Like I've known since the early-mid 10's, but I've only really ever been trans online.
I've just stagnated in boymode for years taking shit dosages of HRT cuz I'm poor.
Seeing people's eggs crack in real time and then a year later they are a woman is like a surreal and painful experience.
On one hand it feels like I have been trans longer than all these people, but on the other....have I?
I see people make timelines like "5 months on HRT vs. 2 years on HRT" (or stuff like that) and know I could never do one of those because my relationship to HRT has been so chaotic and inconsistent.
I just feel so alienated from the trans community, or at least the one that constantly gets pushed into my face on Twitter.
I'm making an active effort to be better, to push myself and escape this purgatory, but it's hard when you feel so by yourself.
I feel like the last couple years would have been so much worse if I had remained an egg, but at the same time I wouldn't have this guilt and shame and regret for wasting so much time that I know is completely my fault.
Idk why I am making this post
not for nearly as long, only a few years now, but i've been in a similar position. at a point where even boymoding outside i worry i'm just being seen as a non-passing trenny. i guess i've been telling myself that there's never going to be a point where i just start to be able to pass, hrt doesn't work like that. no matter what i do there's going to be an awkward phase where even with my best efforts i'll be socially out but non-passing. and that if i have a chance to pass i'm hurting myself by not getting that awkward phase outta the way now. maybe i'm putting too much emphasis on passing. plus telling myself this shit hasn't helped me so idk what i'm trying to say. brainworms suck. hope it gets better for the both of us. <3