Uhm I had sex with my ex again. She's the only person who will have sex with me lol but its definitely not healthy. Today I didn't feel as bad but I'm always left with this feeling of "Am I even trans?" afterwards. Like, frankly I enjoy fucking and I was pretty good at it as a guy at least. And so when I have sex I just kinda... do that. Idk what else to do tbh. It's fun for sure but Like yeah... not very gender affirming. I find it's much more gender affirming to have sex with guys foe that reason but.... ugh men. Idk. I'll take any advice
Having sex using your dick is a gender neutral action tbh - it doesn't make you any more or less fem (or trans). As difficult as it might be to separate it from masculinity now, it's very much worth internalising and spending some time with that thought. Fwiw that was a really difficult thing for me to accept and took a while to feel good about
I have been and currently am in the exact same boat as you (minus the ex part). As a warning, my advice isn't fun, but it is what worked for me, kinda.
Up until a few months into HRT, I used my penis to have sex with my partner. It wasn't the worst thing in the world, but I certainly didn't like it much. It solved the problem of I'm horny, she's horny, do this and we're not horny anymore. However, we had to take a break for a few months because surgery, but we did it eventually have sex again. This time, it sent me into a wild spiral of dysphoria that took me a while to recover from because of the exact question you posed yourself. "Am I even trans?" After recovering from that extreme spiral of dysphoria, I came to a solution. It was to simply take a secondary role in sex and not bother with my penis or my own pleasure. I simply pleasured her and when she finished, I was finished. That means I've simply not had any active role in sex for a long time now, but it also means that I'm not falling into deep depression because I used my dick.
This is not an easy mindset to get into and just straight up might not work for you. After all, I'm mostly a top with other women so it wasn't any sort of issue. I also garner pleasure from the pleasure of others. So who knows. It might work for you. I genuinely hope you do find a solution though. Your situation is a very unfun one to be in.
I think it is made even more complicated since it's with my ex, but yeah. I may consider this.
spoiler
The thing is... I kinda like using it? It just leaves me questioning and feeling weird. And there are so many women who top in a gay way. I just don't know how to top in a gay way haha. The secondary Weird feelings are that I'm scared I'm falling back into a relationship with my ex. There are a few reasons why I really shouldn't do that and the first being that I can't be in a relationship rn at all. I need to be self focused. But the second is that I'm trying to figure out what I want in a relationship, and I kinda wanna try dating guys too because I've just never given that a shot. Idk I'm venting now 😅
I understand what you mean when you say fucking isn't really gender affirming and that you are kind of accusing yourself of falling into old habits as opposed to working with a newer "feminine" thing.
However, you might try to reflect on this and try to decouple the idea of "giving" and masculinity vs "taking" and femininity. You mention that you enjoy it and you're good at it so... Keep enjoying it! You'll just be a woman who's likes to fuck and is good at it.
Now, if you feel your partners are pushing you into that role or you only do it because it's familiar, then that's a different story.
Try not to overthink it and just enjoy the things you enjoy. And keep experimenting to see if you like other things more.
Cw sex
spoiler
Uhm I had sex with my ex again. She's the only person who will have sex with me lol but its definitely not healthy. Today I didn't feel as bad but I'm always left with this feeling of "Am I even trans?" afterwards. Like, frankly I enjoy fucking and I was pretty good at it as a guy at least. And so when I have sex I just kinda... do that. Idk what else to do tbh. It's fun for sure but Like yeah... not very gender affirming. I find it's much more gender affirming to have sex with guys foe that reason but.... ugh men. Idk. I'll take any advice
sex
Having sex using your dick is a gender neutral action tbh - it doesn't make you any more or less fem (or trans). As difficult as it might be to separate it from masculinity now, it's very much worth internalising and spending some time with that thought. Fwiw that was a really difficult thing for me to accept and took a while to feel good about
CW: More sex talk
I have been and currently am in the exact same boat as you (minus the ex part). As a warning, my advice isn't fun, but it is what worked for me, kinda.
Up until a few months into HRT, I used my penis to have sex with my partner. It wasn't the worst thing in the world, but I certainly didn't like it much. It solved the problem of I'm horny, she's horny, do this and we're not horny anymore. However, we had to take a break for a few months because surgery, but we did it eventually have sex again. This time, it sent me into a wild spiral of dysphoria that took me a while to recover from because of the exact question you posed yourself. "Am I even trans?" After recovering from that extreme spiral of dysphoria, I came to a solution. It was to simply take a secondary role in sex and not bother with my penis or my own pleasure. I simply pleasured her and when she finished, I was finished. That means I've simply not had any active role in sex for a long time now, but it also means that I'm not falling into deep depression because I used my dick.
This is not an easy mindset to get into and just straight up might not work for you. After all, I'm mostly a top with other women so it wasn't any sort of issue. I also garner pleasure from the pleasure of others. So who knows. It might work for you. I genuinely hope you do find a solution though. Your situation is a very unfun one to be in.
I think it is made even more complicated since it's with my ex, but yeah. I may consider this.
spoiler
The thing is... I kinda like using it? It just leaves me questioning and feeling weird. And there are so many women who top in a gay way. I just don't know how to top in a gay way haha. The secondary Weird feelings are that I'm scared I'm falling back into a relationship with my ex. There are a few reasons why I really shouldn't do that and the first being that I can't be in a relationship rn at all. I need to be self focused. But the second is that I'm trying to figure out what I want in a relationship, and I kinda wanna try dating guys too because I've just never given that a shot. Idk I'm venting now 😅
deleted by creator
Sex
spoiler
I understand what you mean when you say fucking isn't really gender affirming and that you are kind of accusing yourself of falling into old habits as opposed to working with a newer "feminine" thing. However, you might try to reflect on this and try to decouple the idea of "giving" and masculinity vs "taking" and femininity. You mention that you enjoy it and you're good at it so... Keep enjoying it! You'll just be a woman who's likes to fuck and is good at it.
Now, if you feel your partners are pushing you into that role or you only do it because it's familiar, then that's a different story.
Try not to overthink it and just enjoy the things you enjoy. And keep experimenting to see if you like other things more.