It isnt revolutionary, but it is good that there is an alternative to monogamy, and dating multiple people makes it easier to survive under capitalism in a lot of cases.

I just remembered a thread where people were being kind of shit about it and felt the need to post

  • penguin_von_doom [she/her]
    1·
    4 years ago

    This thing, that one person is supposed to meet all your needs is a recent development, seemingly driven by capitalism and the alienation and isolation it causes. Historically you would have friends and relatives and a community around you on which you can rely for a lot of things you end up relying on your partner(s). For example I don't think I need a boyfriend that shares my interests if my other boyfriend doesn't, cause I have my friends for that, I go for grieving and consolation to my sister, cause she is the only one that can understand me, etc. I think there is this strange drive happening that, because one person cannot fulfill your needs, people fall in the trap that if someone can fulfill a need they should become yet another partner, at least personally I like to have some boundaries about things like that.

      • penguin_von_doom [she/her]
        ·
        4 years ago

        I think we are so conditioned as a society to group sexual and emotional intimacy, that if someone gives you some special emotional satisfaction that this must be paired with romantic love

        Yes. This puts it so clearly. Ive been struggling do describe exactly this thing, and couldnt. But it seems to be getting worse, because people are lonely, and the most accessible alleviation for loneliness is tinder. And romance, sex and alleviation of loneliness get mixed up together, in something that can easily end up being very unhealthy, but also kinda addicting.

        Also completely agree with the part about needs and desires - people often conflate the two, and cant really tell if they need something or they just desire it. And the thing is sometimes fulfilling a desire is actually kinda bad (dont get me started on my desires for buying swords, lol). You kinda have to have control over these, which is also a part of maturity, and to learn when and how to indulge in them.

      • Ithorian [comrade/them]
        2·
        4 years ago

        I'd typed up a long reply to this but my brain isn't working well enough to make it coherent. But the jist of it was with most poly people there is a primary couple that are completely committed to each other just like in monogamy and all other relationships are secondary. There are some people who make a thrupple (all three people in love with each other) work, and at least for us that would be goal but finding the perfect person to slot in with the two of us is basically chasing unicorns.

        • HereInRobotHell [they/them,comrade/them]
          1·
          4 years ago

          Primary/secondary nonsense is bull, and is mostly the older generation reproducing elements of the nuclear family.

          You can have multiple commited relationships, and without any of your partners sleeping together.

          • Ithorian [comrade/them]
            1·
            4 years ago

            Think what you want friend, but I've been married almost a decade, all but two of them its been a polly relationship and its worked great for us.

            • HereInRobotHell [they/them,comrade/them]
              1·
              4 years ago

              There are multiple ways to skin a rabbit, but I couldn't deal with heirarchy personally. It feels like an artifact of monogamy to me, and I've been an expendable secondary too many times to get involved with that again, or do that to another person.

              • Ithorian [comrade/them]
                ·
                4 years ago

                I can't argue with that, it truly is different for every relationship. Hopefully you find what works for you.

          • Ithorian [comrade/them]
            ·
            4 years ago

            I would say it varies by person, for some people sex is a very important way to bond, for others its just a nice perk. For our ace friends sex is rarely if ever part of a committed relationship and I don't think any of us would say they're incapable of emotional intimacy because of that.