Single people are a commodity. When/if a person finds a long term partner on those apps they’re “off the market” and delete the app, so wouldn’t that incentivize the companies to tweak the algorithm towards surface level, meaningless matches that probably won’t work out in the long run?
It is, they just now break up the brands for marketing purposes. I know people who have worked on the marketing for both Tindr and Hinge. They're owned by the same company (Match, along with all the others) and in meetings specifically use each other as messaging differentials. It used to be that dating apps needed to create just enough success stories for them to sell and good matches for it not to seem not-worthwhile for users. Now they've realised they can extend that user-journey by making users jump between apps and brands. I've heard (albiet second hand from people on the marketing side rather than dev) that a decent number of people on the user retention and algorithm side don't just come from social media firms, but increasingly crypto and gambling sites. That probably tells you a lot about how they operate. Then there's the fact that users also vary which aspects of themselves they put forward in their profiles to implicitly best suit the different apps, which also increases the amount of data and grows the personality profile that they have for each user as an added bonus. They actively want you to jump from app to app.
It just felt so formulatic and kinda gross when I tried it once. You post the bio, try to be a bit quirky but not too much, some photos of yourself, some photos of you with others so they know you're not a creep, a photo of you doing something cool and a thirst trap at the end of you look good.
Also I know there's a ton of underage people on there because I knew people in high school lying about their age back when the apps first started and yeah I won't no part in :ancap-good: So many profiles with their age as like 23 but then in the bio it's like "20 not 23"
Making an OD profile reminded me of making a resume in like all the worst ways possible.
Really made me feel like trying to convince someone to date me. Idk but in my mind it shouldn't take convincing, if we have a genuine connection it should happen organically.
Yeah if you have to "convince" someone, it can get one sided real quick and I really don't want to fall into that.
Obviously don't be a slob though and be the best version of yourself and put effort in, but if you're constantly having to prove something, yea no I don't think that's healthy
To me it was always just trying to get a first date and see where it goes from there. I had a bit of luck with those dating apps though, I know it doesn't work for a lot of people. I found that having a little conversation then asking to meet up for a date worked well.
I found it much harder to just walk up to someone at a bar and be like "hey do you want a drink" or whatever, always felt like I was imposing and it was super awkward. Then you have to go through the "convincing" stage anyway, except it's loud as fuck and everyone's drunk
haha, i never thought about it but totally. back when i was 19ish was when everybody suddenly had cellphones. at that time it was protocol to ask for the phone number and then, some short time later, ring them up to ask them out on a specific date (smooth, but serious) or just shoot the shit with them on the phone for a bit to see if you click in conversation (chill).
now calling someone on the phone to ask someone out or, worse, for a chat is like criminal pervert territory, unless it's an older relative or a friend far away without internet.
I wonder if this is different for women. I know several who use Tinder as a self-esteem booster, just opening the app with no intention of pursuing anyone and reveling in the attention.
If you derive your personal self worth by the literal skin-deep appraisal of internet strangers then you are mentally unwell.
That's not a "self-esteem booster" that's you taking a hit of a "virtual drug" because you can't produce your own self-esteem. You literally get high from it and then come crashing back down.
I can't really say. It's about rejecting the superficial things people might say about you and focusing on the things that are important and are under your realistic control.
Do my friends care for me? Do I care for them? Have I used my existence to make the world better even in any kind of sense? How have I improved myself recently?
I have a friend who keeps track of praise/good outcomes/successes, and revisits them when they're not feeling great. They'd keep track of a good grade or successful project outcome, or positive emails/reviews, that sort of thing.
This is a good question and everyone's answer is different probably. For me, I had the resources and willpower to find a good therapist and I went in with the mentality of "this person is going to help me figure myself out so I can appreciate myself more". Going to therapy is one thing, but going in with the mentality of knowing what you want to get out of it is really the best way to see results. There's something different about having a professional person, who you trust, telling you "actually, it's okay to do X." I personally never would've taken friends or family seriously because I was too in my own head about them telling me what I want to hear, and for some reason paying money for that made my therapists advice more legitimate.
Beyond that, self-esteem has the answer in the name. It should come from you, not other people (with the exception of my therapist, who felt like a trusted second opinion). I basically used my therapist to bootstrap my way into understanding that it was harmful to constantly shit talk myself and self-deprecate. So I started turning things around. I used to think it was cringy to think highly of myself but when I finally gave it a try and said to myself "wow, I just took care of myself!" after I tried exercising for the first time in a decade+, I felt like I could actually believe what I was saying. And things kind of started to snowball from there.
Now one other big caveat was me realizing I was trans (turns out heavy denial leads to self-esteem issues, wow), but again, that's where a good therapist can really do wonders.
Experiencing the shock of the online dating world for the first time a year or so after my divorce was absolutely brutal and soul crushing. ...and I say that as someone who fits the superficial standards of online dating for cis men (over six feet, in great shape, blue eyes, etc).
Making an online dating profile literally felt like commodifying and marketing myself. I just stopped it felt so gross
Single people are a commodity. When/if a person finds a long term partner on those apps they’re “off the market” and delete the app, so wouldn’t that incentivize the companies to tweak the algorithm towards surface level, meaningless matches that probably won’t work out in the long run?
I'm pretty sure it's an open secret that they have always done this
It is, they just now break up the brands for marketing purposes. I know people who have worked on the marketing for both Tindr and Hinge. They're owned by the same company (Match, along with all the others) and in meetings specifically use each other as messaging differentials. It used to be that dating apps needed to create just enough success stories for them to sell and good matches for it not to seem not-worthwhile for users. Now they've realised they can extend that user-journey by making users jump between apps and brands. I've heard (albiet second hand from people on the marketing side rather than dev) that a decent number of people on the user retention and algorithm side don't just come from social media firms, but increasingly crypto and gambling sites. That probably tells you a lot about how they operate. Then there's the fact that users also vary which aspects of themselves they put forward in their profiles to implicitly best suit the different apps, which also increases the amount of data and grows the personality profile that they have for each user as an added bonus. They actively want you to jump from app to app.
It just felt so formulatic and kinda gross when I tried it once. You post the bio, try to be a bit quirky but not too much, some photos of yourself, some photos of you with others so they know you're not a creep, a photo of you doing something cool and a thirst trap at the end of you look good.
Also I know there's a ton of underage people on there because I knew people in high school lying about their age back when the apps first started and yeah I won't no part in :ancap-good: So many profiles with their age as like 23 but then in the bio it's like "20 not 23"
Making an OD profile reminded me of making a resume in like all the worst ways possible.
Really made me feel like trying to convince someone to date me. Idk but in my mind it shouldn't take convincing, if we have a genuine connection it should happen organically.
Yeah if you have to "convince" someone, it can get one sided real quick and I really don't want to fall into that.
Obviously don't be a slob though and be the best version of yourself and put effort in, but if you're constantly having to prove something, yea no I don't think that's healthy
To me it was always just trying to get a first date and see where it goes from there. I had a bit of luck with those dating apps though, I know it doesn't work for a lot of people. I found that having a little conversation then asking to meet up for a date worked well.
I found it much harder to just walk up to someone at a bar and be like "hey do you want a drink" or whatever, always felt like I was imposing and it was super awkward. Then you have to go through the "convincing" stage anyway, except it's loud as fuck and everyone's drunk
Tbh I blame online dating for making trying to meet people irl seem weird and odd now
It's the enclosure of the commons but for irl dating
haha, i never thought about it but totally. back when i was 19ish was when everybody suddenly had cellphones. at that time it was protocol to ask for the phone number and then, some short time later, ring them up to ask them out on a specific date (smooth, but serious) or just shoot the shit with them on the phone for a bit to see if you click in conversation (chill).
now calling someone on the phone to ask someone out or, worse, for a chat is like criminal pervert territory, unless it's an older relative or a friend far away without internet.
My own mother won't even call me for a direct conversation. Social media has fucked up communication well beyond dating
I think the dating apps are probably way worse for our mental health than tik tok or facebook or any of that. I know they've sent me spiraling.
I wonder if this is different for women. I know several who use Tinder as a self-esteem booster, just opening the app with no intention of pursuing anyone and reveling in the attention.
If you derive your personal self worth by the literal skin-deep appraisal of internet strangers then you are mentally unwell.
That's not a "self-esteem booster" that's you taking a hit of a "virtual drug" because you can't produce your own self-esteem. You literally get high from it and then come crashing back down.
I was trapped in it once.
And how does one produce one's own self-esteem?
I can't really say. It's about rejecting the superficial things people might say about you and focusing on the things that are important and are under your realistic control.
Do my friends care for me? Do I care for them? Have I used my existence to make the world better even in any kind of sense? How have I improved myself recently?
I have a friend who keeps track of praise/good outcomes/successes, and revisits them when they're not feeling great. They'd keep track of a good grade or successful project outcome, or positive emails/reviews, that sort of thing.
This is a good question and everyone's answer is different probably. For me, I had the resources and willpower to find a good therapist and I went in with the mentality of "this person is going to help me figure myself out so I can appreciate myself more". Going to therapy is one thing, but going in with the mentality of knowing what you want to get out of it is really the best way to see results. There's something different about having a professional person, who you trust, telling you "actually, it's okay to do X." I personally never would've taken friends or family seriously because I was too in my own head about them telling me what I want to hear, and for some reason paying money for that made my therapists advice more legitimate.
Beyond that, self-esteem has the answer in the name. It should come from you, not other people (with the exception of my therapist, who felt like a trusted second opinion). I basically used my therapist to bootstrap my way into understanding that it was harmful to constantly shit talk myself and self-deprecate. So I started turning things around. I used to think it was cringy to think highly of myself but when I finally gave it a try and said to myself "wow, I just took care of myself!" after I tried exercising for the first time in a decade+, I felt like I could actually believe what I was saying. And things kind of started to snowball from there.
Now one other big caveat was me realizing I was trans (turns out heavy denial leads to self-esteem issues, wow), but again, that's where a good therapist can really do wonders.
I totally agree and that's really saying something because instagram/fb/tiktok are super fucked
Experiencing the shock of the online dating world for the first time a year or so after my divorce was absolutely brutal and soul crushing. ...and I say that as someone who fits the superficial standards of online dating for cis men (over six feet, in great shape, blue eyes, etc).
Like Ian McKellen crying on the set of the Hobbit because of the sets being mostly made up of green screens
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