So, why is this the case? The ultimate goal of online dating apps should be to function as a conduit in creating committed relationships, right? Wrong. The realm of online dating has become a multi-billion dollar industry — an industry that profits primarily off of user addiction, especially by keeping its users single. The way that the industry accomplishes this is twofold, relying on qualities of gamification and what psychologist Barry Schwartz refers to as the “paradox of choice.”

The presence of the choice paradox in online dating is perhaps best understood through the analogy of online shopping. Studies have shown that as shoppers are exposed to more options for potential purchases, they are paradoxically less likely to be satisfied with their ultimate decision. As our brains become inundated with a variety of choices, we often experience choice paralysis: An anxiety-induced state that prevents us from making a resounding decision.

On Tinder, the user’s experience of choice overload has become a frequent occurrence. In the emergence of what some are calling “serial swipers,” many users can be seen displaying strong hesitations to commit to a singular option due to fears of missing out on a potentially better one.

The infiltration of the choice paradox into the realm of relationships is especially dangerous. Unlike the case of online shopping, users aren’t choosing between products, they’re choosing between people. The resulting world of online dating has become a breeding ground for objectification, sexual harassment and insecurity, as choices are increasingly influenced by abundance and appearances rather than genuine compatibility.

The instant gratification offered by each ‘match’ causes the idea of exclusivity to appear unsettling, with many individuals remaining addicted to these apps even in committed relationships. Specifically, 30% of Tinder users are married, and another 12% are in relationships. Because of this, the online dating world has become a hotbed for cheating and noncommittal sex. Users find themselves immersed in an endless, twisted game, where matches and hookups function as points to keep score.

  • Gabbo [they/them]
    ·
    2 years ago

    I have a friend, guy in his early 20s, kind of a nerd but overall a good guy, who gave himself a slight makeover and put himself out there on the dating apps. In six months, the only contact he's gotten is scams, and it is definitely a blow to his self esteem.

    • W_Hexa_W
      ·
      edit-2
      1 year ago

      deleted by creator

    • StewartCopelandsDad [he/him]
      ·
      edit-2
      2 years ago

      the apps are such shit. probably two thirds of the profiles I see are just women trying to get followers for their instagram. then there's the snapchat in bio scammers, the sex workers with a location 1000 miles away. Plus the godawful gender ratio and it's just a horrible demoralizing experience

      I still do it though, I have one (1) semi-regular FWB I met on an app so I guess it's worth it? :/

      • bigboopballs [he/him]
        ·
        2 years ago

        I still do it though, I have one (1) semi-regular FWB I met on an app so I guess it’s worth it? :/

        beats my 0 FWBs so yes it's worth it

    • FourteenEyes [he/him]
      ·
      2 years ago

      So that settles the question for me lol

      Why fucking bother with the apps? Pessimists stay winning (we will still complain tho)

      • StewartCopelandsDad [he/him]
        ·
        edit-2
        2 years ago

        I made a new account in 2022, did 1 or 2 dates a month for a bit. Although I have not been trying as hard, I haven't been on a date with a new person since November. I think the new user boost (and paid boosts) are much more powerful than they used to be, which means established accounts get less visibility.

        • chickentendrils [any, comrade/them]
          ·
          edit-2
          2 years ago

          Long-standing paid accounts and users who hadn't recently paid were relegated to the same bucket generally, but I think OKCupid (at that time at least) let users message each other for free so if that's still true it's probably a much better alternative to Tinder which never let you do that as I recall. (edit: actually I wouldn't be shocked if they just hide messages from certain users to other users entirely, as I recall they were literally showing unpaid user profiles to people on the other side of the planet or fabricating likes entirely to get people to pay for it, to the point someone might have "30 likes" within a day of their payment lapsing, renew, and only see one or zero)

          I would assume whatever Tinder did is what OKCupid did while I knew someone who worked there since Match owned both by that time. New accounts and newly paid accounts were the only way for men's profiles to be shown to the top 50% of profiles (based on swipes no generated by spam swipers or something to that effect).

          • StewartCopelandsDad [he/him]
            ·
            2 years ago

            IIRC, tinder has never let you message people before matching but once you do there's no restrictions. I've used Google Play credits on a few apps and they're definitely doing what you describe with fake likes. In particular, Tinder shows "18 people liked you" but that number does not go down when I swipe left on someone who liked me (and it plays the "you missed a match" microtransaction thing).

            New accounts and newly paid accounts were the only way for men’s profiles to be shown to the top 50% of profiles

            holy shit lol

            • AllCatsAreBeautiful [he/him]
              ·
              2 years ago

              Tinder shows "18 people liked you"

              They love to fluff it up by saying "Hey look, 18 people liked you! We know you didn't like any of them, but they liked you so that counts!"

    • Dimmer06 [he/him,comrade/them]
      ·
      2 years ago

      I was on Tinder once and it was awful. Not really for my self esteem, but I was completely addicted to it. Had it gone longer than two months it probably would have done a dent in my self esteem though. I've been wondering if I should set up on Hinge or something like that and I'm worried it will go the same way.

      • chickentendrils [any, comrade/them]
        ·
        2 years ago

        Hinge

        Apparently it's owned by Match as well, but I would assume it works marginally better than Tinder. Tinder seems to be the cash cow roulette/online shopping experience that's not intended to generate any matches other than by accident. The other "brands" are just slightly less shitty variants of that. There might be some genuine attempts at matchmaking services (OKCupid pre-Match acquisition) but without the large user base they probably just won't be very effective.

        • Dimmer06 [he/him,comrade/them]
          ·
          edit-2
          2 years ago

          Yeah a friend who uses dating apps quite successfully (over six foot muscular dude in med school) said Hinge was the most personal of the dating apps he used which is why I've been considering it. As kind of the opposite of a six foot muscular doctor-in-training, I probably won't have much luck on Tinder. Not gonna hold my breath for Hinge either but maybe this summer if I can work off the dad bod a little I'll try it.

    • waterfox [none/use name]
      ·
      2 years ago

      Women on those dating apps don't bother with the bottom 90% of men. They cluster very heavily towards the top 5-10%, and any man below this threshold will get very little interest. If you're below average then don't even bother, for you dating apps are a total waste of everyone's time.

      • Gabbo [they/them]
        ·
        2 years ago

        That has certainly been my average-looking-and-short friend's experience.

      • berrytopylus [she/her,they/them]
        ·
        edit-2
        2 years ago

        That's true, but the good news is even just basic things like clearly being hygenic and clean already puts you above a very good number of men on the site. Any sort of politeness? Boom, another jump right there. A good picture with good angle? Nice, a big leap there too.

        You're still likely going to have trouble with the app anyway, but it won't be as bad as the troubles most people have. At the end of the day though, dating apps still suck. Encourage such weird ass pettiness based off first impressions and looks.

      • robot_dog_with_gun [they/them]
        ·
        2 years ago

        absolutely not happy but the process of trying to change that is guaranteed emotional self-harm. Might as well buy lotto scratch-offs.

    • teddiursa [she/her]
      ·
      2 years ago

      Why doesn’t he try to meet people outside of dating apps then. No one is forced to use dating apps

  • culpritus [any]
    ·
    2 years ago

    Wake up baby.

    Time to repost the survey of E and W Germany showing the quality of women's sex lives was significantly better in E Germany.

  • UlyssesT [he/him]
    ·
    2 years ago

    Making people miserable so they aren't satisfied with any particular product and feel the urge to buy more product :capitalist-laugh:

    • LGOrcStreetSamurai [he/him]
      ·
      edit-2
      2 years ago

      :capitalist-woke: it’s also so gross that capital makes sure there is a dating platform for everyone to feel unfulfilled. It so bonkers to me how they micro-target each social group/subculture/gender/sexuality and still manage to universally fail each group. :capitalist-laugh:

  • Coolkidbozzy [he/him]
    ·
    edit-2
    2 years ago

    I don't think I'm unattractive (tall, white, young, average physically active dude w/ no muscles bc I dislike the gym) but I very rarely get likes on the apps anymore

    Partially my own fault but I haven't dated anyone in 6 months bc at least 95% of conversations are like 1-2 messages then radio silence. Most bios contain no information about things that are important to me like hobbies, and I'm uncomfortable with flirting 🤷‍♂️

    I think hinge is the best one but all of them suck

    30% of users being married is absolutely wild to me lmao

        • bigboopballs [he/him]
          ·
          2 years ago

          Legit, if you have basic hygiene, plain shirts and pants, an OK picture, and aren’t an absolute psychopath, you ARE in the top 5% of men.

          cool, I have all of this except understanding how to take a good picture.

          • Kuori [she/her]
            ·
            2 years ago

            maybe you could ask a friend who's good at social media to snap a few pictures of you?

            • bigboopballs [he/him]
              ·
              edit-2
              2 years ago

              I haven't had a friend IRL for like 14 years :deeper-sadness:

              literally nobody to snap a picture of me or even hang out with...

              • Kuori [she/her]
                ·
                2 years ago

                :agony-deep: sorry to hit a sore spot comrade.

                • bigboopballs [he/him]
                  ·
                  2 years ago

                  oh no, it's fine. I just don't even know where to begin fixing myself. lol

        • waterfox [none/use name]
          ·
          edit-2
          2 years ago

          You're not disproving my point, you know.

          Heck, I only said 80%, you've upped that to 95%.

          :yea:

          • kristina [she/her]
            ·
            edit-2
            2 years ago

            Yeah but it isnt hard to be in the top 5%. Like, it really isnt.

                • waterfox [none/use name]
                  ·
                  2 years ago

                  It's going to be difficult for any man to be in the top 5% no matter what. That's how percentages work.

                  • kristina [she/her]
                    ·
                    2 years ago

                    as soon as men stop sending casual threats of violence to women that scale would be re-evaluated. dont be so fucking stupid.

                    • waterfox [none/use name]
                      ·
                      2 years ago

                      The top 5% will always be the top 5%. The bottom 95% will always be there. You can't suddenly put 50% of men into the top 5%. You can re-evaluate all you want and percentages don't change.

                      Don't call me fucking stupid. What we have here is innumeracy.

                  • infuziSporg [e/em/eir]
                    ·
                    2 years ago

                    We are posting in a forum that is very inclusive but kinda selects for people in the top 5% of geographic and historical literacy. Less than 1% of people can really be said to be like us. We're used to this idea.

              • crime [she/her, any]
                ·
                2 years ago

                Possible for virtually all the children to be above average if there's one child that catastrophically sucks

          • kristina [she/her]
            ·
            2 years ago

            If you wear just a basic tshirt and pants that are clean thats fine. Be sure they fit you right and youre all good.

      • stinky [any]
        ·
        2 years ago

        And it gets worse if you’re not white. Yeah, it’s just “preferences” that people (not just women) find non-white people less attractive on average. Nothing to do with white supremacy at all.

    • 2Password2Remember [he/him]
      ·
      2 years ago

      yeah as a fellow reasonably attractive young white guy, I get next to no likes outside of the first like 24 hours where the app shows your profile to everybody to try to get you hooked.

      if you don't pay, you're gonna get nothing from the app, no matter what you look like, bc they just won't show your profile to anybody. insidious and evil, but thankfully we live in the best of all possible worlds, so we know that there's no way these apps could be better

      Death to America

    • ZoomeristLeninist [comrade/them, she/her]M
      ·
      edit-2
      2 years ago

      i hate flirting too. and had the same frustrations with no one putting their interests in their bio (or even having a bio). i find it helped to start with a genuine, specific compliment abt one of their pictures (obv not a creepy one, and dont make it solely abt their attractiveness) and then start asking abt their interests (what do you do for fun?/whats ur ideal day off?) and talk abt those. hinge is kinda cringe imo, most ppl i saw there were conservative, orange, white women. i met my gf on bumble and next month we celebrate our 1 year!!

    • Phish [he/him, any]
      ·
      2 years ago

      30% seems so high lol. I see people I know from real life on dating apps like once a week... Are they not getting caught?

  • Beaver [he/him]
    ·
    2 years ago

    They're a symptom of the unlivable society we live in. It's difficult for atomized individuals to find friends, to say nothing of a life partner.

    And as usual, the crutch is to use technology to do matchmaking for you (not unlike how a human matchmaker might have done that in an atomized rural society). But a capitalist society can't even get *that * right, because of course it's also gotta a be an extractive scammy skinner box.

  • kristina [she/her]
    ·
    2 years ago

    Found the communist bf of my dreams via a search feature on a dating app :shrug-outta-hecks:

    • hexaflexagonbear [he/him]
      ·
      edit-2
      2 years ago

      Searching "communist" getting mad at the results and checking if the app has a way to filter out revisionists.

      • TerminalEncounter [she/her]
        ·
        edit-2
        2 years ago

        It should be part of the questions they ask you before the algorithm sorts everyone, oh are you religious, do you want kids, do you support the 1956 USSR intervention into Hungary, do you like to try new things or stick with a routine, how do you feel about building bunkers...

        • HornyOnMain
          ·
          2 years ago

          Captcha where it's a picture of various historic communists and says "Select all squares containing revisionists"

    • GaveUp [she/her]
      ·
      2 years ago

      There are dating apps with search?

      I've never considered using one but now I'm intrigued, which one is this?

  • gaycomputeruser [she/her]M
    ·
    2 years ago

    It's fucking wild how you can tell someone this is the case, prove it to them, and they believe you. And then they go back to the same old habits.

    • S4ck [none/use name]
      ·
      2 years ago

      I still sometimes feel like I could find a better match and I've been in a relationship for the past 6 months with a loving, healthy, partner.

      I don't know if that feeling is due to their lack of political awareness, or if it's because I've spent endless hours over the last decade swiping on an apps like Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge. This post does oddly hits close to home though.

      • ZoomeristLeninist [comrade/them, she/her]M
        ·
        2 years ago

        grass always seems greener on the other side. viewing a relationship as something you have to optimize for maximum value takes the meaning out of it. if they arent politically aware enough for you, help them gain class consciousness. if you love them, they make you happy, and you have a healthy relationship then there isnt a problem! the dating apps want you to think theres a problem. you might feel boredom but literally everyone feels that sometimes, you just gotta do something to make things more exciting! take an art class together, find a new place to enjoy nature with them. there are plenty of valid reasons to break up with someone but thinking you can get a "better" partner is dangerous thinking. not ur fault, dating apps are designed to make us think this

        • S4ck [none/use name]
          ·
          edit-2
          2 years ago

          I recognize that for sure. It's tough to talk politics with someone who is a generally happy, but mildly unaware, person without coming off like a buzzkill. That's the only hold up for me.

          It's like "Hey! You should listen to this really good podcast about how the US has been murdering people all of the world for the last 300 years."

          Her: .....mmm....ok maybe

          • ZoomeristLeninist [comrade/them, she/her]M
            ·
            2 years ago

            yeah i feel ya. its ridiculously hard to cut through the propaganda. just think of all the stuff you had to unlearn to get to where you are. its not something you do all at once. just try to incorporate radicalizing information in ur conversations and if she expresses interest you can expand on it. the other day my gf said something abt how stealing from corporations is ok but not small businesses and i went into how some small business owners are just as tyrannical as corporate management and how they steal the labor of their workers regardless of the size of their business

            • S4ck [none/use name]
              ·
              edit-2
              2 years ago

              Not to get too off track, but I feel like we're having a conversation and I just smoked a bowl:

              Get this, she's a small business owner. Right now she contracts some of her invoicing work out to the Phillipines. She's looking to grow her business this year to allow her to have more money/time to travel and that should also allow her focus more on the creative side of her business. What I'm hoping is that I can use this as an opportunity to educate her on what she is actually doing, which is the engaging in the exploitation of the global working class.

              Maybe from there, I can try to radicalize her a bit.

              • ZoomeristLeninist [comrade/them, she/her]M
                ·
                2 years ago

                oh damn. i kinda assumed she was a prole. but that means educating her is gonna be a lot more of an uphill battle bc imperialism directly benefits her material position. still not impossible, she might just need some reminding that labor in the Philippines is so cheap bc of years of devastation and expropriation by western firms and militaries. also that the ppl she hires are actual ppl who are just trying to survive in a colonized country

                idk tho, it sounds like a tough situation, hope it goes well!

                • S4ck [none/use name]
                  ·
                  edit-2
                  2 years ago

                  The main thought I had would be to have her write down how much she thinks she could expect her business to grow and then have her compare how much her new workers would be getting paid. Then I could ask her if she thinks that it's a fair deal that her workers are adding so much to the business and only getting a fraction.

                  A good person would say it isn't fair, so I'm hoping she agrees.

  • StewartCopelandsDad [he/him]
    ·
    2 years ago

    Specifically, 30% of Tinder users are married, and another 12% are in relationships.

    wow! source is this article, which takes it from a GWI survey.

    Our findings were based on an online survey among 95,118 internet users aged 16-64. Drawn from 34 different markets, there were 1,282 adults within this sample who said they had used Tinder in the last month.

    chart says UK & USA: 66% single 21% married 9% relationship 4% previously married. different globally.

    Wish GWI had bothered to ask whether the respondents were in open relationships or not, this is pretty useless otherwise.


    Anyway wrt the article:

    The instant gratification offered by each ‘match’ causes the idea of exclusivity to appear unsettling, with many individuals remaining addicted to these apps even in committed relationships.

    90% of men who use Tinder - and probably women - know that the little dopamine boost from getting a match is not at all worth the time spent swiping. What you're after is going on a date and you like each other.

    Also, frankly, I've "settled" for a partner before and it very predictably ended in heartache. The presented argument against "serial swipers" (is this even a thing?) is practically an argument for settling.

    I think this article is backwards. Apps have an incentive to keep you swiping, yes. Are they the reason people are turning to apps to meet partners in the first place? No, I don't think so. Common social spaces have been disappearing for decades. The mall is gone, the church is dwindling (especially for young people, primary Tinder users), social clubs are gone. Who hangs out in a bar to meet people in 2023? To my mind, internet is papering over spaces where genuine social connections used to be, and meetup apps are an expression of that. Bowling Alone thesis is trite at this point but it seems correct.

    • Llituro [he/him, they/them]
      ·
      2 years ago

      I think this article is backwards. Apps have an incentive to keep you swiping, yes. Are they the reason people are turning to apps to meet partners in the first place? No, I don’t think so. Common social spaces have been disappearing for decades. The mall is gone, the church is dwindling (especially for young people, primary Tinder users), social clubs are gone. Who hangs out in a bar to meet people in 2023? To my mind, internet is papering over spaces where genuine social connections used to be, and meetup apps are an expression of that. Bowling Alone thesis is trite at this point but it seems correct.

      100%. the commons are more closed than ever before, it's not the gamification of the app that is the driver of the problem, it's that the app in itself is a symptom of an underlying contradiction regardless of the actual content of the app. it's why hinge and tinder have the same problem despite wildly different goals and marketing. the medium is the message after all, and the message here is that you're dead inside anyway, so you might as well meet the people that will disappoint you on your phone first rather than having to touch grass to even have a chance at meeting someone.

  • ShimmeringKoi [comrade/them]
    ·
    2 years ago

    Unlike the case of online shopping, users aren’t choosing between products, they’re choosing between people

    :marx: :i-told-you-dog:

  • ilyenkov [she/her, they/them]
    ·
    2 years ago

    I have never used one of these, but been thinking of it. Not really sure how else you are supposed to meet people interested in a relationship. Like, in all of my time spent in bars and shit, I've never seen strangers trying to get to know each other and shit. People come with groups of friends, and hang out with them. The idea of walking up to someone I don't know in a loud-ass bar and like trying to flirt just seems absurd.

    • teddiursa [she/her]
      ·
      2 years ago

      I see it happen a lot. I’ve seen people approach and talk to new people at bars, concerts, etc. Mostly platonically

        • AllCatsAreBeautiful [he/him]
          ·
          2 years ago

          I typically go to dives and play darts or billiards and those lend themselves to socializing. The smoking area and bar are also places to meet people.

  • MiraculousMM [he/him, any]
    ·
    2 years ago

    So glad I stopped using that shit. Modern dating is a nightmare and I'd rather be single for the rest of my life than wade back into that nonsense