The only joy in my day at the moment is listening to California Soul by Marlena Shaw or Hit Or Miss by Odetta. Bored of vidya. Bored of chatting to girls. Working out has become a chore. University assignments are a struggle. Life's dull to say the least.
sounds like all the more of a reason to keep trying
not like it can get worse lol
no but on a real note I doubt anyone's passing that on, and the good thing about tinder is that you'll never meet your fuckups, so it's live and let live even if they do think you're strange.
It can get worse though. Trying and failing is way more devastating than not trying at all, and the failures pile up, which usually is a sign that things really aren't working.
If I ever had anything interesting to talk to people about, I've forgotten it. This isn't just about dating either.
Sorry for hijacking your thread with doomer shit. I don't expect you to solve my problems but I appreciate trying ♥️
dw lol all I'm doing is giving empty 'be confident' platitudes really
doesn't it kill you wondering what could've been? Surely you want a relationship some day?
Lets get real for a sec - would you say you're physically attractive? Is there anything you can do to improve how attractive you are? I was meh before I started hitting the gym. In 3 months of gym my match rate has skyrocketed.
This is at least a few steps above "be confident" ;)
Of course I want a relationship, but I absolutely don't want children, which just makes dating feel like wasting other peoples' time, since it's not something you bring up initially.
I'm pretty fit, exercise regularly, and have actually had a handful of people come on to me (which I have no idea how to respond to so I just make an excuse to leave), so looks shouldn't be an issue. It's the inside that is ugly. The insomnia eyelids probably don't help though, and wearing makeup just feels wrong (thanks patriarchy, very cool!)
Mmmm, yeah, but then again there's apps like hinge and bumble where you can put 'dont want' in the tickbox for kids. People often ignore that sort of thing, but it's not too hard to be direct about. If the other person is worth knowing at all then they shouldn't mind you saying at some point that you find the whole dating thing a bit odd, cos you feel like you'd waste someone's time cos of the kids thing.
I started clarifying before hookups that I had performance anxiety so only give head the first few times (until I got viagra), and that's a much more grotesque subject I think. Childfree is all the rage these days.
I can't really talk about the makeup issue - cos I've never experienced being expected to wear it. My simple solution as a straight dumb dude bro is just 'dont wear it then' but obviously it's a lot more complex than that.
Guess ye just gotta practice getting hit on - I sometimes wonder if I'm slightly autistic or maybe ADHD, so before dates I sort of prepare conversation tangents that I can go off on, and think how I can steer conversations into areas that I'm comfortable in, cos otherwise I'd also be awkward and boring. Ye can't just lock out a big part of human life because it's a bit scary. Get therapy if you can I suppose.
Damn, congrats on powering through the viagra stuff, I imagine that must've been hell.
If it wasn't clear, I'm also a "straight dumb dude bro" haha, hence why I'm not comfortable using makeup.
It's not just scary, it's that I wouldn't date myself, so why would I subject anyone else to it? Finding someone who has an equivalent level of dysfunction would take so long since everyone hides it.
I've been to therapy. My therapist actually made it worse...
Not even! If you do it with confidence and a laugh it's totally fine. Their loss if they don't like getting head. I got myself into this mess, and whilst I'm still in the mess I gotta accept that this is how things are for now. Might as well own it. Going to the pharmacy to get viagra was one of the funniest half hours of my life.
Well, I think that's just a self worth thing - not that you didn't know that already - I'm not really sure how to combat that. I was a total piece of shit for like 17 years of my life, and with my attachment problems (not attaching at all) I suppose I'm a nightmare to date in the end. But I cant get better at attachment if I don't practice it. Shouldn't lock myself out of the game just because they way I am now isn't perfect. I wouldn't date me either - I'm so fuckin annoying sometimes. But some people find it charming. That's who would date you. The person who finds your quirks endearing, or at the very least knows how to handle you at your worst lol.
How'd therapy make it worse? I felt similar about mine - now, post therapy, I second guess everything I do and always wonder which one of my thoughts is real, which thought is a trauma defense, etc etc. It's hell sometimes, but pre therapy I was just worse off in other ways. What happened with yours?
What about you makes you so dysfunctional would you say?
Funniest half hours of your life? How on earth? Tell me more!
You're probably right about self worth and attachment needing practice, but as I said I just feel like I'm being unfair to other people by treating them as some kind of tutors to be discarded on the path to Becoming A Good Person. I was also a massive jerk for a big part of my life.
I was doing exposure therapy at the time, which involved me being delusional about a crush, which the therapist erred on the side of "it's probably just the anxiety speaking" about. The entire thing would have been avoided if I had simply known they were already taken, which I could have found out easily without revealing my crush on them, but that would have required extremely basic social intuitions and skills. Maybe not entirely the therapist's fault, but the whole thing made me realize that I sorely lacked those extremely basic intuitions and skills, which still haunts me, and after that I always second guessed myself even harder, slowly severing the few connections I had. And as I said this wasn't just about dating. Maybe realizing it was necessary but it could have been done in a less damaging way.
Sorry for the incoherent rant, it helps to write it out sometimes.
TLDR I'm a mess and fixing that requires socialization but how the fuck do you socialize when you're a mess
Just the absurdity of it really. Walking up to the counter like a proud moose, asking the man for his finest viagra, him looking shocked that I didn't look ashamed at all, he hands me a form with a bunch of questions made for old people about heart conditions and viagra interactions that just made me laugh even more.
I said that too after I left my last relationship. Thought to myself ok, I won't get into another relationship until therapy has fully fixed me. But that's a classic softboy move, pretending like you're making some great sacrifice for humanity when really it's just an excuse to avoid your problems. Plenty of proper cunts get into relationships. In the grand scheme of things, since we're lefty inclined, we're already gonna make better boyfriends than most guys cos we have the slightest awareness of women's issues. Even the self awareness to say you've been a shithead for ages shows emotional maturity that most people lack. No one's perfect - you end up dating someone who's positives outweigh the negatives. I don't know how old you are, but at my age, it's prime time for testing out relationships. People are aware that these relationships now probably won't last, but you ride em out until it stops being a positive force in your life, and when it ends you realise you learnt a lot about yourself. It's practice for the end game.
You socialize when you're a mess by fucking it up every now and again, and looking back on it and cringing. Being able to cringe at your old self just means you've grown and learnt. Not an easy thing to do by any means, but if you're at rock bottom there's no harm in trying. Probably time to get a new therapist too.