Someone here posted this article a while back which inspired me to be more conscious of myself as a figure in the lives of people I know. I'm curious if anyone has any other resources about related topics.
Personal rant: For a very long time I was a fairly outgoing and highly social person but since I’ve entered the work world (remote the majority of the time) I’ve noticed myself just becoming wayyyyy worse at personal interactions (lack of things to say, getting distracted in conversation, just generally becoming more antisocial/intimidated by talking to people). As part of a communist plot to make myself a better person, I’m trying to redevelop myself socially.
I plan on getting more involved in socialist orgs this summer, so there is an organizing advantage to improving in this respect too.
Figured I would ask here because I fear I would just get “read how to win friends and influence people" (I actually did read this at one point in early high school lol) or weird PUA-type social manipulation tips from many other places.
Thanks, gang!
Hover around more extrovert people and copy then in your later conversations
Unironically is what I do
Oh boy gonna throw some Kant into this. But it's advice I use, but still struggle with. Treat people as the end goal, not a means to an end.
So make connections and meet people for the sake of building that relationship, take a step back from your social needs and desires and instead focus on the relationship as a whole, and how you can be more impactful in your role to them. Sometimes this means moving on and away from them.
On the flip side, kind of goes against that first bit, but it is a skill, and one that builds with time and experience. Put yourself out there more and increase your social interactions through brute force. Go to a bar or something and be open to talking to the bar tender or others at the (physical) bar. Find group events, join classes if you can. If you have a fairly social friend (that one person who always seems to meet and befriend strangers), ask them if you can tag along and try and learn from them and engage with them.
Personally I notice myself struggling with this and have found my social skills lacking, even virtually as I am over critical of myself and will most often not engage. But face-to-face.... it's easier to just dive in.
Obviously there's some neurotypical and ablest scopes here. If someone struggles to read social cues you may just be harassing people and thinking you're improving. Or you may not be able to go out and interact face to face, or some may not feel or be safe in public without a support system.
How to win friends and influence people, is a lot more focused on the second part, and goes against Kants philosophy on people as the end. It's more.... how to take advantage of human traits. Which.... is a thing and is usefull, but it's also mastabatory and the same vibes as CIA micro-movement shit. Mostly horseshit, that most people can see through. Like I have ADHD, I fucking love rambling and can do it all day. But the people who stick in my mind are not the ones that "let me talk about myself", they're the ones that have passion in what they're talking about and have clearly thought about things critically. They're people that make my dumb brain stop and say "damn" and pay attention. That maybe a tall/impossible order, but I remember these conversations and people for years. Someone who let me ramble yesterday... couldn't pick them out of a crowd.
I guess ultimately, depending on where you're starting.... just try and take a step back, and just try and enjoy yourself. You'll be much better at social interactions if you're not over analyzing everything.
To be honest some books have decent tips, so it may be worth looking about.
The tip I was always given was: Ask questions, people love to talk about themselves.
I have this pet theory that social skills aren't real. There's some nuance in knowing when a conversation is getting serious (e.g. when to use formal language. when to shut the fuck up and listen), but there's no such thing as more-correct words, timings, cadences, body languages, or subject matters. Most social problems come from some kind of expectation of how the conversation is supposed to go. For example, there's this evergreen conversation to be had about being approached by your gym crush right after you finish the set. I'd say the mind space you need to talk to someone is so different than the mind space you need to focus on a heavy lift. So when your crush comes up and says "hi" and you say "you too," it would be a fools game to try and get better at quickly switching mind spaces. There was no incorrect strategy involved. You're supposed to feel those butterflies and, on average, it's supposed to be difficult to be witty while you're focused on a task. Trying to keep eye contact and speak while adrenaline is pumping seems more like a Mario Party mini game than a serious task.
Some people don't want to be talked to: maybe they're busy, they're in the wrong mind space, they think you look weird, etc. But for my money, having a good conversation doesn't feel like it's the result of getting some kind of timing down, having practiced the more-correct words, or coming in with some sort of strategy. It seems to be by virtue of finding someone who wants to talk to me, listening to them, and responding to them. It's no great venture, it's what you do to pass the time. Talking to someone who wants to talk is no more difficult than eating food. Talking to someone who doesn't want to talk seems more futile than trying to outwork Sisyphus.
Thoughts?
Tbh it’s kinda like getting better at any skill. You just gotta practice as much as possible. My parents were really overprotective in my younger years so that stunted a lot of my social growth. I was always singled out as the quiet kid that never talked in school and it was about as bad as you’d imagine. Over time I just ended up trying to initiate conversation more and find people with the same interests as me.
Reddit is filled to the brim with crap but if I were you - I'd still look around and see if there's a sub related to what you're looking for. At the sub the easiest thing to do is skip that page and instead go to the "top" link and sort by "all time". That's usually how I quickly judge a sub.
Wish I knew. I will give you a simulation of how I think about social situations and maybe you at least find it somewhat relatable so you know you’re not alone in your difficulties with conversation
Guy says something to me at work that I take the wrong way
Me to my friends: “I’m not sure how to respond to this”
Friends: gives me advice (I then repeatedly question myself because this advice seems so simple I feel like I’m a toddler being told how to play nice with others)
Wasn’t always like this btw. Feel like Covid fucked my brain up
As we all know the best way to become sociable is to read books alone in your room like a nerd :very-smart:
Take it from a socially challenged introverted dork: what you really need is practice, in a safe setting where you can make mistakes and get intelligent feedback on it. For me that came in the form of group social skills coaching over Zoom. Helped me immensely in seeing my real nasty spots and grind them away. I'm happier now. Still socially anxious but for more able to be at ease with people in a quiet setting.
