Like I've known since the early-mid 10's, but I've only really ever been trans online.
I've just stagnated in boymode for years taking shit dosages of HRT cuz I'm poor.
Seeing people's eggs crack in real time and then a year later they are a woman is like a surreal and painful experience.
On one hand it feels like I have been trans longer than all these people, but on the other....have I?
I see people make timelines like "5 months on HRT vs. 2 years on HRT" (or stuff like that) and know I could never do one of those because my relationship to HRT has been so chaotic and inconsistent.
I just feel so alienated from the trans community, or at least the one that constantly gets pushed into my face on Twitter.
I'm making an active effort to be better, to push myself and escape this purgatory, but it's hard when you feel so by yourself.
I feel like the last couple years would have been so much worse if I had remained an egg, but at the same time I wouldn't have this guilt and shame and regret for wasting so much time that I know is completely my fault.
Idk why I am making this post
Looking at trans timelines is the mind killer tbh. Stop doing that.
Its useful for like, surgical info or understanding what hrt does, but it should also be noted a lot of people choose their best pics to upload and so on, the Instagram effect.
I don't seek them out, I just get shown them because I am trans and other trans people on twitter are attention addicts.
I need to learn this. I joined a trans selfies group on Facebook and found myself being like, “wait where are the before pictures?”
Absolute
fwiw, it's fairly cheap and easy to mix up a bunch of injectable HRT at home compared to paying regular price or buying grey market pills. Enough to last years at high dosage. and I'd 1000% support a !mutual_aid@hexbear.net post to raise some cash to order you the supplies if the upfront cost is too much.
diy links
https://groups.io/g/MTFHRT/wiki/29602 - great resource on buying supplies and mixing up vials. I don't take it as gospel especially around dosage, but the advice is very practical and down to earth
more generic info is all over this site (specifically linking their dosage chart but if you haven't already seen it the whole site is great.) https://transfemscience.org/articles/transfem-intro/#additional-notes
https://dragonordnance.com/goods?code=08101305637 - the good shit
https://dragonordnance.com/goods?code=11224739544 and https://dragonordnance.com/goods?code=11524742447 - preservative and oil to dissolve it into
https://www.ebay.com/itm/155864019917 - vials
There are alternate sources for most of this stuff too, might be possible to get it a bit cheaper.
Get a milligram scale and buy some insulin needles and you're off to the races, and you can set your own dosage and not worry about running out for a long time.
But also comparing yourself to other people on twitter is probably a recipe for pain no matter what. What's been helping me is seeing other out, proud, "imperfect" trans people IRL. Sure, some of them have body features I'm jealous of and may never have, but the opposite is also true, many would probably feel the same about me, and regardless they still are all just living their best lives, accepting each other and fostering joy and community. I also don't feel at home in that community IRL yet, but its not for lack of people being welcoming, it's my own thing to work out. Personally I'd say ditch twitter entirely but ik some people have valued social connections there.
Oh I am on actual good doses now, I'm fine in that regard I think.
Honestly, I am probably lucky in a lot of ways and I am sure there would be other trans people who would curse my name for being 5'3 or having good hair or some other feature.
But like...I've just never been able to take the leap into socially transitioning until recently.
I have too much fear and body image issues, I can't bring myself to look at my reflection (it's probably been years since I have) and I feel anxious just leaving the house in a t-shirt and leggings.
I don't really have people I can lean on for support, or at least that's how it feels.Oh I am on actual good doses now, I'm fine in that regard I think.
oh good! congrats
I feel that, socially transitioning feels like jumping off a cliff to me, a point where I can never go back and other such scary stuff. But most of that isn't true. It's not really a point of no return, and I don't have to explain myself to anyone I don't want to. Having contact with local IRL trans groups/people would probably help a lot with providing a built-in support group if you don't have one otherwise. I feel like being trans online carries a very high risk of self-hatred-causing brain worms unfortunately. Maybe IRL stuff isn't the perfect solution, but I guarantee you there are people who know exactly what you're going through and would be willing to help you work through the fear in a safe environment. I can't speak for anyone but myself but I preach far more confidence online than my IRL self has. saying it is easier than doing it, but its also not a good substitute for living authentically.
Having contact with local IRL trans groups/people would probably help a lot with providing a built-in support group if you don't have one otherwise.
I've tried going to two different ones, but one was a couple towns over and happened late at night so commuting via public transit was a pain.
The other is more local, but they meet up less frequently.
Idk, I don't want a support group...I just want someone to help me, y'know?I feel like being trans online carries a very high risk of self-hatred-causing brain worms unfortunately.
I have those in spades, probably to a cancelable degree.
Idk, I don't want a support group...I just want someone to help me, y'know?
yeah... but I don't just mean a support group, though those could maybe be helpful, I was thinking more like, community events and stuff that are trans-led or trans friendly. I don't take my own advice on this one though yet, and I may just be lucky to live in an are a with a lot of that kind of thing going on. even like, concerts, art shows, community dinners, idk. Ideally you'd make local friends and not only see these people in the group setting, I guess
I have those in spades, probably to a cancelable degree.
unfortunately a huge mood :/ I think I'm pretty good about not applying them to others but its hard to fully uproot them from my own thinking. I'll be feeling pretty good about myself but then they creep back in if I ever flinch or have a moment of doubt. Staying away from toxic online spaces helps IMO (I never went on /tttt/ thank god but I did get some 4chan brainworms when I was much younger, then a LOT from reddit and such)
Yah :/ so did many people here though, and brainworms aren't permanent
My condolences, I used to have nice conversations with some r9k robot eggs
Building a support network is really important for feeling good in your skin. It's also useful for when you fall on bad times so that you're not out in the streets. Super important thing to focus on
or at least the one that constantly gets pushed into my face on Twitter.
Fwiw I've been fulltime for almost a decade and I feel this way too.
I don't think you should be hard on yourself for "wasting so much time" though, it's rarely if ever easy to come out. Also Yes You Have "been trans" longer!Also bear website is the best trans community anywhere online. I was a brainwormed /tttt/ dork once, this place has been really healthy for me ngl.
Don't compare yourself to the trans people here.
They're like the smart kids who always fuck up the curve for the rest of the class
Yeah, I used to be like that. There's no winning that game.
Never to late to make the change and just be yourself
I've been full time for almost a decade, I started out as trans woman and then realised I'm not and things didn't fit me personally.. I'm a no gender from the void..
- Yep, right there with you. I've been trapped in the mid-transition uncanny valley for a while, and I'm not even sure which side of it I'm on anymore. I absolutely cannot look at other people's timelines while I'm in this state of mind. lol
not for nearly as long, only a few years now, but i've been in a similar position. at a point where even boymoding outside i worry i'm just being seen as a non-passing trenny. i guess i've been telling myself that there's never going to be a point where i just start to be able to pass, hrt doesn't work like that. no matter what i do there's going to be an awkward phase where even with my best efforts i'll be socially out but non-passing. and that if i have a chance to pass i'm hurting myself by not getting that awkward phase outta the way now. maybe i'm putting too much emphasis on passing. plus telling myself this shit hasn't helped me so idk what i'm trying to say. brainworms suck. hope it gets better for the both of us. <3
Same but for voice, I feel the same way watching some coworkers that are also trans and apparently affording voice therapy and progressing rapidly. It took me almost 10 years to find something accessible and its still DIY and taking its time. My voice still outs me a lot, I'm passing a lot better but not great. On the flip side, my trans man coworker has the voice down, but doesn't physically pass, and I recall having similar troubles as him early in transition with people being miserable bigoted assholes.
I fucking hate my voice, but not really for dysphoria reasons.
I sound whiny and weird and people will make fun of me in voice comms in games, but they will usually think I am a boy or a woman.
I'd voice train, but hearing it gives me psychic damage.
