this sounds like it was written by someone who didn't grow up in a house where it was normal for their parents to be affectionate to each other.
He wants to be affectionate with his dog, petting it and whatever, but isn't driven to be cuddly with his girlfriend. I don't think it's pure reddit-brain at work here.
At least he's trying.
I was like this and grew up in a house like that. Took a while to deprogram.
I was the opposite in that my family was extremely physically affectionate but couldn't say a nice thing to save their lives. It took me a long time and a decent amount of work to stop using "pretty good" as my biggest compliment. We all have :brainworms: to purge
Not all people are the same.
One thing I've noticed in this big wide world is that some people really like their emotions. They just like feeling them all the time, and if they aren't feeling something, they feel lost and empty. Moreover they identify this lack of feeling as coming from others and view it as a personal attack. Like this gf.
There are other people who are more on an even keel. They like emotions too, but prefer thought. It doesn't mean they feel any less, it's just that they don't have to show it all the time. If they say "I love you," it's good for the week and they don't have to say it four times a day and burst through the door with a shower of kisses.
People are different.
I definitely like pets a lot less than the Reddit guy so I don't really get him admittedly, but am more affectionate towards people and hug my friends.
I don't like baby-talking dogs like the Reddit Guy, and if my partner and I got a dog then it'd probably be "their" dog with me helping take care of it because they like baby talking dogs and stuff, and I don't really. Plus I feel like I don't have the energy to play with and take care of a dog as much as it needs. I like that living with a dog would force me to walk and go outside more, but I'm just not a pet person.
Just the fact that he likes the dog so much makes me feel like he's conditioned to repress emotion towards people but feels like he can let it all go towards his dog.
I have a hard time expressing affection towards people I love (both romantically and platonically) because it makes me feel so damn vulnerable and exposed. I can only overcome this while intoxicated, but since quitting I've been very reserved. But I absolutely smother pets with all that pent up affection I bottled up.
My GF loved it when I take her out to the park and then throw balls and she runs and gets them and brings it back to me. I also sometimes offer her a cookie if she rolls around on the floor for me first.
Queue scene in Brooklyn Nine-Nine where the detectives can't tell if another detective is talking about their wife or their dog.
My wife loves going to the park (but we just walk, don't play catch) and also loves when I offer sweet treats (she doesn't like the meat flavors tho)
to be fair though going to the park with someone is genuinely a great way to get some quality time together
My girlfriend gets a treat for every day that she doesn't shit on the floor
because I love my dog more
No dude, you’re just unable to express yourself in any way that wasn’t explicitly modeled by your emotionally stunted family. You don’t feel threatened by your dog because you consider them subhuman, you could physically overpower them, and the only way they could hurt you emotionally is to die.
The moment your girlfriend does something to make you feel an uncomfortable emotion, you’ll remember that she’s human and slip back into cold stoicism because it is literally your only coping mechanism. Enjoy the physical contact with another human being while it last, though. Turns out that touch is a human need and you’ve probably been deprived of it most your life.
I see a lot of people relating heavily to this post, particularly a lot of men. If the post or this comment is relatable to you, it’s possible to learn more coping strategies and get more in touch with your emotions. When people say “get therapy”, that’s pretty much what they mean since those are the skills and self-knowledge you learn in therapy. But if that’s out of reach for you for financial or familial reasons, journaling about your thoughts, feelings, and desires is a good idea whether you’re in therapy or not.
The first act of violence that patriarchy demands of males is not violence toward women. Instead patriarchy demands of all males that they engage in acts of psychic self-mutilation, that they kill off the emotional parts of themselves. If an individual is not successful in emotionally crippling himself, he can count on patriarchal men to enact rituals of power that will assault his self-esteem.
-bell hooks
no it's a very useful quote but that's the only thing I can think to add about it
Oh gotcha. Yeah it’s literally the case that not only men enforce patriarchy. I believe there was some extra context to the whole “rituals of power” thing that makes it more specific.
I’m glad. You’re not alone, comrade. Feel free to DM if you’d like to dump a little bit.
patriarchal men to enact rituals of power that will assault his self-esteem
this is where I am an expert resister. I am a goddamn psychic commando, try to come at me with your toxic patriarchal shit and I will destroy you with facts, logic AND emotions bitch. your pathetic repressed emotions stand no chance against my empathy honed and tempered in the fires of pain and suffering. I can see through you like glass, while my psyche is locked inside a concrete fortress. I am the anti-toxin. I will overpower your mind and make you submit to ME. I will make you a better person with more emotional intelligence no matter if you want to or not.
this attitude, incidentally, is maybe why I don't get along with other men very well. Good for resisting the patriarchy though.
The most masculine form of anti-patriarchy lol
Fuck you I’ll paint my nails and wear a skirt and feel my emotions if I want because I’m an independent man who does whatever the fuck he wants
Edit: jk I’m not a man. But defiant non-patriarchal masculinity is a BIG mood
I can't overpower a dog. Dogs can bite. I'm terrified of them. They're cute little furballs onto which I can project love, though.
I knew that someone would challenge that one lol. Yeah I have Great Dane and if that boof ever decides to fuck me up I’m done. He accidentally knocks me over sometimes jumping up for loves and I’m pretty big
I get this. Been married for ten years and I still have to work at showing affection. If mirroring what he does with his dog is working that's good he's learning how to show affection.
Toxic masculinity is a bitch to get over, he's at least trying even if he doesn't know it. Thinking of his girlfriend like a dog is probably a bit unhealthy though.
totally. it's always the people who claim to be ungoverned by emotion that are being ruled by them, usually right in that moment. they conflate having a somewhat non-reactive face with being logical.
it's like with propaganda. people who think / say they aren't influenced by it are generally most ensorcelled by it.
i used to imagine myself as a walking, talking science & logic machine. in my late 20s, i was at this listening session for public comment that was getting real heated. and after about the 10th debate bro shitstain in a blue blazer with khakis got up to speak in favor of the bad thing with their "logically" and "rationally" to all our hisses and boos, this little old guy comes up to the mic. then he says, "i've been around for a long time and it's become clear to me logic is a tool we use to justify decisions we have already made on an emotional level." guy was 50 yards away and wasn't even facing my direction, but headshot me all the same.
Same on the "used to think I was emotionless." After some soul searching and therapy, realize I am in fact very empathetic and have strong emotions but I conditioned myself as a child and teenager to suppress that.
I think it's more being uncomfortable with vulnerability than being unemotional
This would be actual Dudes Rock if he decided to act like an affectionate dog
Some of it is him mirroring his dog behavior but I would agree if it all was.
I do the things to her that I do to my dog
:sadness-abysmal:
I get it I was socialised to think that men shouldn't show emotions ever this actually seems healthy
He found the very worst way to describe a real problem. The whole premise is that men are not trained or used to experience human emotion in any meaningful way, which is 100 % correct, and which is also what he has been explicitly told by his GF. And after starting with what seems like all the correct information he arrives at the conclusion that his GF is cattle. It is of course disappointing, but also almost impressive in how wrong it is.
Reads to me like heavy cope that makes his patriarchy-addled brain let him express affection. I’m not allowing myself to be vulnerable around my girlfriend? Must mean I love her less.
Yeah, but the tragic thing is he seems to grasp the basic issue, The problem really is him being unable to emotionally connect to anyone, and that comes across in what he writes. And then he arrives at this conclusion.
iggy pop has already solved this with the masterpiece "i wanna be your dog" don't treat her like a dog become DOG
"He treats me like a DOG!"
"And by that I mean he's loving and dotes on me, it's great."
