her,,, expolde

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  • rtstragedy [fae/faer, she/her]
    ·
    2 months ago

    the neighbour has decided now is a good time to start drumming (random times, random days, generally when i'm trying to get work done, frick, at least he's nice), so if my responses make less sense that is why, sorry

    I always trust my gut, but I'll also debate things and mull on things for days, but most of the time my gut instinct was correct lol but I don't have as much anxiety around my own decisions, I've had to think on my feet for a long time, not everyone has had to and anxieties and other factors can come in so I do understand it can be hard to "trust yourself" so to speak too

    huh, that's interesting. Cool Therapist has been gently criticizing me for only listening to the rational parts of myself, and trying to mercilessly crush the emotional parts (okay this is my wording, not hers) into submission ("you shouldn't feel this way!!" etc). i had a bit of pride in being "completely rational" (not listening to the emotional parts is not rational), and in my line of work I definitely don't want to be caught making decisions based on "gut feelings" so I have a ton of practice rationalizing.

    Sometimes I wonder what's going on down there for me, I think about the phrase "background processing" a lot.

    So if someone tries to press me when this happens it can make me quite anxious so I'd start stuttering, get frustrated with it and shut down, can be quite stressful if I'm pushed into that space but thankfully not always.

    It's been a while since someone's done this to me, luckily. I tend to dig my heels in when people pressure me instead of giving me time to adapt or think things through, has caused serious problems in the past. but i'll have to think on this more ... i did have like a 24-hour verbal shutdown like a month or so ago, and it was super scary for a bit (i thought my brain exploded), but i read that it's quite common for autism and so my partner and i played minecraft and text chatted for the day. it was actually kinda heavenly to not have to talk, once the i-cant-move-for-an-hour shutdown was past.

    It doesn't take away anything it means to you on a personal level, it also lets other people see your label, it just won't have any of the negative connotations associated with said label or be used against people who use said label.

    i like this, yeah the analogy was good.

    Personally for me, labels are that, I use some for myself but that's so people get the gist of who I am, but I don't put a lot of weight behind it either. I'm fairly relaxed on a lot of things but I know society isn't and I do see flaws in the system as it currently stands, abolishing gender would be a start lol

    yeah i think that's a good place to be tbh, i like it

    • magi [null/void]M
      ·
      2 months ago

      the neighbour has decided now is a good time to start drumming

      You have any noise cancelling headphones or earplugs or?

      so I have a ton of practice rationalizing

      When I get a gut feeling, (I call this my spidey sense), I'll mull on this for a bit and logic it out. I'll break everything down surrounding the feeling and then logic out why I felt the way I do,I tend to go with my gut more because I've been through a ton of shit and sometimes it can sense things before my brain has time to process everything, so I give my brain time to do the processing and analysis but it does turn out to be correct.

      i did have like a 24-hour verbal shutdown like a month or so ago

      I have literally spent months talking to nobody before lol but mostly I tend to be more frequent with shorter moments of verbal shut down. It can be misread at times too and some people freak out somewhat because they aren't used to it but I do it when I don't feel the need to talk, get overwhelmed or don't feel like I can talk.

      i think that's a good place to be tbh, i like it

      Same, I like it too ^^

      • rtstragedy [fae/faer, she/her]
        ·
        2 months ago

        You have any noise cancelling headphones or earplugs or?

        oh, yeah, but i didn't want to get distracted from writing, lol, i put them on after i sent it. the pathway of "oh it's happening" -> "how annoying" -> "i'm stressed" -> "i could do something about this" -> "where are those headphones" -> "oh they're right in front of me" -> "i should put them on" -> "noise cancelling sounds weird but at least i don't hear the Bad Sound anymore" -> "what was i doing again?" is very long

        When I get a gut feeling, (I call this my spidey sense), I'll mull on this for a bit and logic it out. I'll break everything down surrounding the feeling and then logic out why I felt the way I do,I tend to go with my gut more because I've been through a ton of shit and sometimes it can sense things before my brain has time to process everything, so I give my brain time to do the processing and analysis but it does turn out to be correct.

        oh, this makes sense to me - not that the gut doesn't have logic, but that it takes longer to figure out the reasoning... i think i can relate to that.

        I do it when I don't feel the need to talk

        . crush I am actually a bit envious of this bit, i talk so much, way more than i'd like, as my friend this week put it, "because of NT expectations." i wish that i could be less verbal but it's such a compulsion, and it's exhausting!

        • magi [null/void]M
          ·
          2 months ago

          i put them on after i sent it.

          Good! now hopefully it'll not be bothering you too much c:

          Most of my talking is in my head, I spent literally years alone so i only had my self, so my infodumps and processing is all internal. But I can go quiet even inside, really depends on whats going on but I'm always analysing all the time. I only talk when I feel the need or want to. So I can sit quietly for hours, it does unnerve some people who aren't used to it. But I can talk the leg off a donkey if I want to talk lol I just don't get that much opportunity to talk in day to day life. And if I don't want to talk people will find it hard to get much from me.

          • rtstragedy [fae/faer, she/her]
            ·
            2 months ago

            sorry, got pulled away by work and then needed to recharge, headphones do and did help :)

            thank you for sharing!