You're so absofuckinglutely valid for grieving every second you weren't able to be your authentic self, whatever the reason for it was.
lot's of gender "what if"ing
My mind always races back to a time I was 4 or 5 years old and was able to articulate to god in a prayer that I wanted to be a girl. I closed my eyes and imagined that when I opened my eyes, I would be wearing a dress, have long hair... I imagined coming up to my mother and her being so happy to see the true me. when i opened my eyes, these things didn't come true, but the thought felt so exciting that I couldn't not share my desire with my mother. What followed was enough for me to throw that memory so deep in the vault, that i didn't think of it again or remember it until around 20 years later when my egg broke.
I'm constantly haunted by the thought of "what if my parents were accepting and just allowed me to wear a different type of garment from what was considered normal? what if they allowed me to grow my hair out? what if by the time i reached puberty and started experiencing the worst body horror shit imaginable, there were people there to support me anys I didn't feel completely alone for years and years and years? what if I i didn't even have to go through the body horror shit in the first place because my parents were interested enough in my wellbeing to do some reading and found out I'm trans? what if went through the right puberty? what would it be like? What would it be like to be fem presenting in a time of my life when i was able to socialise with my peers so easily every day?
Anyway, idk how to cap this off, but I hope it at least makes you feel a bit less alone. Lots of love 💕
You're so absofuckinglutely valid for grieving every second you weren't able to be your authentic self, whatever the reason for it was.
lot's of gender "what if"ing
My mind always races back to a time I was 4 or 5 years old and was able to articulate to god in a prayer that I wanted to be a girl. I closed my eyes and imagined that when I opened my eyes, I would be wearing a dress, have long hair... I imagined coming up to my mother and her being so happy to see the true me. when i opened my eyes, these things didn't come true, but the thought felt so exciting that I couldn't not share my desire with my mother. What followed was enough for me to throw that memory so deep in the vault, that i didn't think of it again or remember it until around 20 years later when my egg broke.
I'm constantly haunted by the thought of "what if my parents were accepting and just allowed me to wear a different type of garment from what was considered normal? what if they allowed me to grow my hair out? what if by the time i reached puberty and started experiencing the worst body horror shit imaginable, there were people there to support me anys I didn't feel completely alone for years and years and years? what if I i didn't even have to go through the body horror shit in the first place because my parents were interested enough in my wellbeing to do some reading and found out I'm trans? what if went through the right puberty? what would it be like? What would it be like to be fem presenting in a time of my life when i was able to socialise with my peers so easily every day?
Anyway, idk how to cap this off, but I hope it at least makes you feel a bit less alone. Lots of love 💕
:meow-hug: thank you. It's good to know other people feel that way. It does make me feel less alone.