WE BEAT THE NEWS MEGA
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I went out grocery shopping with my gf in a pink powerpuff girl sweatshirt and a mask and while I was standing near the door waiting for her to finish checking out a random lady came up to me and complimented my sweater and I was nervous the whole time she was only doing it cuz she knew I was trans.
obligatory that could be it, but women just compliment other women. it's not even cope, that's just a strange thing to adjust to when every interaction with cis people already feels scary lol. I don't know what her intentions were, and maybe she was being nice because you're fem and she knew you're trans. the point is, she did the mutual girl thing with you and that isn't inherently being patronising
maybe
I mean, women just do this. Like my cis women friends compliment each other's outfits all the time and get compliments from strangers all the time. So do I when I'm wearing one of my Seryph© outfits with all my silly distinctive aesthetics and pieces. (Turns out people love a good beret)
Hell one time I almost complimented a cis woman's outfit since I loved it so much but stopped myself since I was presenting masc at the time and didn't want to come off like I was hitting on her. (It was such a cute sweet lolita too...)
It really doesn't mean that they clocked you, especially if you were masking considering how that can help with passing.
yeah, idk what they would of clocked that being the case tbh
maybe my shoulders? they are technically within average female range, but on the upper part of that especially for my height, idk.
I probably did just look like a chick with my hoodie up and a mask on, so it was probably just that, but I was still worried about it the whole time.
I mean if you were wearing a sweater your actual shoulder width wouldn't be that clear either, from your description you probably just passed and she thought the sweater was cute. Women just do that. At most maybe she noticed you were anxious but that's not an exclusively trans thing. And if it was that she probably thought you were anxious about something unrelated and that complimenting you would have helped you feel a little better.
When you haven't experienced it much it can be a bit odd compared to when you pass as male and get basically 0 compliments, but that doesn't mean that it's them pitying you. It's just a different type of social experience.
I remember one time one of my classmates was wearing really cool boots and I screamed "I LIKE YOUR BOOTS THEY LOOK NICE" without even thinking about it and she said thanks.
I know it's really awkward sometimes when cis dorks get overly effusive, but I mean if they're respecting your gender & presentation anyway it's pretty fine right?
It does occur to me though, if cis people really be doing this, there's a much better than 0 chance that they've used whatever their gender criteria is to "clock as trans" another cis person and do the same. Lmao.
It could be read as respecting or respectful, but I feel like it could also be read as patronizing, y’know?
Uh I guess it's possible, I like to think people giving compliments aren't doing it to be shitty though y'know? I mean cis people are losers, I doubt that's their intent though..
I don’t think it’s them being purposefully shitty really, I think they do have good intentions, but it’s like the good intentions you have when you let your little cousin win at a game.
Well if you think every cis person views you that way, I guess... But it could just as easily be like, they can tell you're nervous as fuck and think you could use it? Or even: they just genuinely mean what they say? Even with a ton of RSD and distrust of neurotypicals I don't see a reason to secondguess them on this.
Gonna be honest I do have a very negative view on how cis people conceptualize trans people and transness.
I don't think most of them actually get it and I don't think most of them truly see us as women.
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bite me
She is ultimately correct here, though maybe she could have eased into it better. I say this all from a place of compassion, I don't want to argue with you or set you off.
internalized transphobia discussion
Think for a moment, and imagine you said all the things you say about yourself to another trans person. Would it be transphobic? If you said 'you only pass because cis people pity you' to another trans person, you would rightly be called transphobic, maybe even a gaslighter. The point of calling it out is that effectively by having such bad internalized transphobia, it will inevitably seep out into your interactions with other trans people. Its important to tackle this issue head on within yourself, not only for your own mental wellbeing but also for the wellbeing of those around you. AcidSmiley is ultimately on your side here, she clearly wants you to get better and feel better.
I'm sure many of them probably don't, realistically, because we live in a world of transphobic fuckers. But why would they then go out of their way to compliment you if they think this?
That doesn't make a ton of sense to me.
alleged brainworms
because that can manifest in ways from active hostility and hatefulness to pity depending on the person.
conservatives want us dead, but a lot of the times it feels like liberals only accept us as a third gender that makes them good people for being nice to.
No, I think that's silly actually. Again, sure there might be cis people with stupid or shitty views but this seems like a lot to extrapolate just because someone gave you a compliment.
The chain of logic here would have to be "liberal does not see me as woman and doesn't understand" -> "liberal spots me in public and thinks I am a lesser, third gender and wants brownie points" (from who?) -> "liberal gives me a compliment" and I just do not see that when the plainer answer is "somebody thought my top was cute". Like, you do not even know if they clocked you, so this is all a really bad driving-yourself-nuts-because- what-if scenario anyway. I don't think it's worth fussing over when the end result is "nice compliment" is all.
brainworms
I think the fear is this step is more "liberal spots me in public and thinks I am mentally ill weirdo, and wants to feel good about doing something nice for a [word]"
I mean I agree that we should assume the best of people (and even if they do think I'm a weirdo I need attention) but
does that not seem like a lib thing to do, even if not consciously?
Also taking this moment to ask you if you're sure this is really a discussion you want to have.
spoiler
Personally I think it's been dragged out long enough..
Well obviously I fucked up again, that's a given. Replies would have stopped if I took a better approach, the actual secret truth is that I am just fucking dogshit. So I appreciate the kindly cautioning at me being an asshat again.
But even if we take at face value that every cis person is by default a fucking monster, (and there is evidence that they're not) this is a bunch of weird extrapolating and inferring from other experiences for someone she doesn't even know when she isn't even sure she got clocked? Wearing a hoodie and a mask, like do you see where this isn't even a line of thought worth considering to begin with? Like is this realistic? 'Every single (assumed) cis person who compliments you in public is evil slime who can TELL UR TRANS and thinks you are lesser and only wants brownie points', do you see how this is a little goofy?
This is exactly why /tttt/ is bad for newly trans people especially, anything remotely possible is assumed to be the default if it's the absolute worst, and people get wrapped up in it.
I am not "cautioning at me being an asshat". I don't want you to get frustrated, for your own sake. Its obvious you felt terrible the other day (when you shouldn't have), and I don't want you to feel terrible again. I don't think you fucked up, I think you have been very reasonable and patient and have done a good job explaining yourself. You are a wonderful person who has done a wonderful job explaining things to someone who has things to work on. I understand being overly critical at yourself (lord knows I am) but it is completely unjustified here. You didn't do anything wrong.
Yes I see how its goofy, I agree with you.
Alright well thank you, sorry this is draining my brain again, uh no more replies in this comment thread
and sorry I didn't mean to imply you were being shitty or anything. Just feel like I should be doing better, but I appreciate the positivity...
I think to some extent, like obviously the world is and can be a really dogshit place, but if you let this stuff get on top of you it can crush you. I think places like this serve as an antidote to that sort of shit, I guess.
Also new hard rule, I am never mentioning /tttt/ terminology again. My apologies.
I suspected that. Take care of yourself. You didn't imply I was being shitty at all.
Unfortunately, you can play all your cards right and still lose. You can only help someone so much.
It serves that purpose for me :)
You don't need to apologize to me for this, I've already known about everything you've said.
Cease learning /tttt/ terms, now, it's not good for your babytrans brain
The ones I know are from before I was a babytrans, and yes I will try to avoid learn any more. Too many holes already
That's even more reason to never mention any of that shit
I just don't want people to change posting habits because of me.
Take care of yourself, Ash!
I'm also behind the scenes trying to keep things in check..
Thank you for that.
I'm her wife, I try to look after her c:
Y'all are so cute
I don't extrapolate it from the compliment, I extrapolate it from interacting with cis people and seeing how they talk about trans people and issues.
Cis people are dorky about it, I remember doing the same.
okay maybe I'm not the best exampleBut I really think they mean well.