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  • danksobotka [they/them]
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    4 years ago

    Chapos, first off thank you for this place, seriously. Second, sorry to sincere post (even though that’s like 95% of my posts here lol), but here goes. I feel burned out on everything. Life, everything. Logically I know that’s depression, but it doesn’t help; feeling extremely black pilled about the future.

    Also doesn’t help I’m super lonely, I hadn’t made any friends where I was living before and don’t have any in the area I’m living now, all the ones I do have are in a different state over a days drive away. I haven’t been on a date in over four years. And back then it was like 3 first dates and even though ostensibly i thought the dates went well and we both seemed to have a good time (and I know we had a good time the first person I went out with because we talked for like 3 hours in a coffee shop and she squeezed my arm and smiled at me after before she got off the train at her stop and like, I’m bad at picking up signals but that felt like a pretty clear indicator she liked me, and we texted afterwards and even set up a second date but then she got sick and it got canceled and I guess it fizzled out because she stopped responding) they all ended with me being ghosted.

    All I want to do is sleep all day, I can’t get anything done at work, I’m just... fuck. The one thing I have going positively for me is I haven’t had a drink in 325 days. I had a dream last night I did drink and was so upset with myself and when I woke up had to remind myself that I didn’t. I miss being happy. I miss friends. I miss having a significant other, someone I was extremely close to, it’s a huge fucking hole in my life I’ve lizard-brain/subconsciously been trying to fill with booze and food but like fuck, that’s all I want.

    All I want is for people to like me because I don’t like myself so if they like me then maybe there is shit to like about myself. Like I do have friends but being so long distance away from them for over three years we don’t really talk that often because of course I’m doing nothing so I don’t have anything to talk about with them and they (well except for one really good friend) never reach out and initiate any contact which hurts to think about. But also I want people to like me on a deeper level, someone to spend my life with because I’m so fucking tired of being alone, but I don’t want to date right now because I’m in no shape to do so and that’s so not fair to someone else and also if I had so much trouble and disappointment with it when I was in a much better position than I am now, it’s really just setting myself up for even more failure and hurt feelings.

    Ok god damn this got way longer than I thought it would and I’m just rambling so I’m going to cut it off here. Thanks to anyone who reads this wall of garbage.

    • Sus_fecal_testes [it/its]
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      4 years ago

      Hey, good job quitting drinking. You're at the edge of where I started to feel okay like my brain was repairing itself. Then I started again, and haven't been able to quit since. I'm drinking right now in fact and sort of feel disgusting because I'm just trying to feel differently + squash the background anxiety a bit. It sucks to hear and to try but you gotta give yourself love. Start by just taking stock of the things you have and are good at/ okay at even. Like you have a job and you got 3 dates. Those are all rad. But maybe use some paragraphs so I don't feel like I'm being mkultra'd

      • danksobotka [they/them]
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        4 years ago

        I appreciate your response and you’re right, I broke it up into paragraphs. But I got 3 dates 3.5 years and 100lbs ago, hard to see the positive in that and how I could apply it to now. Idk, I don’t feel like I deserve love right now.

        • Sus_fecal_testes [it/its]
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          4 years ago

          Whenever you're ready, just try loving yourself for a few seconds. You can do it, anyone can it's an awesome part of consciousness. It can feel bad getting past the first mental block but then once you know you can do it, it's just a matter of practicing. Of course we all want other people to love us, but you can't make them. You can literally make yourself give yourself love.

          Tell you what, I'll do it tomorrow if you give it a shot. I've been neglecting this practice and I think I can use it myself.

          • danksobotka [they/them]
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            4 years ago

            thank you again for responding, i'm just seeing this now. i will try giving it a shot today, idk if i'll be able to but i will try. thank you again for reading everything i wrote, i really appreciate it.

            • Sus_fecal_testes [it/its]
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              4 years ago

              No problem, hope you can find some relief. A lot of people are struggling, you aren't alone. Keep reaching out.

      • danksobotka [they/them]
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        4 years ago

        Hey, congrats on not drinking! almost a year is great!

        thank you :af-heart: especially for reading through all of that, i really really appreciate it.

        You do sound like you’re experiencing depression and if you have the ability to get treatment like a therapist or psychiatrist then I think it could do a lot for you.

        yeah, i am diagnosed and on meds (that i guess aren't working as effectively anymore so maybe my dose needs to be adjusted) but when the drinking got bad 1.5yr back i ended up stopping going, then my insurance changed and when i started trying to find a new therapist all the ones in-network were not taking new patients and then an appointment i did have got canceled due to covid and i just haven't been able to try to find one recently. it's definitely something i need to do again though.

        When I first got sober I joined 12 step groups, it puts a huge emphasis on community and fellowship so it helped me meet a lot of people that were similar to me, didn’t judge me for completely fucking up my life, and understood my depression. I’m not religious and I know that part of it makes people uncomfortable but I just took what I needed from it and disregarded the rest. Again, I know that this is controversial advice but I thought I’d offer it because it did help me.

        I did go to one AA meeting about a year ago but the religious stuff did make me pretty uncomfortable after growing up catholic and abandoning that stuff like 12 years ago, i didn't like all the higher power stuff b/c if i stop drinking it's not a higher power helping me it's me doing it.

        i definitely want to get involved with mutual aid stuff but social anxiety has held me back a lot, i think i just need to take the plunge though because i agree with you that i think it could do a lot of good.

        idk i guess i'm rambling again i just want to say thank you again for reading through all of that and taking the time to respond, i really appreciate it.