A common binary trans consideration that I have the hardest time relating to as a non-binary trans person is a burning desire to pass as the gender that one identifies with.
I'm androgynous, and I continue to become more androgynous with time and pills. I don't want to change the way I wear my clothing, what hairstyle I have, or even how my body looks, in whatever ways I can modify it by choice, to fit into a mold of "passing." Of course, there's nothing wrong with desiring to pass as the gender you identify as, but it's a feeling that I cannot relate to at all. It's a common example of non-binary erasure that I witness because so many people think every trans person has themselves fixated on a single goal of passing, and so many people think that's what matters the most. It's odd to work around because passing means nothing to me, hence the title of me saying it's N/A.
I don't tie myself to the gender binary in any way, so there's no way I can tie myself to cisnormative concepts of what I want to "pass" as. I feel content with this internally, but it has raised a few concerns externally:
- Getting Shoved into a Box: Unfortunately, some people just can't accept that some people reject the gender binary that many see as rigid. When I explicitly manifest my gender presentation as something outside of the binary, people can't leave it at that. People still must know "Are you a man or a woman?" somehow!
- Being Misunderstood: This isn't just a cis people thing. I've encountered other trans people who have a hard time grasping my lack of interest in passing. It has oftentimes manifested maliciously, with some of them accusing me of denying a desire of pass simply because passing is challenging, which is interesting because the truth is that I simply have no desire to. Obviously, projection isn't a sound basis for a definitive claim, so it's fairly easy for me to reject this, as it speaks more on their unfortunate insecurities rather than it does on anything to do with me as a person.
- Navigating Binary Standards: This is similar to the "Getting Shoved into a Box" point, but it's less about people and more about the things society has put in place as a result of the binary: bathrooms, clothing, healthcare, and definitely "legal" gender are all important things that refer to this category.
As you can see, this gets pretty damn frustrating. I always feel weirded out by how these norms matter so damn much to other people and the society that has been built, to a point where I can't simply be a vibin' androgynous enby.
Bottom line is this: being someone like me is the best way to properly grasp how bad people are at minding their own damn business.
I mean, it sounds like you're still trying to pass but as nonbinary rather than as a binary gender. Passing is just people see you and assume you to be the gender you are, not just looking like a man or woman. It's a bit less defined because NB isn't really ingrained into society/culture gender roles vs man and women, but people are confused about "are you a man or woman" that kind of means you are passing as NB because they don't really see you as either. Not passing means you get Sir-ed or Ma'am-ed all the time incorrectly and that definitely doesn't seem like a thing you want based on what you are saying. If you define passing different to me though, what you're saying makes sense.
I'd very much prefer for you to not describe it that way. That does not make me comfortable, and it still feels like it has the same energy of people trying to shove me into this concept of "passing" that, in my eyes, I do not relate to at all. That's the very point of my post. I wouldn't say I'm trying to "pass as non-binary." I'm just trying to be myself, and that just happens to manifest as me being androgynous, which you may view as the "same outcome" but there's definitely an entirely different thought process. It's not about how others view me; it's about how I view myself, and I can only view myself in a comfortable way if I differentiate from cisnormative and binarist ideas of what a man and a woman is. I have no idea of what I'm trying to "pass as" to others, just what makes me happy for myself.