Hmm. While I am fully committed to wanting to medically transition now, it actually took me a while to reach that conclusion because I had a period of a few months literally right before my initial "oh shit" gender questioning moment when I had finally begun to feel like maybe I would be happy being a girl. (Needless to say... I did not stay a girl.)
dysphoria talk
I'm not a binary trans person, but I also am pretty set in my non-binary experience of gender, and it very distinctly isn't in any way related to my agab (I get a lot of dysphoria when gendered as a girl/woman.)
However, for a while when I was first questioning, I thought that I didn't experience a lot of physical dysphoria, just social dysphoria. As a result, I thought that maybe I didn't want to medically transition because I, too, was scare of permanent changes. So during this questioning phase, there were times when I quite liked my more "feminine" body, and times when I wished I had different fat distribution. There were times when I liked my boobs and times when I hated how much they gendered me. But the more I got misgendered, the more uncomfortable I got, and I began to solidify both my experience of physical dysphoria and how I wanted to transition. I know some nonbinary people are okay with getting read as their agab, but I really wasn't.
All in all, it took my about two years to fully decide that I wanted to medically transition, which is where I'm at now. There are still some things that I don't really want to change, though. I very much do not want a penis, so I never pack and I have no intention of getting phalloplasty. Top surgery is still somewhat of a toss-up that I've been waffling on for a while, but I think I'm starting to come down on the side of "yeah get these off" (frankly I wish for velcro boobs, but I think that it's easier for me to just fake having boobs when I want them rather than to bind when I don't.) I also do not really want to pass as a cis manly man, I just really want to stop getting gendered as a woman (which all strangers do to me. I do not pass at all.) Really, what I want is to be confusing.
Idk if any of this helps but I thought I would just word vomit a little. It would be really nice if we could just shapeshift at will, lol.
It does. A lot. So many of your thoughts parallel my own perfectly, so it's nice to see it expressed.
I really wish we could just shapeshift.
One major issue for me is I really can't imagine myself as an old woman. I want to be a bearded old dude, so I don't want to get rid of my beard or detransition and have testosterone issues in my old age. Maybe it's just deep brainworms acting up considering how women are treated like garbage the more they age while men are treated like a fine wine idk. Maybe if I take your route, I'll figure out what I actually want. Maybe it wouldn't actually bother me.
But RIGHT NOW, the push to feminize is quite strong. I've still got like 3 decades before I'd consider myself an old man. Do I just take half measures and repress during that time? I don't know.
Hmm. While I am fully committed to wanting to medically transition now, it actually took me a while to reach that conclusion because I had a period of a few months literally right before my initial "oh shit" gender questioning moment when I had finally begun to feel like maybe I would be happy being a girl. (Needless to say... I did not stay a girl.)
dysphoria talk
I'm not a binary trans person, but I also am pretty set in my non-binary experience of gender, and it very distinctly isn't in any way related to my agab (I get a lot of dysphoria when gendered as a girl/woman.)
However, for a while when I was first questioning, I thought that I didn't experience a lot of physical dysphoria, just social dysphoria. As a result, I thought that maybe I didn't want to medically transition because I, too, was scare of permanent changes. So during this questioning phase, there were times when I quite liked my more "feminine" body, and times when I wished I had different fat distribution. There were times when I liked my boobs and times when I hated how much they gendered me. But the more I got misgendered, the more uncomfortable I got, and I began to solidify both my experience of physical dysphoria and how I wanted to transition. I know some nonbinary people are okay with getting read as their agab, but I really wasn't.
All in all, it took my about two years to fully decide that I wanted to medically transition, which is where I'm at now. There are still some things that I don't really want to change, though. I very much do not want a penis, so I never pack and I have no intention of getting phalloplasty. Top surgery is still somewhat of a toss-up that I've been waffling on for a while, but I think I'm starting to come down on the side of "yeah get these off" (frankly I wish for velcro boobs, but I think that it's easier for me to just fake having boobs when I want them rather than to bind when I don't.) I also do not really want to pass as a cis manly man, I just really want to stop getting gendered as a woman (which all strangers do to me. I do not pass at all.) Really, what I want is to be confusing.
Idk if any of this helps but I thought I would just word vomit a little. It would be really nice if we could just shapeshift at will, lol.
It does. A lot. So many of your thoughts parallel my own perfectly, so it's nice to see it expressed.
I really wish we could just shapeshift.
One major issue for me is I really can't imagine myself as an old woman. I want to be a bearded old dude, so I don't want to get rid of my beard or detransition and have testosterone issues in my old age. Maybe it's just deep brainworms acting up considering how women are treated like garbage the more they age while men are treated like a fine wine idk. Maybe if I take your route, I'll figure out what I actually want. Maybe it wouldn't actually bother me.
But RIGHT NOW, the push to feminize is quite strong. I've still got like 3 decades before I'd consider myself an old man. Do I just take half measures and repress during that time? I don't know.