Lowkey just want to stop existing but without all the existential dread of death, y'know?
Detachment from your the community is a serious issue I think most people living in a capitalist society have. Being complete dependent on the state or the coporation which provide no love in return.
I feel like my entire life of emotional repression comes from generations of working class steeling them selves against the harshness of our circumstances. The people around me are low-key (but sometimes high key) homophobic, transphobic and racist...yet I'm inspired to try better by the people they hate, not by them. It's seriously the trans movement that woke me up to the fact I'm very unsentimental and devoid of affection because of a standard of masculinity i've been forced to conform to my entire life.
So if it's anything, people like you help me. When I was working those construction jobs and hearing the worst most vile shit echoed down from the murdoch media through the people who should be my people, just imagining that difficulty trans must go through compared to me...somebody too afraid to show any kind of natural affection despite being white, straight and all that basicness... really gave me insight into the changes I had to make.
Every time I felt that compulsion, it would just make me mad at the conditions that made me feel that way. I've been suicidal many times before, but every time I felt that compulsion I'd immediately get extremely angry to the point I was too mad to want to kill myself. Like wow things are so shit I wanna die, fuck the people who created this situation. Things shouldn't be this way.
Yes, been there many times before. Two suicide attempts in my teens was just wanting to leave and get out of this world.
The only way I can come to terms with reality now is by resigning myself and acknowledging that there is nothing I can do individually about the problems that await us in the future.
yea... I know what you're talking about. this realization that there's no guaranteed safety, no escape, no real way to hide from it all, used to give me panic attacks. I've reached a place of calm acceptance over a couple of years but... yeah, I also wish there was something to run away to. we can build something adequate, shelter from these coming storms, but the reality that it will never be perfectly safe and we will never escape the need to defend it profoundly scares me. that's true whether we find ourselves able to try and fight this politically or whether we're forced to seek smaller groups of our own, to build our own communities, to ensure our immediate needs.
but I also think that is our best path forward in truth. if protecting ourselves politically becomes truly impossible, especially as climate change balkanizes everything, then the only thing we can do is turn to each other and find refuge in communities that we will have to build and to defend.
the truth is, there isn't actually safety, even as a cis person. we just have to grapple with that reality sooner and more viscerally than they do but we're looking at whole system collapse on account of climate change. being cis makes many things easier - but it's a difference of degree, not kind.
Maybe some day I’ll be strong enough to help defend people like me and a space that accepts us
sooner than you think :heart-sickle:
Sort of, in the optimist sense. I once believed that "good" would win in the end. Well whatever "good" might be, it certainly isn't winning.
Yeah I also have felt like I just want to escape a lot, like just to fuck off into the woods and live there, because everything just gets so tiring. Between living my entire life in the closet and physical disabilitiy, everything has been bad since I was a teenager and I just want to escape from it all, to be a "normal" person (I know there's no such thing, but I hope you get my point). I don't want to be called a "hero" for undergoing massively invasive medical procedures/surgery in order to get some of my life back, its the only choice I have, other than just giving up and dying. It's just that everything can get so tiring and I want an escape from it all, you know? Hopefully my poorly put together rant is understandable or something
