her,,, expolde
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I had the same kind of anxieties. I had my vial of estrogen for about a month before I finally did my first shot. It was really difficult and I struggled to get through those anxieties. I dont really have any advice, at the end I kinda just said to myself "fuck it, if I have regrets Ill get a mastectomy", but I do want to reassure that youre not the only one who has this anxiety
my own experience and thoughts, not neccessarily relevant but perhaps useful? cw dysphoria, drinking, SI
Imo because its huge, at least, it was for me. I agonized and ruminated for so long before beginning medical transition. I was so scared because it meant throwing away so much that, while it was holding me down in a horrible dysphoric way, was also comfortable. I was able to function as a man, granted a man who drank most days and didnt want to live and was probably going to die soon, but for a long time it was easier to do that than exist publicly (instead of just privately as I had up until that point) as an inherrently subversive being; it was easier than facing the societal punishment for discarding manhood; it was easier than confronting my own fears that transition wouldn't address all my dysphoria (still super insecure about my tiny breasts, and occasionally dysphoric about them tbh); it was easier because it meant not doing the work, because the work is hard and it doesnt pull its punches.
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