A common binary trans consideration that I have the hardest time relating to as a non-binary trans person is a burning desire to pass as the gender that one identifies with.
I'm androgynous, and I continue to become more androgynous with time and pills. I don't want to change the way I wear my clothing, what hairstyle I have, or even how my body looks, in whatever ways I can modify it by choice, to fit into a mold of "passing." Of course, there's nothing wrong with desiring to pass as the gender you identify as, but it's a feeling that I cannot relate to at all. It's a common example of non-binary erasure that I witness because so many people think every trans person has themselves fixated on a single goal of passing, and so many people think that's what matters the most. It's odd to work around because passing means nothing to me, hence the title of me saying it's N/A.
I don't tie myself to the gender binary in any way, so there's no way I can tie myself to cisnormative concepts of what I want to "pass" as. I feel content with this internally, but it has raised a few concerns externally:
- Getting Shoved into a Box: Unfortunately, some people just can't accept that some people reject the gender binary that many see as rigid. When I explicitly manifest my gender presentation as something outside of the binary, people can't leave it at that. People still must know "Are you a man or a woman?" somehow!
- Being Misunderstood: This isn't just a cis people thing. I've encountered other trans people who have a hard time grasping my lack of interest in passing. It has oftentimes manifested maliciously, with some of them accusing me of denying a desire of pass simply because passing is challenging, which is interesting because the truth is that I simply have no desire to. Obviously, projection isn't a sound basis for a definitive claim, so it's fairly easy for me to reject this, as it speaks more on their unfortunate insecurities rather than it does on anything to do with me as a person.
- Navigating Binary Standards: This is similar to the "Getting Shoved into a Box" point, but it's less about people and more about the things society has put in place as a result of the binary: bathrooms, clothing, healthcare, and definitely "legal" gender are all important things that refer to this category.
As you can see, this gets pretty damn frustrating. I always feel weirded out by how these norms matter so damn much to other people and the society that has been built, to a point where I can't simply be a vibin' androgynous enby.
Bottom line is this: being someone like me is the best way to properly grasp how bad people are at minding their own damn business.
A common binary trans consideration that I have the hardest time relating to as a non-binary trans person is a burning desire to pass as the gender that one identifies with.
As a nonbinary transfem who is very closely ajacent to what is commonly referred to as "binary trans womanhood", i really struggle with the way many other nonbinary people frame issues of cissexism, passing obsession, transmedicalism, lack of self worth, excessive and unwarranted shame and internalized transmisogyny as "a binary thing" instead of as "a deeply brainwormed thing". These desires are not inherent to "binary" transness, they are inherent to the ruling discourse about what the trans experience has to be like, which is a discourse that purposely exists only within the safeguards of binary gender roles. But i see many of these assumptions bleeding into nonbinary spaces as well. The underlying, toxic desire to be cis, to hate one's transness, to reject one's body for not meeting (cis)normative standards of beauty is present in both cases, and it is the main obstacle to trans joy in both cases as well.
I'm not trying to operate under the assumption that things are absolute in my experiences as a non-binary person. I'm wholeheartedly aware that non-binary people can experience their gender and presentation similar to yours. It's just that, in my case in particular, I relate this struggle to my sense of being non-binary.
I don't have any intent to invalidate anyone, but I'm still frustrated that this type of misunderstanding has definitely come from binary trans people the most. Yes, all of the issues you listed can be things that non-binary people can struggle with. No, I do not struggle with them myself, but I'm also not trying to speak on my experience as universal, just in a way that it operates for me personally, which I'm relating to how I understand my sense of gender in me being non-binary, and not in an effort to invalidate anyone else's.
I don't have an intrinsic desire to pass as some sort of cis person, but I do have external motivators like discriminating or people thinking I dressed a certain way because it's seen an a joke (just confusing people about my gender would perhaps be enough to fix that tho?). I'd rather society not be discriminatory or have gendered expectations at all, but that's a lot harder to achieve.
Fair point! For me, that's not so workable because shoving myself into passing in a binary role would be immensely distressing to a point where I absolutely would not and can not take it over presenting the way I truly want to.
I mean, it sounds like you're still trying to pass but as nonbinary rather than as a binary gender. Passing is just people see you and assume you to be the gender you are, not just looking like a man or woman. It's a bit less defined because NB isn't really ingrained into society/culture gender roles vs man and women, but people are confused about "are you a man or woman" that kind of means you are passing as NB because they don't really see you as either. Not passing means you get Sir-ed or Ma'am-ed all the time incorrectly and that definitely doesn't seem like a thing you want based on what you are saying. If you define passing different to me though, what you're saying makes sense.
I'd very much prefer for you to not describe it that way. That does not make me comfortable, and it still feels like it has the same energy of people trying to shove me into this concept of "passing" that, in my eyes, I do not relate to at all. That's the very point of my post. I wouldn't say I'm trying to "pass as non-binary." I'm just trying to be myself, and that just happens to manifest as me being androgynous, which you may view as the "same outcome" but there's definitely an entirely different thought process. It's not about how others view me; it's about how I view myself, and I can only view myself in a comfortable way if I differentiate from cisnormative and binarist ideas of what a man and a woman is. I have no idea of what I'm trying to "pass as" to others, just what makes me happy for myself.
It's a vague feeling I have as well. It's strange how this isn't talked about a lot. If being trans is, in a way, rejecting the gender binary, then why are some trans people so obsessed with fitting into it?
