It's ruining my life. And the irony is it's the only way to dissociate from bad things. At least it seems like that's the only way. Feels like the snake that eats its own tail.
Edit: thank you all for the good advice and support. It means a lot. I love my comrades. 
This doesn't work for everyone but you could try kratom if it's legal where you are, taking a dose in the morning and after work almost completely kills my urge to drink. People do say it can become addictive so take that with a grain of salt but I've never had that issue, and it's a lot easier on my bank account than alcohol if you order it online.
I'd highly advocate against doing this, since kratom can also be addictive.
I understand people react differently to things but I don't even understand how you can get addicted to it, I get nauseous if I take too much and it becomes unpleasant real quick.
It might be a matter of slowly dosing and titrating up, and once you get those opiate like effects that's probably when it becomes addictive. I do now one person who got very addicted. Like you said your mileage may vary though. I wanted the opiate high from it but always got sick on even small doses so never got there
Yeah I know a guy that said he was straight hooked and if you have issues with abusing pain killers then I would recommend against it, I just personally never had those issues even after dosing a couple times a day for most of a year. There seems to be a real cutoff point where I get a lot of positives from it until I increase the dosage and then I'm nauseous/drowsy.
I second everything you said. I've taken kratom for almost a decade and even when I stopped for a month or so at a time I've only had withdraw from it once and even then it wasn't as bad as caffeine withdraw.
I don't even really view it as a recreational substance because the buzz is almost imperceptible, but as a anxiety medication and pain killer that also curbs my more unhealthy impulses its amazing.
Yeah that's exactly what I use it for. The relief is much more relaxing than any buzz.
Psilocybin does too, along with cutting nicotine cravings. I get no pleasure from either on a microdose.