For context, I've done some voice training over the past few years and was really happy about my progress. One night while practicing though my mother was awake when I thought she'd been sleeping and she started insulting my voice. Then in the months after she would consistently yell at me if my voice changed register/pitch even a little bit while talking. I've been unable to do my femme voice without using way too much mental focus since then.

Last night I just out of the blue started crying about my voice and that inability to use it. It's so fucking frustrating to know that I have the ability to do a pretty good femme voice but I just can't use it because of this dumbass mental block. It's not even that I hate having my masc voice; I like having it as a voice, I just hate it being my voice.

I've complained about this to an irl friend before and he just told me how much she loves my (masc) voice. I understand that they meant it as a compliment but I just feel nothing when I hear it. To his credit she seemed to have realised after I explained that it doesn't comfort me, since the last time it happened they just went with an "I'm sorry" which felt better. But people just keep complimenting my masc voice, it genuinely might be the most common compliment I get.

And then I'm stuck here, knowing that I can do a femme voice, having heard and fallen in love with that voice, but I'm unable to replicate it anymore because of some stupid shit my mother said that gave me a mental block. And I just randomly start crying about it sometimes now, I guess.