Went for a walk in the woods yesterday and it was a lot less busy there than it usually is, but pretty much every time I saw other people there, it was a couple together or a family, then I'd go like 15 minutes walking alone before I'd see anyone again and I had a weird existential kinda depersonalization where I felt like my sense of awareness of myself on the trail was from a bird's eye view above the trail (not like visually seeing myself in third person, just the sense of space and my surroundings). Mentally I knew cognitively that it was just temporary and I'd see other people soon enough again, but something about it made me feel emotionally really strongly that I'm ALONE and even when I'm around other people, they don't really see me and just being overwhelmed by loneliness.

It was a nice day and I was getting out and getting some exercise and in a beautiful forest trail and usually feel good about that, but I wanted to cry for awhile and couldn't. I often feel distant from others irl and like whatever my spectrum-y ass brain is like is just fundamentally magnetically resistant to intuitive interactions with most people, but it's normally just a dull background frustration to me in my head, and this was really visceral and upsetting. I got home exhausted and it was a grueling chore to make myself shower and get ready for bed and I was overwhelmed by feeling profoundly lonely and wishing I had a partner to cuddle up with and hold me and fall asleep with my head on their chest wrapped up in their arms.