goddamn i can’t keep pretending to be straight. i keep going through periods of time where i stupidly try to convince myself that i am het but it just ends up making me feel like absolute dogshit

i’m just gay, but calling myself a lesbian makes me feel so fucking fake and creepy, it makes me feel more male than i already do normally

i don’t see myself as a woman, i want to be one very desperately, but i don’t feel like one or really consider myself one despite trying to be one. i think that’s why i hate calling myself a lesbian so much because it just highlights this insecurity

i don’t know how to get over it though. this isn’t something i think about other trans women, just about myself. i really wish i could be a woman but i don’t see one in the mirror or feel like one inside

admitting last night that i’m not straight and that i am in fact gay felt really good at least. but i’m probably just going to roll back and start lying to myself that i want a boyfriend sometime in the future then i’ll have to go through this all over again

i never make any progress, i just go in circles