Sending good vibes to all of my trans comrades 
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the other day i had that major breakthrough in overcoming my internalized transphobia and seeing myself as a woman and something really weird has happened in the days after: i look physically different. i've always had a poor sense of self image and tried to avoid looking in mirrors whenever possible, but still this was kind of shocking, like i just look like a different person. i'm really happy about it, but it still was kind of unnerving
ramble about perception
when i was a teenager and a young adult i always had a fear of psychedelics or any other substance that could alter your perception and cause hallucinations, which i could never quite explain. but i think i get it now, i was so scared at the idea that my perception of the world could be false, that i could see or hear something other than what actually happened. the idea that i could trust my perception of the world gave me a lot of comfort and i didn't want to admit that sometimes the brain messes up processing and it's possible to be wrong about what you saw
in hindsight it's a really simple and obvious idea that the brain is just sometimes wrong, but this idea that my perception always was true kind of held up my anxieties? like if my perception or conclusions about something are wrong, maybe my anxieties about something could be wrong too? admitting that an anxiety about something is wrong and that there is no reason to worry is incredibly hard, and i don't think i could have overcome this if i didn't have my meds
my perception about things has been proven to be wrong a lot recently
more perception rambles
Your perception is actually subjective and somewhat distrustworthy, which sounds absurd but your thoughts do seem to influence your perception yeah. I guess I'm a dork because it just made sense to me that my view would not be infallible, there are too many people with too many different views and perceptions for that to be. I think personally it's kinda neat that subjective view is this way ngl! It can be scary but really healthy. I found I was able to fret less when I could underline bad thoughts with that subjectivity thing, also I can ask my wife for a second opinion.
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the idea that there is an infallible truth about everything that one can find is almost definitely a byproduct of how i was raised, my parents were ultra-religious christians. i guess i'm still dealing with those brainworms years after deconverting
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That’s good. I know my perceptions are rather flawed, but it’s hard to live like that. My anxieties are so inaccurate I feel like they influence the future. I don’t associate with my body tho.
same, my brain will invent things out of whole cloth to guilt and worry me over, admitting that none of that is true is hard
So real. My weird thing (kinda tired of pinpointing which label things could be) is sometimes I believe my worrying will produce an outcome I want, and then worry about not worrying enough because now I sort of believe the outcome’s a possibility even though I have no clue. I call it compulsive anti-manifesting.
The Furies are at home in the mirror, it is their address. Even the clearest water, if deep enough can drown. Never think to surprise them. Your face approaching ever so friendly is the white flag they ignore. There is no truce with the Furies.