/female.
I don't get the people who somehow don't understand this yet accept that when you start flirting/dating you find out... you know, a ton of things about a person, things you discover about them, that you had no way to know and that you might not like, or like?
Fucking weird.
