Hey this is the second personal/depressing post I make here, I know there are infinitely more appropriate resources, but I really like this community and aside from my actual psychiatrist who I only get to see every two weeks, no one - from the national suicide hotline to my university’s student support - has been able to make me feel the slightest bit better. So I guess I’m resorting to venting in an anonymous platform, don’t even need replies just want the notion that at least someone is hearing me out.
I have Borderline Personality Disorder along with other 8 more specific commorbid mental conditions. Ever since I can remember I have struggled in very much every realm. I experience feelings of emptiness followed by fleeting moments of euphoria that always culminate in the worst imaginable pain. I have been on medication for a few years now and although it helps with my anxiety and motivation, it doesn’t really do anything for this piercing sense of loneliness that at the end of the day I can’t escape.
I feel alone in this world, I have some friends and I have a good relationship with my family but it’s like no one aside from literally just my parents really cares all that much for me (its my fault don’t get me wrong) and even if they did they wouldn’t really relate to me anyway. I have met people who do though, and I fell in love with the two of them.
The latest was the one I felt most strongly for. They are, were my life. We dated for many months, but ultimately he left me too. It was about a week ago when we broke up and I am still in denial. I have been crying all day every day since then. I am in college, away from home, and having mostly online classes so I barely even talk to anyone or leave my dorm. I’m majoring in neuroscience at an Ivy so it’s also not like I can slack off all that much with school work, however I don’t care. I have been doing the bare minimum throughout the entire term, and really don’t even know why I continue too , because in the end my life will always suck and without them in it I couldn’t care less about anything else.
I can’t seem to find any solace, they are the cause of my suffering but also the only ones who I feel could comfort me. In fact I constantly yearn for them, to the point where it’s just unbearable, and goes beyond all past heartbreaks I have had. I feel like they knew me like no one else does and I miss the comfort of interacting with someone who I was aware had just the right perception of me. I keep rethinking phrases of theirs almost catatonically, and nothing seems to be able to take my mind off of the moments we spent together.
I don’t wanna live anymore, this pain is too strong. Even if I do come to meet someone else I know that deep inside there will always be a disturbing idea in the back of my head that that was not the ending I dreamed of for my narrative. I will always be condemned by a life of dwelling on what ifs and living for the fantasy of what could have been.
Fuck that. I’m leaving earlier.
Well, first off, I'm going to need to congratulate you for going for a pHD, you clearly are smart and talented enough to reach that level (and such a field also). But to delve into your words, I'm gonna say it there, boy oh boy do I fucking know that feeling of existential loneliness, the feeling I'll die alone, and that life is utterly meaningless. Dating has spectacularly backfired, and amplified my misanthropy problems, as well as the feeling of worthlessness and inadequacy. The thing that helped was to stop using dating apps, it's not like I'm gonna get laid in these times, and it'll be better for me not to swipe on empty profiles or shallow ones. Finding someone takes time, and in fact, it also holds true for friendships. I feel better alone (even if I'm lonely) than with people who don't really care for me in the end, and while friends don't seem to be the problem here, your breakup obviously is. I'm gonna put it this way, this isn't the worst case scenario comrade. The worst case scenario is the one where he desn't break up, you live 20 years with him, and get kids, and it turns out he stopped loving you 20 years back, making it so half of your life has been a lie. You have an entire life in front of you to find someone worthy of your love, passion and understanding; and while I never managed to get into a relationship because of what I mentioned previously, I know from my instinct that we, as humans, crave this because it gives us meaning in an otherwise meaningless life. Finding someone worth waking up to, finding something worth defending is what gives meaning is the way to live a fulfilling life.
And while I currently don't want to live anymore, I stopped living 10 years ago. And yet, I still have some hope that I will find something to give me purpose, and someone to enjoy life with. The 30s are coming very very fast, and there's no way things don't get "interesting" in general. Staying alive to witness history out of curiosity is also something that prevents me from taking my life, aside from the biological fear of death.
TLDR : you're not alone in this situation, hang in there; I'm fairly certain you'll find someone since you were able to in the past; and you seem attractive enough in the broad meaning of the term. Loneliness is a bitch, but you only need to get lucky once to find your half.
Wow thank you so much for taking the time to type all of that out.
Firstly I’m not a PhD student, I wish, I’m in my first year of college lol.
You’ve honestly perfectly described how I feel, I’m very sorry to hear you relate to it. I often think that the only things that seem to make life seemingly worth living are essentially finding a sense of personal identity, which includes molding your values, beliefs, interests and acquiring all the knowledge that goes along with that, and subsequently sharing who you’ve created for yourself with others. And thus far I have had a hard time with the second one. But you’re right we can’t give up, it is important to be aware of the hopeful undertone to life, and to find comfort in the idea that somehow some way something out there wants things to work out for the best. If they left it was because it wasnt worth it.
It’s hard comrade, but we’ll get through this. I am in pain, but it won’t last forever as you said, congratulations on learning to live with the loneliness. I know one say you wonr need that skill anymore though. Stay strong, comrade, keep up the good work. 💜